Humor will not be tolerated!! -Portia

So I spent a while discussing parenthood with some friends tonight, and we talked a bit about how laid-back parenting used to be (or seems to have been). Their personal experience was from the perspective of the child, not the parent, but at least some things have obviously changed (the evolution of car seats being a clear example).

Now, I think I'm a fairly typical young LDS mom. I'm paranoid about safety, I hover over my kids at the playground, I'm overprotective and overmicromanagerial and overstressed. One of my top goals* in life is to be a laid-back person. Especially when it comes to parenthood. I think it's better for me, better for my marriage, better for my kids.

So...any advice on how to accomplish that? On how to let go? I'm not talking about carseats or anything really important. I just have a really hard time not sweating the small stuff. How did parents do it "back in the day," if indeed they did? Oh how I wish vorpal was still here.

*Some of my other top non-seminary-answer goals in life include A) painting the murals for a new temple and B) being a brave eater. Any advice on accomplishing those would be welcome, as well.

Being laid back is also a personal goal of mine, although I have no kids. I tend to be extremely laid back in social situations and extremely uptight about anything that "really matters" to me. Things that really matter include fixing spelling errors, fixing grammatical errors, locking doors, having my husband well-dressed, putting away my clothes the same way every time, following recipes exactly, building stuff out of wood using the best techniques in existence, doing my graphic design work exactly perfectly right, obeying church standards to the letter, purchasing only super-high-quality items for a variety of contexts, being well-prepared for anything and everything that happens...and I could go on. I wouldn't call myself OCD or anything, but I'm definitely a perfectionist about certain things. I've found that my perfectionism/uptightness is inappropriate in many circumstances, and I basically have to just tell myself, "It's okay. It's okay. It's okay. You're fine. Don't worry about it. Let it go."

The first few times I did that, I didn't handle it very well...I basically insisted that "NO, IT'S NOT OKAY!" and my husband has suffered through some of this with me. But I've gotten better with practice. I don't think it will ever go away completely, but with practice, I've become better prepared to control it. I think the key is learning to recognize when it's appropriate to be uptight about something and when it's not. Then go from there.

Why is that so hard? Well, my husband is a terrible speller and relatively disorganized/sloppy person. If there's anything about him that I really struggle with, it's that. But we're working on it, on both sides. I'm helping him to be more organized, and he's helping me loosen up a bit. So there's another resource for you -- if this is something that affects your marriage, by all means, have your husband help you! Working together can be much more effective than working alone.

I consider myself a fairly laid back parent. And I think a big part of that, for me, is just about listening to my husband. Because my husband is typically of the "eh, they're fine" belief system. So I try to stop for a second and think about why I want what I want with my kids, and if it actually matters. Sometimes it does, so I calmly tell my husband why it is important. Sometimes I actually realize that it will be okay, and let them be.

For example, I spend a lot of energy trying to get them to eat healthy foods (probably because I am trying to monitor my own diet so closely). So the influx of Easter candy was really hard for me to handle. I hid it away and tried to dole it out one jelly bean at at time if they ate a good meal first, and then told my husband that we didn't need to put candy in the eggs we hid for them because they already had enough (one sandwich baggie half full for each kid). But my husband pointed it out that it was just a holiday - special occasion - and I needed to just let go, because they were kids. And so my kids ate more candy last weekend than I care to admit, because I realized he was right. I remember how excited I was to get candy for Christmas or Halloween or something as a kid, and the kids will have no lasting problems from enjoying a special occasion.

Other times, like when he tells me it is fine if they watch TV all day every day, I talk to him about why that isn't okay to me. Or when the kids try to climb something that makes me nervous, sometimes I insist on my point, and sometimes I step back and recognize that the kids do need to learn a sense of balance and what they can and cannot do. Often, they really suprise me in their abilities. To me it is all about analyzing the worst case scenario and how likely that is to happen.

For me it was learning when to say no. Or more important, when not to. There was a point that I found myself telling Dragon Baby "No!" all the time. Don't do this. Don't climb that. Don't put that in your mouth. And one time when she was doing something, I don't even remember what, and I went to tell her no, the thought suddenly hit me. "Why not?" And I realized that a lot of the things I was telling her not to do, I had no good reason not to let her. (That was a lot of negatives.) What is wrong with jumping on the bed? Climbing onto the table? Playing with toys the wrong way? Pulling off all the movies? Playing with her peas before eating them? Digging through my purse? At first I said no simply because that's what I was supposed to do. Songs and stories and everything tell me that jumping on the bed is wrong and kids shouldn't do it. But why not? And that's what I had to learn. I had to figure out a good reason why to say no. Am I worried about her wearing out the springs? Am I worried about her falling off the bed? When I figure out why she shouldn't do something, then I say no. And then I'm consistent with it. But until I can figure out a good reason, besides that I'm "supposed to", then I let her do it.

I've found just that simple thing has helped me chill quite a bit. I'm much more likely to just let her do whatever it is she wants to do. Some things I would rather she didn't (like pull all the DVDs off the shelf) but have no good reason to say no, so I let her. But then I encourage her to put it back and get excited when she doesn't do it or does something else. I've found that she entertains herself a lot better and she doesn't really do anything I don't want her to do anymore. Sometimes, of course (like throwing food on the floor. Which that I say no to, because it's carpet), but I find myself wanting to micro-manage everything she does a lot less.

I am not a typical LDS mom, so I'm not sure how much weight my thoughts should have here, but I do consider myself somewhat laid back. I think some of the best advice I could give is to go and re-read DL's post. When you're feeling stressed, try to figure out why it is that you are feeling that way and what more you can learn about it. A solid foundation of information is often a two edged sword when it comes to worry. You'll naturally find some things you shouldn't have worried about at all and a plethora of new ones. But the big thing is, while worries may persist, the understanding of why exactly you worry removes a lot of stress.

Seems a bit odd to be using stress and worry as significantly different terms, but in my eyes, they are. Perhaps 'care' would be a better term than worry.

The next step up in removing stress is experience. Perhaps this is the same as the information from the previous step, but personalized. I don't know. Suffice it to say that a properly prepared and informed individual who has passed through the fire tends to turn out well-tempered.

Consider as an example exposed wiring. Some will stress at such a sight, worrying about the unknown. Someone who has studied electricity will know that such poses no threat until a circuit is created, and may still worry, but with less stress. An electrician would walk up to it, check to see if it's live, and take actions to help alleviate the worry of the student looking over his shoulder and the panicked person on the ceiling. (I knew one master electrician who would test wires with their bare hands, not something I would recommend, but it effectively shows the lack of worry that comes with years of experience).