Humor will not be tolerated!! -Portia

http://theboard.byu.edu/index.php?area=viewall&id=57877

This may not even apply to the situation, but I'm suggesting it because it seems to just not occur to some people in the church, especially if they are in YSA land. Have you tried offering her a ride to things? I don't yet have a driver's license, so I obviously don't have a car, and the times in my life when I've been "inactive" or at least not gone to ward activities have been times when I've been too sick to walk or when activities have been too far away for me to walk to (like family home evening at the bishop's house in Springville when I lived in north Provo). I don't even know how many times people (in one ward in particular) would say "We missed you at church!" or "Why don't you ever come to any activities?" I would explain that I sometimes didn't feel well enough to walk 40 minutes too and from church, or that I had no way to get to activities since I didn't have a car. People never offered me a ride! Even when I got brave enough to ask for a ride, I would have people tell me that their car was full, either with their roommates, friends, or crap that they just didn't want to move out of the back seat. It was pretty ridiculous. So Charles Dikkens, if you're reading this, ask if her if she needs a ride to things. If she says that transportation isn't a problem, then follow the Unlucky Stuntman and Mico's advice.

My ward has been incredibly good about giving rides. It has been amazing. I can ask my neighbors for rides to anything that I might need a ride to.

I would say that being a friend is the most important thing. I never like to be a project. I don't like to go to things where I don't really know anyone. I think the best way to do what your Bishop has asked is to become a genuine friend to her and then invite her to institute with you.

I think the best thing to do about these kinds of situations is not invite them to these functions at all. What reason are they going to have if they think you're just a project?

Befriend them first. Get to know them, take 'em to get ice cream or whatever. Once you've established yourself as a friend outside of the church, then you start inviting them to functions.

Unit of Energy wrote:I think the best way to do what your Bishop has asked is to become a genuine friend to her and then invite her to institute with you.

Devil's advocate, here: Is it even possible to become a "genuine" friend to someone when the only reason the relationship has been formed is at the Bishop's instigation? (Related topic: How many deep friendships do you have that started as someone being assigned to be your friend?)

I actually do believe that it can happen. I have so many really close friends that I can call up any time that I would never had met had it not been a calling first, be it visiting teaching, home teachers, or relief society presidents.

Katya wrote:

Unit of Energy wrote:I think the best way to do what your Bishop has asked is to become a genuine friend to her and then invite her to institute with you.

Devil's advocate, here: Is it even possible to become a "genuine" friend to someone when the only reason the relationship has been formed is at the Bishop's instigation? (Related topic: How many deep friendships do you have that started as someone being assigned to be your friend?)

It's possible, but it doesn't always come easily. When I think back on all my years of visiting teachers, I can only think of two girls who I would've actually considered to be my friends. Why? Because we talked and laughed and really visited with each other, instead of having this uncomfortable forced situation followed by a formal lesson. Same goes for home teachers. The more I felt like we were friends, the less it felt like an assignment.

thebigcheese wrote:It's possible, but it doesn't always come easily. When I think back on all my years of visiting teachers, I can only think of two girls who I would've actually considered to be my friends. Why? Because we talked and laughed and really visited with each other, instead of having this uncomfortable forced situation followed by a formal lesson.

I hate that. That's why I'm hesitant to do my home teaching because I frankly don't believe in it. At least, not in the conventional sense. I think we're far too stringent and bogged down in the tradition that home teaching has become when it really shouldn't be that way.

I see nothing wrong with taking your home teaching families or whatever out to go bowling or something. Get to know them and be a friend to them, let them know that you're a friend to them and are always available to help rather than just being required to help for our own salvation. People should enjoy their home teaching visits if you ask me.

Our home teachers are sometimes at our house for a good 20 minutes before we get to the lesson. They ask us how things are going, and we tell them all sorts of things that are going on, and they laugh with us and discuss things with us. They are also very nice to the smaller ones who nearly kill themselves trying to show off. : )

FauxRaiden wrote: Get to know them and be a friend to them, let them know that you're a friend to them and are always available to help rather than just being required to help for our own salvation. People should enjoy their home teaching visits if you ask me.

I think that is exactly right. Growing up my best friends were the families that my dad home taught. We would invite them over for games. I would go with my dad home teaching on occasion and then we would stay and play for a while. I try really hard to be a good visiting teacher, and I guess I'm succeeding, as I'm friends with my girls. And often I feel like they help me more than I'm helping them. But the point is that we are friends.

I'm glad most people agreed with our answers. I do want to add one thing about being a genuine friend to someone you were assigned to visit. I think my dad is one of the best home teachers anyone could have, and I'm not just saying that because I think my dad is awesome. We rarely had FHE in our home, but we always talked about gospel topics, and a lot of times it was in relation to movies or books we recently saw/read (Mary Poppins, Harry Potter, The Godfather [yeah]). When he home taught other people it wasn't like he was going over there to talk with strangers, he always treated it like he was talking with his own family. He brought our Mary Poppins DVD and showed them clips, he brought CDs, he had the same discussion he would have with his own family. It wasn't an assignment, it was like an extension of his filial duties.

Anyway, I think that is a good way to go about it, and why I mentioned that the person in the question should not treat this girl like another person but as a friend. I think we can be nice and friendly to people who aren't our "friends" without being phony.

As a side note, my personal favorite home teaching visit ended with the usual question, "Is there anything we can do for you?"

So we asked if they could do the chicken dance for us. And they did. Best home teachers ever.

thebigcheese wrote:As a side note, my personal favorite home teaching visit ended with the usual question, "Is there anything we can do for you?"

So we asked if they could do the chicken dance for us. And they did. Best home teachers ever.

I am so saying that next time ours come over. I bet they would, too. Even on a normal visit they usually have a magic trick to show us or something.

I'm with the group that hasn't really had a lot of friendship success from home and visiting teaching. Maybe when I was younger, when I'd see our home teacher at church and he'd shake my hand and leave a piece of candy in my hand when he pulled away, or we'd have pool parties together or something like that. But visiting teaching these days is AWKWARD. The women that visit me are at such different stages in life, and while I know for some people that actually helps them learn a lot, I just feel like there is no real kinship there. I almost dread them coming over and hesitate to do my own (though mainly that's because I'm busy all day and only have time after 9pm, which is easy enough in a singles ward but virtually impossible in a family ward, or on Saturdays, when everybody's out doing things with family). I know it's something I need to gain a testimony of, but I just don't have one yet, nor am I ready now to put forth the effort to gain one.

Back to the OP, I agree with the notion that he should try to be her friend first. Forget institute for awhile and just be there for her. After she realizes that you'll be her friend whether she goes to institute or not, maybe she'll surprise you by going one night. And please, if and when she starts going to Institute regularly, don't stop spending time with her. That just screams "my work is done and yay me for doing a good deed, now I can go back to my own life."

I acquired one of my favorite people because she was kind of assigned to visit. A couple of my freshman roommates apparently complained to her about how socially weird/isolated I was and how I never left the apartment. So she decided to get to know me a little bit. And then she realized my freshman roommates were idiots and I was awesome. And we were awesome forever after.

At least, that's how she told it when she confessed a few years into our friendship.

I think Home Teaching can be very awkward, but it's very important.

I am probably one of the most awkward people I know (which is really something, believe it or not) and sometimes when I've gone home teaching I've felt like a complete moron who doesn't know how to do almost anything effectively.

And then there will be another visit to the same people where I feel the Spirit, and we have fun, and when I come out I feel that everyone has been edified and my companion and I were able to help somehow.

So there's definitely a reason the leaders of the Church place so much emphasis on home and visiting teaching (even to people like ME) -- if you try your best (or, on the off days, try to try your best) and try to get to know and love the people you have been assigned to, good things will happen.

On a somewhat-related note, one of my religion professors last year told my class that the Brethren have emphasized (or at least tried to emphasize) in the past that the monthly visits/lessons are more like a minimum requirement (i.e. you can visit your families more than once a month), but that members of the Church in general have been kind of sticks-in-the-mud about it, and stuck to the "old" once-a-month deal. Maybe that's why the First Presidency messages in the Ensign are so much more compact now (to put less emphasis on the teaching/lesson and more emphasis on the talking/visiting/helping).