I don't mean to be bride-zilla, but...

[thebigcheese]

Pardon my rant, but I need to let off a little steam here. First, an introduction. I am not one of those girls who has been planning my wedding since my 5th birthday. I have been planning it since a few weeks ago, and even then, I don't particularly enjoy it. I don't like frilly, girly things. I don't like wearing dresses. I don't like event planning in general. I also don't like telling people what to do. Oh, and I can be kind of a perfectionist, once I've decided my preferences.

Now, the problem. I'll try to be brief. Since we decided against having bridesmaids and groomsmen at our upcoming wedding, our brothers and sisters were going to be like pseudo-bridesmaids and pseudo-groomsmen. They didn't necessarily have to wear exactly the same thing, but they needed to be coordinated somehow. Perhaps they would all wear the same color, or a scheme of colors. Perhaps they would all wear the same style of dress or tux. Those were my ideas. In the initial planning stages for the wedding, I threw out some of these ideas to the future mother- and sister-in-laws. My intention was to get some feedback, as I normally don't care about things like pretty colors and matching dresses and thus have no feel for what actually looks good together. And for me, the phrases "I'm thinking about doing this" and "Lately, I've been liking things like this" don't imply any sort of commitment. They are merely ideas.

Well, apparently the ladies all started talking to each other and somehow got it in their heads that some of these "ideas" were actually finalized decisions. Why is that a problem, you ask? Because they ALL went out and bought really expensive clothing according to their interpretation of "what we're doing" for the wedding!

So I've just been casually going along, weighing my options. Finally, this past Saturday morning, I made the final decision of "what we're doing" for the wedding. And I was pretty excited about it, just thinking of the coordination and color schemes and how well it all fit together. Then on Saturday afternoon, I started telling one of the sisters about this grand scheme of decisions I had finally made. Well, I was shocked to discover that 5 of the 6 sisters had already made expensive clothing purchases that were definitely NOT in line with my idea of "what we're doing" for the wedding. I found out that some of the women are wearing the men's colors or the accent colors, their clothing styles range from way too casual to way too formal, their colors don't actually fit the color scheme, and so on. You would think they had picked clothes at random! I went from feeling very relieved about finalizing the plans to being completely horrified that everyone had just gone out and bought whatever they felt like. I didn't know that anyone was actually buying stuff! While I was still brainstorming, they had all gone out and finished the job!

So now I'm torn between two options. I could just accommodate them and get over it. After all, they are not bridesmaids or groomsmen. According to tradition, they don't really have to match. Or I could explain to everyone that there was some sort of misunderstanding and now they all have to return everything and start over because I changed my mind at some point along the way (and then I would feel like a total jerk afterward). Uggh. Every time I think about it, I just feel sick. I hate confronting people with every fiber of my being. And up to this point, I've been on my best behavior trying to build family relations.

I just feel like, somewhere along the way, somebody else stepped in and said, "Well this is what I heard, so this must be what we're doing. Let's go drop a few hundred bucks on it." WHY WOULD YOU GO OUT AND BUY STUFF WITHOUT THE FINAL CONFIRMATION OF THE DETAILS FROM THE BRIDE HERSELF? Don't ask the groom, don't ask the groom's mother, don't ask the groom's brothers or sisters or whoever. ASK THE BRIDE! My goodness.

</end rant>

Wow. Let me take a breath for a minute. Let me take a step back. I guess I just don't understand how the communication breakdowns happened, and I'm completely frustrated by that. And I'm completely shocked and bothered by the fact that no one even thought to ask me, the bride/wedding planner, for some sort of confirmation/approval or to tell me what was going on behind the scenes. And I'm also completely confused about what I should do now because all of my advice-givers have different opinions. Some say that it's my day and I should get what I want because these pictures are going to last. Others say that I should just accommodate them because certain family members are particularly testy and it wouldn't be good for building family relations.

And I just want to run away and hide. Please don't make me confront them...

[NerdGirl]

I think you should elope.

[UnluckyStuntman]

I ditto Nerd Girl's suggestion.

[Whistler]

I'm also getting married soon. It's possible that since everyone is so used to mothers being in charge that they just assumed the moms knew what they were talking about.

I'm not doing the bridesmaids thing either, and probably everyone will only sort of be matching in a non-wedding color (who would have thought navy was so popular?), but I'm okay with that. I think that people who choose their own clothes to wear are happy people. Except for guys, they have to wear matching ties. Maybe you can have just a few people change their outfits (how many bridesmaids photos have you seen hanging up on walls)? I would suggest talking with the moms (or whoever gave the initial "wrong" instructions) to see if they can help you work things out.

[Darth Fedora]

If you're unhappy with a situation, it would be perfectly reasonable to try to change it.
If I were in your position, I might call up the individuals who bought the wrong dresses, explain the miscommunication, apologize a few times, and then politely request that they exchange the dresses they bought for more appropriate ones. If you make it clear that any miscommunication was accidental, and you are sincerely sorry for the inconvenience and grateful for their cooperation, they will probably be willing to be good sports about it. Good luck!

[bismark]

men shouldn't wear matching outfits at a wedding. it makes them look like they are in a chorus line. *protip*

[Craig Jessop]

men shouldn't wear matching outfits at a wedding. it makes them look like they are in a chorus line. *protip*

Can I get an amen from the crowd?

[Dead Cat]

As long as everyone looks okay, I wouldn't worry too much. Everyone different is better than one different--and even then it isn't the end of the world (my grandma was the odd one out at both my sister's and my parents' wedding and only my mom remembers anymore).

[ahem.]

So now I'm torn between two options. I could just accommodate them and get over it. After all, they are not bridesmaids or groomsmen. According to tradition, they don't really have to match. Or I could explain to everyone that there was some sort of misunderstanding and now they all have to return everything and start over because I changed my mind at some point along the way (and then I would feel like a total jerk afterward). Uggh. Every time I think about it, I just feel sick. I hate confronting people with every fiber of my being. And up to this point, I've been on my best behavior trying to build family relations.

Eh. You said yourself you don't like confrontation. The process of going through and individually explaining to each girl what happened and soothing feelings, and etc.? Yech. Sounds like a ton of stress for you. My advice is to just let it go and not worry to much. I know you spent a lot of time thinking about it and finally came up with something you're excited about. It sucks to let that go, but I think you'll be a lot less sick about it if you just go with the flow a little bit.

But hey, you're the bride, and if this IS really worth the confrontation, go for it. They'll get over it.

Here's my thing: I do not think your wedding day is actually for you, contrary to popular belief. It's about your family. You only get the ceremony and the guy. And really, those are the only important parts.

[FauxRaiden]

Reading through your rant Cheese honestly annoyed me, I'm with you. I'm a guy and even I would be mad if these girls just went ahead and jumped the gun on this kind of stuff.

Feelings aside, you just have to decide whether or not the confrontation is worth the result. I would say no. Sounds to me like those women are gonna be pretty offended if you tell them that they need to change clothes, "But I already bought this expensive dress and I can't return it (which they probably can, but will say they can't because that's what they do) and you should have told us...blah blah"

I think the hassle is more than it's worth.

[Imogen]

if they're not bridesmaids or groomsmen, who cares? i had to help two best friends through weddings. one let her sister-in-law walk all over her and force her to change her bridesmaids dresses (the SIL wanted a long dress. bride wanted short.). one let her MIL walk all over her and force her to change her wedding colors AND VENUE (bride wanted green and butterfly gardens. MIL said I would look bad in green (this woman barely knows me btw. and i look AWESOME in green) and she didn't want butterflies to land on her during the wedding). of course, their pushiness during wedding planning has carried over to the actual marriages to the point where friend 2 is considering divorce because her MIL is constantly questioning her decisions and trying to force herself into the relationship.

what i'm getting at is, if they're not int he actual wedding party, they should be able to wear what they want as long as it's appropriate for the setting (no bikinis at a formal reception). they are not the focus of the day, the couple is. but if i were going to a wedding as a guest, i wouldn't expect to match the bridal party/color scheme. i don't see why this is even a problem. and if they're a "pseudo" bridal party, why didn't you just have them be a real bridal party? are they going to be standing up with you or just doing the duties normally given to the bridal party and just sitting in the pews? if they're not standing up with you, what they wear doesn't really matter either.

if you're this upset about it, it's worth talking about. just tell them the things you discussed before were just ideas and you wanted their feedback. now you've made a decision and you're sorry but they need to change outfits. if the clothes haven't been worn, they can be returned.

and ahem, if i'm paying for a wedding it's MINE and everyone will do as i say! (i know not everyone pays for their weddings, but my friends did (and still got railroaded), and i'm planning to, and NO ONE will be allowed to have input unless they help me pay for something).

[NerdGirl]

and ahem, if i'm paying for a wedding it's MINE and everyone will do as i say! (i know not everyone pays for their weddings, but my friends did (and still got railroaded), and i'm planning to, and NO ONE will be allowed to have input unless they help me pay for something).

This is how I feel. Except that if I ever get married, I kind of just want to elope with whatever friends and family members aren't going to be ridiculous stress cases, so there probably won't be much to pay for.

[TheAnswerIs42]

I don't know, I think I can sympathize a bit more here. I think I would feel uncomfortable not only because my wishes weren't stated well, but especially because I would feel guilty that people spent way too much money for something I didn't even want. That is a hard thing to correct. I would like to say that I would try and explain it to them, but I know I am way too cowardly for that. Without knowing the people invovled, I can't say how to approach it - maybe talk to the most levelheaded one and see if they can help you iron it out, or something like that.

And I think we can all agree that these little details do not mean life as we know it will end. But when you have a picture of things in your head as you want them, it makes you happy to see that work out and stressed to see it not work out. I think it is cute when the family coordinates. We didn't do that, but I appreciate it when it is done.

For me, my "what were they thinking?" was my cake. It was one of the first things I decided about my wedding, doodling pictures in class one day. I loved the image of it in my head. One of my aunt's friends offered to make it for us (you can't argue with free!) and then every time I talked to them one more concession was made, based on what would bleed into the icing or look better or something. I really didn't like the cake they made much at all. That makes me sigh every time I see a picture of it. But it tasted yummy, and it was very nice of her to save us that cost when we were scrimping for everything.

[Wisteria]

Heh. Imogen, Mormon weddings (especially Utah Mormon weddings) are very unorthodox compared to the rest of the country. I don't recall where thebigcheese is from or where she's getting married, but it sounds like a pretty typical Mormon wedding scenario to me. If the couple is sealed in the temple, the ceremony is very simple and if the bride has chosen to have a wedding party, their role is only played outside of the temple, mostly for pictures and the reception. Since things are so different from how most weddings take place already, and since family is so central to Mormon culture (and doctrine, but this is more a case of culture), then oftentimes instead of a formal wedding party, the whole family will wear something that matches or is in wedding colors, etc. My sister-in-law didn't want any formal bridesmaids, but she told her sisters and me and my sisters to all go out and buy something we liked in red or brown, her colors. So in a way, I can see how a situation like that can provide for more people to coordiante and more potential misunderstanding.

[ahem.]

Fun story:

None of my married siblings had formal bridesmaids, but the brides did want some sort of color coordination. My mom didn't like the lack of uniformity, and slyly made sure that everyone in my family matched exactly. Unfortunately, this made the siblings from the other side look out of place and weird.

She tried to do this at my little sister's weddings. The sisters were supposed to just wear any knee-length black dress with a silver sash/belt. My mom bought all the sisters on my side matching dresses. At the last minute, we decided to just wear different black dresses so my new brother-in-law's sisters wouldn't feel out of place. My mom was pissed. But the pictures look a lot better, in my opinion.

[thebigcheese]

I don't recall where thebigcheese is from or where she's getting married, but it sounds like a pretty typical Mormon wedding scenario to me.

We both recently graduated from BYU, and we are getting married in the Salt Lake Temple. He grew up in Utah, and I grew up in Texas, but our big Mormon families are coming from every corner of the country to be there.

We are not doing bridesmaids/groomsmen because those are typically single people. And basically all of our friends are either married or have lost contact with us after graduation.

[Tao]

This is how I feel. Except that if I ever get married, I kind of just want to elope with whatever friends and family members aren't going to be ridiculous stress cases, so there probably won't be much to pay for.

I agree fully with this attitude. Eloping seems so much easier. My brother called my folks up and asked if they could get to the church that evening. I believe that's when they found out he'd proposed.

[bobtheenchantedone]

After spending an afternoon helping sort bridal gowns, I want to say something in this thread but don't have much to add. Except that I don't want anything to be a huge thing that has to have a lot of planning. I like planning, but I don't like planning. It's hard to explain.

I will also take this time to say that I haven't weighed in on the conversation because, reading your post, cheese, I was thinking, "Yeah, yeah, that's me there. Dang. What would I do in this situation? Ask other people. Hmm. I don't think I'm going to be much help." I empathize, though!

[thebigcheese]

After spending an afternoon helping sort bridal gowns, I want to say something in this thread but don't have much to add. Except that I don't want anything to be a huge thing that has to have a lot of planning. I like planning, but I don't like planning. It's hard to explain.

I'm totally the same way. I never intended for this to be difficult for anyone and my whole plan was actually built around the idea of making this an easy, yet tasteful, event. It's just the miscommunications that messed it all up because everyone was working from a different game plan.

Interesting side note that's only somewhat related...I completely and totally underestimated the opinions of other people. I didn't realize that anyone would outright refuse to wear certain things because they are more traditional than me. Or that anyone would have a particularly strong opinion about things like food. I thought it was all my choice! Apparently moms and sisters can be very, VERY opinionated.

I couldn't care less about some of these stupid wedding traditions...

[ahem.]

Now I'm curious what your ideal plan was going to be. Can you describe it? I promise not to judge.