Humor will not be tolerated!! -Portia

This is just a rant.

I've been to three whole sessions with this guy and I'm going to keep going. This has only happened like once for me so that's good.

But last session he tells me I don't feel my feelings. Apparently he believes I over-intellectualize. He tells me to sit in my feelings and breathe and know that I will survive. So I keep trying but by the time I realize I'm having a feeling and I attempt to start breathing, the feeling has escaped already. Yesterday I had to interview a little girl who started reporting that she had been sexually abused by her father. She went into pretty graphic detail with me. In the hours that followed, I would intermittently feel sad for a second, but by the time I attempted to allow myself to process it, it was gone. So I spent HOURS trying to feel ANYTHING about this at all, which I'm sure I do, and I just couldn't. And then I realized that I was trying to feel something about a horrifying life event and that just seems really... dumb. I know I should feel something, and I know I probably do feel something, and I know that sometime down the line I will probably pay for not feeling something now, but I don't feel anything and trying to feel anything seems like shoving a sugar pill down my own throat.

It's not that my current strategies are working because they aren't. And I trust this therapist, and he's probably right. But therapy is hard and dumb and lame.

Seconded! I was just telling my aunt today about the session I yelled at my therapist, because the session before he'd stressed me out asking all of these questions and I'd had to go home and have some serious conversations... I mean, it was ultimately good that I'd had those conversations, but in the time leading up to them I was more shaken than I can ever remember being. With just some questions he'd made me doubt one of the best things I had in my life, and I was not happy about it.

Booooo, feelings. Feelings suck sometimes.

I think my near-screaming at the poor ladies who man the CCC desk ("yes of COURSE it's an emergency, why would I BE here!?") is more therapeutic than any session could be. I don't think talk therapy actually works well for anxious, neurotic people. #heresy At least not this one.

I just have to say, I hated having feelings. And I hated being told I wasn't letting myself feel feelings. But...after therapy...I'm actually doing a lot better than I was a few months ago.

Haha, if I could find a drug that would reliably knock the 24-hour oversaturated feeling wheel that I can't get off ... I might do that drug, is all I'm saying.

The first time I went I ended up with a massive headache...which didn't surprise me, considering my link between headaches and depression.

Portia wrote:Haha, if I could find a drug that would reliably knock the 24-hour oversaturated feeling wheel that I can't get off ... I might do that drug, is all I'm saying.

I've heard coke is good for that, but I would never try it because stimulants scare me.

Imogen wrote:

Portia wrote:Haha, if I could find a drug that would reliably knock the 24-hour oversaturated feeling wheel that I can't get off ... I might do that drug, is all I'm saying.

I've heard coke is good for that, but I would never try it because stimulants scare me.

I read a couple books in a rather well-known series where the guy is addicted to all sorts of drugs. (The first books are about his abuse at the hands of his father, the later ones about his alcoholism and failed marriages.) It was British, and came out over the last fifteen years or so. I can't remember it for the life of me or find it in my Kindle books. I first read about it in The New Yorker.

Anyway, that book scared me off drugs far more than any church sermon ever has.

Found it in my Goodreads! The Patrick Melrose Novels.

Portia wrote:

Imogen wrote:

Portia wrote:Haha, if I could find a drug that would reliably knock the 24-hour oversaturated feeling wheel that I can't get off ... I might do that drug, is all I'm saying.

I've heard coke is good for that, but I would never try it because stimulants scare me.

I read a couple books in a rather well-known series where the guy is addicted to all sorts of drugs. (The first books are about his abuse at the hands of his father, the later ones about his alcoholism and failed marriages.) It was British, and came out over the last fifteen years or so. I can't remember it for the life of me or find it in my Kindle books. I first read about it in The New Yorker.

Anyway, that book scared me off drugs far more than any church sermon ever has.

Sweet Valley High scared me off drugs. One girl tried coke and SHE HAD A HEART ATTACK AND DIED. No thank you.

But I agree, Black Sheep. Therapy is dumb. But I'm glad my therapist told me I don't have to make any decisions about moving or cleaning or grad school until after my mom's court date. Gracias, therapist!

Hugs to your face, TBS. That is all.

Aaaaaand I just agreed to going to couples counseling with my boyfriend's therapist. I'm either a glutton for punishment or I'm actually going to get healthy this time.

Anyway, thanks for the feedback/support/commiseration, bob, Emiliana, Tally M., Imogen, and US.

(And all I'm saying is that, for every drug addict I've ever known, that's EXACTLY why they did drugs. All sorts of drugs are good for that!)

Note: I am not dating my boyfriend's therapist. Just my boyfriend. The couples therapy will just be with his therapist as opposed to mine or a different therapist altogether.

Wait, your boyfriend is dating his therapist?

This sordid love triangle is EXACTLY why we are in therapy.

Curse you, English language.

Soooooo today I started Prozac, which is actually a big step for me. And I started therapy again on Friday. I'm starting to feel like one of the women I work with ("I'm getting healthy this time, I swear!").

I hear that the first two weeks on antidepressants can be hard, so good luck! I'm here to listen if you need it.

Yay therapy! Yay antidepressants! (Even though they both suck when you start.)

I quickly added buspirone for anxiety and SSRI side effects. And I never thought I'd say this, but I think the meds are helping. And this therapist is brutal but she's the best. So, you know.