Humor will not be tolerated!! -Portia

When President Monson made the missionary age change announcement, I spent a lot of time trying to figure out what I should do, and I felt strongly that serving a mission now would be a good thing for me. But I have dealt with depression ever since I was about 12, and I have what the doctors labelled as a suicide attempt on my record. (I don't think I was actually trying to kill myself, but given that I took an entire bottle of a narcotic painkiller, the doctors were not convinced.) Today I am fairly stable (thanks to birth control, oddly enough) but have occasional cravings for pain or self-harm. My mission papers have been in Salt Lake for 4 weeks now; it's been two weeks since the results of a psychological evaluation got sent to Salt Lake; and I'm starting to get worried. Does anyone know how a similar situation worked out? Does it seem likely that I'll be allowed to serve a mission at all? I guess I should introduce myself a bit, too. I'm a freshman at BYU and will probably end up double majoring in math and math ed with a minor in editing (hence the pseudonym). I've been reading the board for years and the board board this past semester.

Hello Integrating Editor! It's good to have you on the forum If it makes you feel any better, I have been dealing with depression for a while too. I haven't ever experienced feeling the need to self-harm, so I can't say that I understand the types of feelings you are struggling with. While reading your post, I was very impressed by your desire and determination to serve despite your struggles. No matter what happens, the Lord knows your desire to serve Him, and that your heart is in the right place. The Lord loves you.

Also, I know that the Apostles in charge of Mission calls pray for inspiration and guidance from the Holy Ghost as they assign calls. The Prophet has to approve of every call before it is sent out. Since you felt the prompting to go on a mission, and you have done all that you can to prepare, whatever happens will be His will.

I wouldn't get worried about how long it's taking to hear back. I'm sure considering the amount of people putting in their papers right now that it'll take some time. I'm sure I know less than you on how likely it is you'll get called to a full-time mission.

I know the Lord will allow you to serve in the capacity suited to your needs, whether it's halfway across the world or in your current ward. No matter what happens, you should give your whole heart in service to Him, and not get down on yourself if it's not done in the typical fashion. I know several missionaries that never dealt with depression before they left who started experiencing it on their missions. Some of them had to return home because of it, but I don't think any less of them. Neither should you think any less of yourself should you not get the chance to serve as a full-time missionary.

This isn't quite what you were asking for, but as someone who never felt like going on a mission was a good idea and then found out that that feeling was way more right than I ever wanted it to be, please be careful in whatever capacity you do serve. Missionary work is tough (so I hear) and I know how easy it can be to find yourself in a place where self-harm seems like a "good" idea.

Wow, Integrating Editor, you sound like a younger version of myself, except for replace "editing" with "music" except for I didn't start experiencing depression/anxiety until I was on my mission (that is why I came home early, in fact). I know the situation is different for every person. My trainer had depression, but had it under control before she came out and she was a great missionary. However, missionary work is really hard. Feel free to PM me if you ever want to chat.

So... I've linked to this a couple times on the Board, but I think both of you would appreciate it if you haven't seen it already. It's a paper from the Religious Education Student Symposium from several years ago, and I've found it helpful coming to terms with my own experiences.

I dealt with depression in one form or another for more than half of my mission. If either of you wants to talk to me about that, or about the paper I linked to, or anything else, I'd be more than happy as well.

I'm not and never have been LDS, and therefore have no particular knowledge about how decisions might be made about that. But you're definitely in good company 'round here with the anxiety and depression stuff. People with mental health problems are awesome!

Squirrel, since my mission papers may not end up in front of an apostle at all, that's kind of a moot point in my case (not that the decision won't be the Lord's will, but this particular decision is made by doctors and psychologists).

I'm starting to wonder if I was prompted to turn in my papers so I could learn through the agonizing process of being evaluated for my psychological stability and then being told I'm not in good enough shape to serve after all. What exactly the lesson might be, I don't know yet, but if that's the way things work out, I'm sure the Lord will let me know in time. I would love to serve a mission, and I've been told that I have a gift when it comes to teaching, particularly about the Atonement, so it makes sense that I should go, but I've started to give up on it. Perhaps I still have a chance, but I don't know anyone who's been turned down, and I have no idea whether being reasonably stable now is adequate or if the suicide attempt plus hallucinations and potentially psychotic episodes in my past will eliminate me as a candidate despite being okay now. Thanks for the support, all of you. I've been craving that, since most of the people who know have been less than helpful. I mean really, telling me that suicide is a sin equal to murder is supposed to help? And is openly questioning why someone like me would even want to serve a mission a natural response? It is nice to hear that even if I'm not really up to serving a mission, that's still perfectly okay.

Integrating Editor wrote: I mean really, telling me that suicide is a sin equal to murder is supposed to help? And is openly questioning why someone like me would even want to serve a mission a natural response? It is nice to hear that even if I'm not really up to serving a mission, that's still perfectly okay.

Oh my gosh, people make me so angry sometimes. I think the Church's official statement, that only the Lord is qualified to judge the state of mind and intent of the heart of people in that position, should be required reading for EVERYONE at least once a year. Seriously. Just. Seriously. Few things at Church make me want to punch people, but the attitude of some people about mental health is one of those things.

Integrating Editor wrote: I mean really, telling me that suicide is a sin equal to murder is supposed to help?

People are idiots all the world 'round. Just... gah. No words.

One of my good friends is a guy that can't go on a mission because of stuff like this. He's had a hard time with people judging him for not going on a mission, and I think it's ridiculous. Just because someone can't go doesn't make them inherently unworthy.

Integrating Editor wrote:I mean really, telling me that suicide is a sin equal to murder is supposed to help?

Oh, for crying out loud. Let's leech them next time they have a fever and see how they like being treated like it's the Dark Ages.

People are too quick to judge. Sadly, I had to experience my own trials as a missionary before vowing to never judge people again.

I didn't have any anxiety or depression-related issues before my mission, but I had a very long list of past medications and medical history that the doctors with the Mission Department pored over and studied for about a month before they approved my name to receive a call. I imagine a panel of M.D.'s and certified psychologists are looking over your application to see if there are any red flags that they need to contact you, your family, your bishop, or your physician about before they give any approval. You can contact the Mission Department directly to see if they need any questions answered, but I'd recommend that you hold tight. They just take medical and emotional histories seriously and want to make sure that everything has been resolved.

If you end up at all like me, you'll get a call from someone at the Mission Department in the next few weeks and he'll want to ask you a few questions to get a good feel for where you're at right now in reference to your past history. I would be surprised if they "pulled the plug" before you received your call; they put a lot of stock in bishops and stake presidents stopping the application process if they feel impressed to do so. Just understand that missions are hard, and past problems have a tricky way of resurfacing sometimes under some of the stress and things that you'll face. For some, it's a refiner's fire. For some, it's a really tough ticket home to resolve things without the stress associated with missionary work.

I think you'll do great. You seem to have a good handle on what you've gone through in the past and you own it. You seem self-aware enough to know that if you started experiencing emotional trauma in the field that you'd contact your leaders or your mission psychologist soon enough to get it under control. Don't fret just because the Church is leaving no stone unturned in an effort to make your experience in the field as positive as possible.

Keep up the patience!

I am... well acquainted with somebody on the medical review board. If you want, I could ask him.

I would love to have something more definite to go off of, so if you would, Craig, I'd really appreciate it.

*hug*

Integrating Editor wrote:I would love to have something more definite to go off of, so if you would, Craig, I'd really appreciate it.

I'll talk to him. Also, apparently mission calls are mega backlogged right now. That could be it too.

Update: 5 weeks since the psychological evaluation results went to the Mission Department, 7 weeks since my papers were submitted to Salt Lake, 8 weeks since the stake got them, 9 weeks since they were ready for the bishop to submit, and my availability date is now only about 8 weeks away. My bishop, stake president, and I have heard nothing at all from the Mission Department for five weeks. Further, my papers are still "in process," so even if they decide this week to give me a mission call, it will be a week and a half more at minimum before it arrives.