Humor will not be tolerated!! -Portia

I feel a little left out, like not having served in the Vietnam war. I can't think of a bad date. All the girls I dated were lovely, kind, personable, and fun. I have no horrible worst date stories to tell.

Mine was with a guy that took me to Sensuous Sandwich, got our sandwiches to go, talked about bras and gay women on the way home, walked into his house where he apologized for having lime green trim around the door (they were preparing to rent to girls the next semester. I wouldn't have thought about it at all had he not brought it up, which he only did because he was afraid I'd think he was gay after our previous conversation). He pulled out a movie for us to watch (this was around noon) and then went and put his sandwich in the fridge and watched me eat mine. Turns out he had already eaten, but he didn't want to make me feel awkward if he didn't buy a sandwich, too. (Cuz watching me eat isn't awkward?) While we watched the movie (a cartoon, which was admittedly quite funny, but I have no recollection of what it was called) he massaged my hand and then tried to get me to massage his in return. Then he kept scooting closer to me. At one point I even moved to the other end of the couch and turned so my feet were on the couch, in between us. Then he started stroking my arm and after awhile asked me if that bothered me. To which I replied, "Uhh… a little, yeah." He laughed and kept going. Finally he took me home after the longest 3 hours of my life.

He texted me later that night appalled at his behavior. Apparently he hadn't gotten any sleep for about 36 hours when he picked me up. After he dropped me off he went straight to bed, woke up around 8 and recalled the date and was mortified at his behavior. So he apologized. I forgave him, but was still sufficiently creeped out that I made sure not to give him any signals that I was interested. (Even better, he was in my ward, so I still saw him at least weekly.)

None of mine are sufficiently terrible. I have had some... ah... interesting run-ins with guys, but nothing that actually happened on a date.

But I am much enjoying that site they linked to. I have discovered that I can knot bracelets while reading. : )

I will have to see if I can dig up one of the gchats that describes my worst date because the details are a little sketchy now. But the highlight was probably the part where we were in his truck and he said he had to pee. So we pulled into this parking lot right by the harbor, and got out. I was thinking that he knew where a bathroom was. Oh no. He was going to pee in the ocean. So he told me not to watch (yeah, bit temptation there, especially after how the rest of the night had gone), and went and peed in the ocean. Then he came back and tried to hold my hand.

Okay, I found the gchat that I had right after the worst date ever. It's pretty long, but you don't have to read it. Names have been changed to protect the insane. But in case anyone in my branch has stalked me here and knows who I am, this is the actual story, regardless of what all the crazy rumors that went around the branch for about a year said. And this is also why I quit going to church for about a month right after I moved here. Enjoy!

NG: and i seem to have gotten myself a stalker boy

NG's friend: yeah!

NG: and he's the executive secretary in my branch

NG's friend: I need to hear about your date

NG: okay, so to begin with, i really had no clue that it was going to be a date

NG's friend: okay

NG: because he called me and asked me if i wanted to go hang out with some people in the ward on saturday night (he called me on thursday night, i think)

and i said sure, thinking, oh, that's nice, they're really friendly here and they want to get to know me and stuff

so then he was calling me all day on saturday, and he was like do you want to go bowling with me and my friend Enabler Boy and then we can go over to Enabler Girl's apartment to watch home alone

and still, i'm not thinking that "bowling with me and Enabler Boy" is a date

because it's not

NG's friend: right

NG: so i said, yeah, i have some stuff to do, but i could probably go around 6

so that was okay, so then he called me around 6, and i said, okay i'm ready, so he said, well Enabler Boy's not going to come, and i don't have any money, so let's just go for a walk down by the waterfront

NG's friend: um

NG: so this is a little interesting, but he seemed like a nice guy, and at this point i was wondering if maybe he was up to something, but i still went because the waterfront is within walking distance of my apartment, plus i could totally take this guy if i needed to, plus there are a ton of people at the waterfront

so he calls me and i went downstairs and met him (because you can't get into the residence part of the building without a security car, which i'm thinking now is a really really good thing)

and he's in his dad's truck waiting for me

NG's friend: okay

NG: so he says, i would have bought you a flower, because Enabler Girl said i should (Enabler Girl is the RS president, by the way), but i don't have any money

and i was like, uh, that's okay, you don't have to buy me a flower

NG's friend: um

weird

NG: so we drove to the waterfront (not a long drive) and he told me that he's 26 and he lives with his parents and he works at superstore and he didn't go to college, and he went a mission, but he had to live at home while he was on his mission and he's on ritalin and he makes $300 a week at superstore and that's the most you can make doing whatever it is that he does, so he's pretty excited about that

so we walked around at the waterfront for a while, and he didn't try anything and he kept talking about how gross it is to drink and smoke, and i was like "yeah, it's pretty gross" and then he said, "well, i guess i shouldn't lie to you, i tried smoking once when i was in high school but i didn't like it and i never did it again" and I said something like "oh, well, that was a long time ago so i'm sure you don't have to worry about it" or something like that

and I'm just thinking, what is going on

and Enabler GIrl kept calling him and he said she was asking him how it was going, which i thought was a bit strange

NG's friend: weird!!

he told you he's on ritalin?

NG: oh, it gets better

NG's friend: how did he live at home on his mission??

NG: yeah, he told me he was on ritalin

well, i guess it was like a part time mission, and i've heard of some people who are seriously handicapped or something going on part-time missions where they can't actually leave home and be on their own but they can work in the temple or for church welfare or something like that

NG's friend: he's gonna scare you away from the single's branch!

NG: so maybe it's the same kind of thing, and he's mentally handicapped or something?

he almost has scared me away from the singles branch

because then we walked a bit more and he said he wanted to sit down for a minute

so we sat down, and he did one of those moves like he was yawning and he put his arm around me!

and then Enabler Girl called him again and said they were starting the movie soon, so we decided to go to her place to watch the movie

but on the way we stopped at this park because he wanted to pee in the bushes

but he couldn't find any bushes, so he just stood out in the open and peed in the ocean and told me not to look

and then he came back from peeing and he held my hand, at which point i pretened to cough and covered my mouth because i really didn't want to hold his hand that he had probably just peed all over

NG's friend: gross!!

ohmigosh!

I can't handle this!

NG: oh, it's about to get even better!

NG's friend: you stopped at a park so he could pee in the bushes!

NG: uh, yeah!

so then after i fake cough, he does some other kind of manouver and he starts kissing me!!!!!!

NG's friend: are you kidding?!

I can't handle that!!

NG: not kidding

i know!!

NG's friend: I'm dying over here!

NG: i know you are!!

i wish i was watching!!

NG's friend: so what did you do?

NG: and he is probably the weirdest kisser who has ever kissed me, because he kind of kissed me lots of times like he thought we were "making out", but he wasn't actually touching any part of me except my lips, and his mouth was very much closed and he had his eyes open and they were kind of popping out weirdly

so i really didn't know what to do, so i just kind of pulled away and said, "I think maybe we should go to Enabler Girl's now"

so he was like, "yeah, they're probably waiting for us, so let's go"

NG's friend: I can't handle this!!

NG: and i'm thinking, "oh, good, he got the message without there having to be some big akward moment", right?

i know!!!

NG's friend: right

NG: so we get to Enabler Girl's place, although it actually wasn't Enabler Girl's place, it was Enabler Girl at someone else's place, but whatever, and it's all people from the singles branch and the girls are making cookies and the boys are all in the living room talking

so we go in the the living room and we're all talking and the only place to sit is right beside him, but i think it's okay, because i think he got the message after our "make out session"

NG's friend: okay...

NG: so we start watching the movie, and of course i fall asleep because i always fall asleep in movies and i was incredibly tired anyway because i had been up all night building furniture and then grading labs all day

and i wake up half way through the movie, and he's kind of in my lap and kissing my hand!!

NG's friend: man!!!

I'm dying!

what next??

NG: well, the movie was almost over, so i was thinking, well at least we can leave soon

and all through the rest of the movie i'm kind of pointedly moving away from him and keeping my hands to myself but he keeps going in for more!

and at this point he has started saying "hey, baby" to me every few minutes and kissing my hand or my my nose or my face

and it's just really weird!! and i was just kind of in shock!

so then the movie was over and we were leaving and he said, "bye everyone! me and my girlfriend are leaving now!"

NG's friend: no!!!

I can't handle that!!!

NG: and i'm like "HIS WHAT?!?!?!"

and i'm thinking, okay i'm going to set this guy straight on the way home

NG's friend: baby?!?!

okay....

NG: uh, yeah, baby

but then on the way out he starts going on and on and on about how his last girlfriend didn't appreciate him and she broke up with him and didn't give him his engagement ring back and it's nice that i appreciate him and it had better stay that way

NG's friend: I'm scared!

NG: so i'm, like, okay this is not the time to tell him i'm not his girlfriend because i'm in a car with him and he's insane

so i just basically said nothing

and he was kissing my hand while he was driving

and that's when he told me he loved me

NG's friend: oh no!

NG: he said, "I love you. Do you know that?" and i was like "um" and then before i could say anything else he said "Hey beautiful. You're the most gorgeous thing in the whole universe."

and then he starts saying that he said that to his last girlfriend and she didn't appreciate it enough

NG's friend: I'm scared!

NG: and he just goes on and on non-stop talking and then we're almost back at my place, and he says, do you want to go to the park and make out or are you too tired?

and i said, "I'm pretty tired. I should go home"

and he said, "okay. You know, i don't really like french kissing, so i didn't french kiss you, but i will if you really want me too. But i french kissed this girl one time, and she said i stuck my tongue too far down her throat."

and i said, "oh, that's okay, i don't want you to french kiss me"

NG's friend: I bet you did!!

I'm so scared!!

NG: uh, me too

NG's friend: was this Friday or Saturday?

me: this was saturday

NG's friend: is there more?

did you see him sunday?

NG: so then he said, "I'm supposed to go to a meeting before church, but I'll skip it to come pick you up so we can be together" and i was like, "no, you should go to your meeting, and i'll see you at church

i didn't see him sunday, because this is what happened

i came home, and i was like, okay i need to call this guy and tell him that i'm not his girlfriend before this goes any furthur

NG's friend: okay

NG: so i called him about three times on sunday morning, but he wasn't answering his phone, so i finally left him a message saying, you're a nice guy, but i don't even know you , so i don't think i should be your girlfriend etc etc

and i said, you can call me when you get this or something like that

so i didn't hear from him and about an hour later, i thought, well what if he didn't get my message, or what if something really freaky is going on now so i decided to call him back

NG's friend: okay

NG: and i was kind of sick (i got sick earlier in the week because there's some kind of bad cold going around my whole department, but i was feeling better on saturday, but i had decided by then that maybe i just wouldn't go to church because i didn't feel good and it was raining i have to take the bus and i didn't really want to see stalker boy anyway)

so he answered that time

and i said, hey, did you get my message

and he said no

he answered the phone with "Hey baby"

NG's friend: I'm scared!

NG: so i said oh. well, i just wanted to tell you that i think we don't really know each other and i shouldn't be your girlfriend and i'm not even sure if i have time for a relationship right now, so maybe we can just be friends

and i was really terrified at this point

and he said, "oh, yeah, that's a really great idea!"

and i'm just like "what?! he thinks that's a great idea?"

so i said, okay, well, i'll talk to you later because i'm feeling kind of sick again so i'm not going to church

NG's friend: okay.....

I'm still scared.....

NG: oh, there's more

so i had called my parents on saturday night and told them the whole story, and i had called them right before i called him, and they were going to call me back in a bit

so the phone (which doesn't have caller id) rings, and i answer, thinking it's my parents, and it's him

NG's friend: okay...

NG: and he says "i was thinking that after church you could come over and i could make dinner for you. I can't cook very well, but i've only had to calll the fire department once!"

and I said, "I don't think that's a very good idea"

NG's friend: oh dear

okay

NG: and he said, "but i went to sobey's last night and bought a whole pound of meat because i wanted you to come over!"

and i said, "well, maybe Enabler Girl can come over" because this whole thing seems to be her doing anyway

so he said, yeah, okay, i'll ask her. maybe we can do something later this week

and i said, "I don't really think so. I'm pretty busy this week, and I don't really think we should date. I'll see you in church next sunday"

so then we were done

And that's where the hilarious part of the story ends and he proceeded to leave me like 5 messages a day for the next several months despite my repeated insistence that we weren't going to date. But then he found someone else. He's really not dangerous, it turns out, just extremely socially challenged.

OH. MY. GOODNESS.

That's a bad date.

Ouch, Nerd Girl.

Ehh, I'm in the same boat vorpal, no really bad dates here. The only one that really comes to mind is going to one of the twilight grand openings with a roommate, his fiancee, and her roommate. Not really a date in my mind, but was somewhat scarring nonetheless.

On the other side of the coin, I'm 98% sure I wouldn't be found in anyone else's worst date stories, so at least I've got that going for me.

Ugh, NerdGirl, that is awful! And seriously creepy. I'm quite happy that I don't have any really terrible date stories. Sure, I've had dates that weren't exactly awesome and some that were a little awkward, but nothing that comes even close to that! You have my most sincere condolences.

I once went on a date.

The girl asked me out by text message. I did not ask her out.

And it was her, her (weird) brother, her (weird) male friend, and two of her (weird) female friends.

And I didn't know any of them.

And so they decided for dinner, we were going to Panda Express. Yeah. Fast food.

And then she expected me to pay. So I did.

Even though she asked me on the date.

And then we went to an improv comedy club.

Fortunately, there was no talking involved.

Did I mention all of the other people were REALLY weird?

They were.

Really.

And so then, after the comedy show, they were like "let's go watch a movie!"

At this point, it was about 11:00 on Saturday night.

So I plead the "I have 8:00 church and have to be there early to play the organ, so... I've got to go home."

Oh, did I mention that I had to drive to her house, as opposed to them picking me up?

I didn't. I know.

It was mostly just an extremely awkward experience.

And the other 5 people were REALLY, REALLY weird.

Giovanni Schwartz wrote: Did I mention all of the other people were REALLY weird?

Whenever someone tells a story in which they describe some some side character as "really weird" (without defining what behavior made them weird), I become immediately concerned that I would be described similarly. You know, for example, I'm sure there are stories where I am cast as the "really weird roommate of this girl I dated," or "really weird girl in my study group."

So, what made them really weird? Just so I can compare my behavior.

Just... I dunno. But I doubt you were weird like they were weird. Some of it might have been because I was the only one of the group that didn't know all of them, so they weren't on guard, but that only counts for so much.

I don't know that I've had any really bad dates, and certainly nothing like Nerdgirls. That's....like something out of a movie. Hey! Maybe it isn't, and you can sell the story! Turn your bad experience into millions!

Anyway, my worst date...

So, there's this really cute girl in the singles ward I was in. I wasn't super attracted to her, but she was like, gorgeous. This means two things: her personality wasn't really interesting to me, so I wasn't interested in her. And two, since she is so pretty, she has tons of guys asking her out all the time. These added up to me not even giving her a second thought.

But then, other girl who is her best friend, and somewhat my friend (we hung out every once in a while, but not a whole lot) started telling me "She's really interested in you. She thinks you're smart, and funny too. She told me to tell you she wants you to ask her out." So I'm thinking, ok, why not? It is always nice to know that a girl is going to say yes when you ask her.

So I ask her out, she says yes, and says weekends are generally really busy with work and other stuff, so we should do weekday. So I agree, but I'm thinking, she's interested in me, but she's bumping me back to a weekday? So it is Wednesday night, I tell her "I'm not much of a 'super cool date idea' kinda guy, so I figured we'd grab some food and go catch a movie." She responds with "Oh, that's cool. I've actually been wanting to see (insert lame movie here, whose title escapes me now. Something with Nicholas Cage and Jessica Biel.) We could do that and then go eat."

We get to the movie which is nearly empty, and it is awful, but that's ok, because she starts to make fun of it, so I make fun of it right along with her. We're cracking jokes to each other, and laughing through it, and it seems to be going pretty well. We leave the theater, and I say, "so where did you want to eat?" To which she responds, "Uh, I think I'd better go home. (It is about 9 o'clock.) I go running early in the mornings." So I think to myself, that's wierd. Why would she not have mentioned that earlier?

Then we get into the car. I keep starting conversations, and asking her questions, and just get one word responses. I'm like, what's going on? She is supposedly interested in me, we were laughing a lot through the movie, and now it is like she hates me? Anyway, we get to her house, I drop her off, and say “well, thanks, that was fun. We'll have to do something when we can have a bit more time to get to know each other.” And she gets out of the car, looks in through the window, and says, “I don't think so.” So after an awkward second, I say, “uh, ok. See you in church, I guess.” And I drive away.

I go to church on Sunday, and she is sitting with a guy, also in our ward (whom I've never seen her with before now.) I make a couple of references about it to various people, and get responses back like “oh yeah. They are practically engaged. They've been going out for months.” Just about everyone I talk to gives me this response, so apparently everyone in the ward but me knew. So I ask other girl who told me to ask her out in the first place, who is supposed to be her best friend, and get “huh, that's weird.”

Needless to say, I never went out with her again.

At least you didn't *ahem* quack under pressure.

Giovanni Schwartz wrote:At least you didn't *ahem* quack under pressure.

No. Just stop. Stop trying to make that stick. Bob is the only one allowed to call me that. Also, I'm not ahem. She's over there.

I'm the one that associated you with ducks and Che Guevera, remember?

It's all out of love, 'Duk. But if it really bugs you, I'll stop.

I'll have you know that I thought of calling him Duck all by myself, thank you very much.

I did have a date which was rather uncomfortable, at first.

It was a blind date, just after I came home from my mission. I came into the ward during the middle of the school year, where everyone in the ward seemed to know everyone else, but I only knew my roommate (we served in the same mission at the same time.) I was pressed to accept a blind date to a BYU dance. I don't remember now if it was my bishop or someone else who was pressing me. So, I accepted and called her apartment before the dance to arrange the time I would pick her up. She was really hard to understand over the phone, but we communicated.

When I came to pick her up I realized that I did know this girl. She was the one in the ward who could barely walk, usually being supported by her roommates. When she walked she jerked around in a halting fashion. I wondered, how are we ever going to dance?

Well, we tried dancing several times, but it wasn't really a success from my point of view. She gripped my arm tightly so she wouldn't fall, and she gave it the old college try. But... it was just awkward. When we sat down to talk her speech impediment was so pronounced that with all the loud music and talk in the room I couldn't really understand her. Her friends seemed to have abandoned her, and my own roommate was too cool to be at a dance like that. I felt at first that I had been set up, but I soon saw that she had always wanted to go to a dance (and perhaps, just to go out on a date) and she beamed with happiness and contentment. I tried to help her have as good a time as I could. I'm pretty sure she never thought that her date with me was the worst date in her life. Maybe it was one of her better dates, and that thought made me happy. It still makes me happy.

bobtheenchantedone wrote:I'll have you know that I thought of calling him Duck all by myself, thank you very much.

I still said that before you called him Duck.

Hm. I fall in the category of not having had a really terrible date- I've had a few that were less than stellar, some forgettable ones, but nothing that really makes me cringe. I did go on one date that I was recounting just yesterday where I froze up because I was kind of interested in two boys who were roommates, and a third roommate was the one who asked me out. The first date was fine, but when he asked me out again, I agreed to go and between accepting the date and going on the date, I psyched myself out and felt so bad the whole date because I was totally not being myself. This was very atypical for me because I'm normally good at being honest when dating is involved.

I've had two particularly bad dates. The first one was an emergency blind date that happened my freshman year. My roommate was going on a group date, and one of the other girls backed out at the last minute due to a "Relief Society Activity," so my roommate asked me to fill in. At first, it was cool. The guy was pretty cute and seemed relatively interesting, so I was totally down with it. We walked to the BYU soccer game and sat down. Pretty soon, my date spots someone across the bleachers. Sure enough, it was the same girl who bailed on him for the "Relief Society Activity." So he then proceeded to call her up and cuss her out in front of me and everyone else. He was in a pretty bad mood the rest of the night, and I don't think he said another word to me until after the game was over. Needless to say, I was no longer interested.

The other date was with one of my co-workers. I wasn't particularly attracted to the guy, but I figured it was just a first date so whatever. He picked me up on his motorcycle, which was bad for a couple of reasons. First of all, I am somewhat terrified of motorcycles, especially since he didn't bring helmets for either of us. Second of all, it meant that I had to touch him. I didn't want to touch him. But I did, because I feared for my life as we went speeding down 9th East at 70 mph. We went to see a dude movie, which I completely hated and he completely loved. After the movie, he asked if it was okay to drop by some girl's house for a few minutes. I agreed, since I knew who she was. But as it turns out, he wanted to stop by and say goodbye to this girl and her roommates because they were leaving Provo the next day and not coming back. I just sat in the corner by myself while these overly-emotional girls sat there sobbing for like half an hour. They all cried on each other's shoulders. Wow. At that point, someone decided it would be a good idea to go get some food. After we got to the restaurant, some of his sketchy tattooed friends showed up. I sat there mortified while these dudes laughed and yelled and screamed like a bunch of drunks in a bar. They were making dicey jokes about Muslims and loudly criticizing all kinds of minority groups (who were seated just across the aisle). People kept looking at our table. I kept looking at the floor. After he finally took me home, I breathed a sigh of relief...until he asked me out again. He didn't get a second date.

And then there was the guy in high school who would ask me out every week, and I turned him down every time. But he just kept on asking! Sometimes they don't take no for an answer...