Humor will not be tolerated!! -Portia

http://theboard.byu.edu/questions/61216/

Spot on, RP! As soon as I read the question, I was going to write in a comment about Dr. Chapman's book, and then I read RP's answer and saw I didn't have to. (The best comment is the one you never have to write . . .)

For anyone else who's familiar with the book (or who has read RP's answer)--what are your primary love languages?

mine are definitely physical touch and words of affirmation. whoever marries me better be prepared for lots of cuddle time and "i love you"s

Largely tactile for receipt and tactile/service/(gifting?) for expression.

I'm intrigued that the question asker described herself as "shallow" for wanting gifts. I've discussed the 5 Love Languages on another forum, and everyone on that forum shied away from describing themselves as wanting gifts as a love language, I think for the same reason. For anyone who is willing to "out" themselves as liking gifts, is it really about the monetary value, or is it more about the investment of thought and time? (I.e., do valuable gifts automatically trump gifts that aren't as expensive?)

i'd say investment and thought. my friends who like to get gifts always prefer ones that are thoughtful. i guess i'm a gift giver to show my love, and i always put a lot of thought into it. most years i make christmas gifts for everyone. or i think of something they need and get them that.

Imogen wrote:my friends who like to get gifts always prefer ones that are thoughtful.

Oh, I definitely agree with that. Although, I suppose there's more than one way to define "thoughtful." (I.e., it's thoughtful to pick up flowers on your way home from work, but it's a relatively generic gift.)

the flowers thing reminds me of one time i was having the worst week ever and my ex went to my house and left me flowers on my bed. it was very sweet.

this also reminds me of my theory of engagement rings: size of stone is meaningless. it's all about thought. my friend's husband got her a ring with a piece of a meteor in it because she's a geologist. my other friend's fiance went to at least 4 or 5 stores to find the best ring he could with the best diamonds he could find because it's how he expresses his love. more effort=more care in my book.

Imogen wrote:size of stone is meaningless.

Except that it's clearly not, to some people. (But I can't say I think highly of those people.)

Imogen wrote:my friend's husband got her a ring with a piece of a meteor in it because she's a geologist.

Awwww.

Imogen wrote:more effort=more care in my book.

Yeah. I agree with that. But if I had to pick between getting a thoughtful gift from someone and spending quality time with someone, I'd still prefer the quality time, so I think it's my primary love language.

i guess i want the people i love to know i'm thinking about them, even if we our schedules don't mesh and we can't see each other for long. so thoughtful gifts it is!

I've always said that my top two are physical touch and quality time...but one of my old roommates had an interesting comment. She thinks I'm probably more of a "words of affirmation" person than I think I am. The more I think about that, the more I think she's totally right. Not so much in the "I love you" sense, but more in the "I'm really proud of you" or "You did a really good job" sense. Makes me feel like a million bucks! On the contrary, I start getting really paranoid about things if I go too long without a good compliment.

As much as I want to be all judgy when it comes to Love Languages, I just can't be.

You know, I've always been a little self conscious about my primary love language being words of affirmation, so it's also interested me that people don't seem to want to admit it if their love language is gifts. I guess I wish I was more of a quality time type of person, but as far as what I like to get it's definitely words of affirmation. As far as expressing love goes, I'm probably close to a words of affirmation and quality time 50-50 split.

I actually kind of think my love languages are all 5 of them. Maybe I'm just really needy.

I was actually wondering if you were going to submit this as a question, Katya.

In terms of receipt, I'm admittedly very much a words of affirmation person. I've had some undue stress in the past about friendships because some of my friends weren't verbal, but I've mostly gotten over that in the past few years. I don't need to be complimented—that's not what's important to me. I just need to know that I'm appreciated. I express often that one of my least favorite feelings in this life is the feeling that comes when you know you're taken for granted.

In terms of how I express love and appreciation, I think that I adapt pretty well to how I know others feel the most love. That said, I'm primarily a words of affirmation/quality time person. But I do a lot of service, too. And I buy gifts. Honestly, I can think of circumstances in the last month that I've "spoken" all five languages. However, I know that I do make a concerted effort to say nice things to people pretty regularly. I only use friendly monikers like "buddy" or "pal" when I'm talking to boys age 2-10 or when I'm talking to friends that I care about a lot. I've always been a letter writer. I feel much more comfortable telling friends that I love them than most other people that I've met, but I haven't ever had anyone accuse me of saying it dishonestly (because whenever I say it, I really mean it). But I'm also a very, very firm believer in individualized attention. Friendship doesn't blossom when you just go to the same parties as another person—it blossoms when you spend one-on-one time with them.

That all said, I rarely hesitate to buy food or other smallish things when I'm at the store if I know somebody that I care about is going to enjoy it. I never hesitate to give freely of my substance—food or buxx or anything else—if someone I love needs it. Sometimes I'll run errands or do chores for family members or roommates without them asking me to just because I want their lives to be a little easier. I consider my capacity to love to be a blessing (and a weakness, but we're not on that subject), and sometimes words and time just aren't enough to express that. I always go a little overboard at Christmas trying to think up gifts for more people than I should worry about giving gifts to, but that's just my nature. I'll be in debt until February when I finish giving out my last gifts (and finish writing my last letters).

Physical touch is the only one that isn't extremely natural for me. I like a hug as much as the next guy, but I rarely initiate them unless it's family or unless I have a friend that I know appreciates physical touch. I don't know why that is, but it is. Maybe I should make it a goal this next year to give one extra hug every day for the whole year. (Foreman and CK will probably have to get a lot of hugs if I miss giving one during the day, though, since they're the only ones up at the ungodly hours when I typically go to bed.)

But yeah, I'm a words of affirmation person, almost definitely. Sometimes it doesn't matter that I spent three nights in one week talking to a person and that they visited me at work—if they never say that they think I'm swell, sometimes I'll get bummed out. But I get over it, because I know that I've never told them that that's how I operate, so it's my own fault. I will always deflect any compliments that I ever receive, but I always appreciate them more than it probably seems like I do. (Sometimes I keep nice texts or voicemails and read/listen to them to reassure myself that my friends really appreciate me. It sounds pathetic, but that's just how I operate. I swear I'm a pretty normal guy.)

And that's basically the answer I would have written if this had been a Board question.

I've debated jumping into this thread, worried that I might embarrass bob by revealing too much, but heck, I've been so open with you folks, why stop now?

I have my disagreement with the book in reference, but discussing based on it:

I try to be flexible in both the ways I give love and the ways I recieve love to adapt to those around me. One that rarely appeals to me in either way is gift-giving. I'm a very ascetic person by nature, and most gift-giving appears to me to be ritualistic and little focused on the specific individual. I will admit there are exceptions to this, and most often they take the form of small gifts for me.

Physical touch is absolutely critical to me in both (I'm pretty sure this is largely cultural.) This goes way beyond hugs; I grab bob's thigh while driving, put my arm around her shoulders while walking anywhere, and (please don't shoot me!) always sit on the same side of the booth in restaurants and hold her while eating. Almost all the time we are together we are in some sort of physical contact. This works out well, since she expresses and receives this way almost as much as I do.



Words of affirmation do only slightly more for me than gifts. I learned long ago that words were one of the best ways to improve morale in an organization without actually incurring any cost, and this has probably led to me devaluing it. Talk is cheap, as they say. That being said, it is important to bob, and so I've learned to express it frequently. (On I side note, my father has trouble expressing love in many ways. I can only recall him telling me he loved me once, and that expression meant more to me than any time I've heard it, before or since. I think a lot of the value of expressing love or appreciation for me comes with its frequency; if it happens often it means less.)

While I'd bet it is addressed in the book, I'd guess most everyone needs some level of each. On a given day, I'd say that words of affirmation are lost on me. When praised, I'll typically A)disbelieve/disregard it, or B)acknowledge it, then get back to more important things. Neither leaves much impact on me. That being said; I can recall nearly each and every iota of thanks received when writing for the Board. The numberless hours of work that goes into such an endeavor is usually only rewarded by the personal satisfaction of completion after each response. Receiving some affirmation that the time sunk into such service is not wasted had far more impact than they may have otherwise. (A good reason, perhaps for the raving success of Board parties, as we all shared the same love of the Board and could bolster each other while socializing.) I wonder if the difference in impact was due to the inability for other modes of expression to be used, or the dearth of that particular language in the rest of my life. Either way, even after discovering your loved one's primary language, do not hesitate to offer all others as well.

Aaand that whole paragraph is worded oddly. Hope the point gets through nonetheless.

Also of note is Marduk's post; value is often shaded by frequency and application. But the type of shading is difficult to predict, as some things devalue with repetition, while others' only have their influence felt after multiple applications.

you know what would be fun to find out. have any of you done "true colors"? you're either an orange, blue, green, or gold primarily and then some combination of the rest. i'm a blue gold. a sappy kid who loves family and tradition. if you can find out your color, i'd be interested to see how that correlates to your love language.

i bet tao's a green.

Straight gold, pretty sure. My friend and I were both straight golds (she had me take it), and I think that was what our scores were. Then we had lots of fun sorting the colors into Houses.

Oh, I just took the test again from this link. 6 orange, 19 gold, 13 blue, 12 green. So yep, pretty much gold. Which is what you'd expect from me, those of you that are familiar with me. (And I think Imogen is probably right that Tao would be green.)

Now, as for love languages, the reason I haven't stepped into the conversation before now is that I just don't know what my language would be. Sometimes I think it might be physical touch, sometimes gifts, sometimes quality time, sometimes affirmation. I was trying to think what would mean the most to me if the boy I like did it for me...I don't know. And with my family...we give and receive all of those all the time! I'm not sure which is most important to me.

Probably physical touch, though, when it comes to receiving. I like feeling my dad's hand on my shoulder or when my sister comes in to hug me good night. The other languages have merit that I can see, so it shouldn't be too hard to show the right kind of love when it becomes important. (Like I said, my family does all of them all the time, so there shouldn't be any ... love lost there.)

I got 18 blue, 15 gold, 12 green, 5 orange.

17 green, 15 blue, 10 gold, 8 orange. I guess I'm a Ravenclaw.

I tend to notice my love languages more when they're missing. For example, I had a bunch of non-physical roommates once. I really felt like I was starved of affection that year. It probably sounds crazy, but I kept a mental tally of how many hugs each roommate had given me. Those hugs meant a lot to me.

(And I'm not especially outgoing, so I usually don't initiate things like that. If they're not freely given to me, I just go without.)