feminine b.s.
a short play
So let me help you remember
I've made charts and graphs that should finally make it clear
I've prepared a lecture on why I have to leave
The scene: Benjamin Nephi Gunderson is simultaneously listening to the Postal Service and talking to his mom on his non-smart phone. Life after, say, 2004, has not treated him well, clearly.
BNG: "Yeah, yeah, oKAY mooom, I'll send you the study abroad paperwork as soon as I can. Yeah, love you too ... ummm, like I said, on a date." [Hangs up]
Sexy Latin-blooded French BYU Girl: "Hokay, hahm, we are going to a restaurant, are we not?"
BNG: "Yes, Sammy's, after ComedySportz. You know, I don't get down to Center Street very much. not very economical to leave the 2-mile radius, hmm?
SLbFBG: "... I, ah, ran a maratone zhust last week. That eez about twenty and six miles, non?
BNG: Oui.
At Sammy's. FBG is a bit freaked out by the pie shake, and the hamburger which is larger than her hand.
BNG: HAHAHA Lol.
FBG: Loll?
BNG: That tune, where they went, like, "yeahhhh! Chewbacca" was sooo funny.
[Sings, badly.]
FBG: So, when hahr yew goink to kiss me, hein?
BNG: Um, kiss? That's against the honor c-
FBG: Honh honh, eef I were in any courtyard in Paris, I'd have inebriated French boys, ahowdoyousay, calling cat to me!
BNG: Well, I suppose that's because you're not part of white American culture.
FBG: I am white, you stoop-eed fat American who hahz no 'air! Goodbai!
[She runs home. It's not far.]
Scene II, the next afternoon
That Cute Black Girl That's In Your Institute Class, Yeah, That One: Is there a reason we're listening to Michael Jackson?
Benjamin: Oh, to make you feel . . . at home?
TCBGTIYICYTO: Ooookay. I'm not actually 42, if you were under the impression-
BNG: Ha. Ha. Ha. So, who's up for Catan and a screening of
South Pacific?
TCBG: [
mutters] He IS really white, and I consider myself pretty open-minded...
There is nothing like a dame!
Nothin' in the world!
There is nothing you can name that is anything like a dame!
BNG: Dames, amiright?
TCBG: [dominates hexagon placing to control wheat production] Yeah, we women are so crazy. And when it's "that time of month!"
BNG: Wait, are you going to go all "feminine b.s." on my ass?
TCBG: Do you even go to BYU?
BNG: Let me guess, your sister's on welfare, and it's my tax dollars paying for it! That Obama.
TCBG: My sister is married to a Korean doctor, actually, and she's studying math. And I voted for Obama, thanks, you can do that and be Mormon.
BNG: [Smugly] You're not even my "main girl."
TCBG: Aha. How riveting. "Peace, bro." [Accompanied by air quotes]
Scene III
Later that night.
The Main Girl: Hiiiiiiii Ben!
BNG: Ghtlryuivr.
TMG: We missed you at choiiiir practice!
BNG: Shmor.
TMG: I just LOVE Men's Chorus. And I just LOVE LOVE LOVE Olive Garden.
BNG: Bsness. Bsness Major!
[At the concert]
TMG: Sooo, what did you think of CONFerence?
BNG: Great, jstgrt-
TMG: I hope you listened to the prophet's counsel. You need to get married, you know! What about that Jessalyn, such a sweet spirit.
BNG: Actually, i -glrp- hoping
TMG: You're not one of them's that own a pornograph, are you--wink, wink!
BNG goes for the kiss: with tongue. TMG bursts into tears and runs away.
Scene IV - Sunday Munch, Mingle, and Mate
Alyssa Ruth Gunderson: Wow, creative dating idea, Ben, you've brought me as your date? Heh.
BNG: Gross. Shut up.
ARG: If you wanted to date that girl, this is what you should have done. Taken to her a concert, maybe dinner, ONLY focus on her, be cool, wear something that isn't a shirt that dad would wear to play tennis, quote Mr. Darcy, kiss her softly after you've brushed her arm at the doorstep, get her a 1 (not 2, that's just tacky) princess-cut diamond, compliment how she smells, don't talk about your mission but show you're a good priesthood holder,
Ben: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! [A table of no-bake cookies is upset, Alyssa's white skirt is ruined by Hawaiian punch.]