#63507 - as god is my witness, I'll never go hungry again

[Whistler]

I'm struggling with this myself. I hate driving, we have one car, and we live further than biking distance from Provo (and the bus doesn't come out this far). I have friends that I see about once a month and I see my husband's siblings about every week. Nevertheless, I don't have any really good friends right here in my neighborhood.

Since I only feel like I really need a friend closeby (location-wise) about 5% of the time (apart from my husband), it makes me wonder if it's worth the effort of looking lonely/pathetic to make a friend out here. Most of the time I'm content to work by myself in the day. Sometimes I prefer being alone, but every once in a while I wish someone would hang out and play video games with me (but the typical female in my ward has small children, and what do they do if we're visiting?).

[Dragon Lady]

(but the typical female in my ward has small children, and what do they do if we're visiting?).

The children? They play. Depending on the age of the child, they're pretty good about just playing with whatever. Even better if you're visiting at their house so they have all their own toys and you don't have to worry about baby/toddler-proffing your own house.

As a side note, married people with kids get lonely for friends, too. And the best friends a married-with-children couple can have are often married-without-kids friends. Because the married-without-kids friends can come over to the married-with-kids couple's house after the kids' bedtime and still play games or whatever. We love playing games but it's night impossible with Dragon Baby awake, but after she's asleep, we can't go out anymore. Which means our social life ends around 8 pm every day. So we seek out friends in the ward that don't have kids and invite them over around 8ish to play games. We have other friends with kids in the ward, but that's often hard, because both of us have to be home around 8ish, so we have to play games with the little 'uns running around and squabbling. Which isn't nearly as much fun. So I guess what I'm saying is that the ladies in your ward who do have kids would probably appreciate your friendship.

[Indefinite Integral]

Another idea I had that Katya didn't mention:

Sometimes a woman, especially one who has been single for a significant length of time, really does "need other people, and desperately," like you said. However, she has been alone long enough to figure out how to do everything on her own. She has convinced herself that she doesn't need a significant other to be happy, and bringing down those barriers of independence can be very frightening. What if it's true that you do need someone else, and then they just leave you sitting out in the cold? Sometimes it's much easier to be aloof and independent than to hang your hopes of happiness on someone else and then have them dashed to pieces.

I don't know if this is what others in this thread meant, but there's another possibility for you.

That's a very good observation, although do you think it's specific to women?

I'm not sure. We'd have to ask some men about that. I don't have any experience being a man. My guess is that it's definitely possible, but I feel like it's more likely something a woman would feel.

Any board males willing to give their input?

[Marduk]

I can't say that I've ever experienced that, but then again, I'm the one who originally said they don't associate self-reliance in economic or material terms with emotional and spiritual support. So perhaps some other males would rather weigh in here.

[Rifka]

I'm struggling with this myself. I hate driving, we have one car, and we live further than biking distance from Provo (and the bus doesn't come out this far). I have friends that I see about once a month and I see my husband's siblings about every week. Nevertheless, I don't have any really good friends right here in my neighborhood.

Since I only feel like I really need a friend closeby (location-wise) about 5% of the time (apart from my husband), it makes me wonder if it's worth the effort of looking lonely/pathetic to make a friend out here. Most of the time I'm content to work by myself in the day. Sometimes I prefer being alone, but every once in a while I wish someone would hang out and play video games with me (but the typical female in my ward has small children, and what do they do if we're visiting?).

I am married without kids and live in Provo, but am happy to come hang out with you from time to time if you want. Send me a private message to coordinate details if you are interested. I'm always happy to make new friends!

[krebscout]

I'm struggling with this myself. I hate driving, we have one car, and we live further than biking distance from Provo (and the bus doesn't come out this far). I have friends that I see about once a month and I see my husband's siblings about every week. Nevertheless, I don't have any really good friends right here in my neighborhood.

Since I only feel like I really need a friend closeby (location-wise) about 5% of the time (apart from my husband), it makes me wonder if it's worth the effort of looking lonely/pathetic to make a friend out here. Most of the time I'm content to work by myself in the day. Sometimes I prefer being alone, but every once in a while I wish someone would hang out and play video games with me (but the typical female in my ward has small children, and what do they do if we're visiting?).

I feel the same, too. My first plan of attack is to get over my hatred of driving. I'm now the primary driver of the family, to get in more practice. And when it comes down to a choice between sitting at home bummed or facing the stress of dragging two kids out and driving on the scary freeway to go meet with some people, I'm trying to choose the latter more.

BUT YES it's totally worth the effort to make friends where you are. There's no downside! Who will dare think that it makes you look lonely or pathetic? Everybody loves friends.

As for the small children problem, as DL said, it's way easier to get visited as a young mom than to go visiting. Or just let them go crazy in your tupperware cabinet, or splash around with some water in a bowl in the kitchen. Somebody else's "toys" can keep them busy for a long time. Let the older ones draw. Or put a movie on a laptop in another room. I have a blossoming testimony of the need for young parents to connect with other adults no matter the inconvenience. They need your friendship, too, Whistler!

And clearly, you're an awesome friend.

[Emiliana]

I might have some insight on the original question. I'm 24 years old. I don't even have a job, much less a career, and live with my dad. Even though I've had some really awesome life experiences before now, and I don't expect this situation to last very long at all, it is not a recipe for good self-esteem. If I were to meet a highly successful, independent guy right now, I wouldn't be all that interested. I would feel like I was mooching off of him. I would feel tempted to adopt *his* goals and dreams, not because I cared about him all that much, but because it would be easier than trying to figure out my own life. Reversing the gender in this situation would change the dynamic a little bit, but not a whole lot. Being around people who have their life together, when you really don't, doesn't always feel so great.

[Katya]

Of COURSE the "rah! I took calculus at 15!"-ers find each other: it's just sort of the way it goes.

Is it possible to take calculus at 15 without being "rah!" about it?

I don't think 12-year-old Jacob Barnett is "rah!" about being so much better than everyone else as he is "rah!" about the Schrödinger equation and whatnot.

Coming back to this, of course it's possible to be very good at math (or whatever) without being insufferable, but what Portia described sounded like . . . a lot of ego in a very small space, I guess.