Therapy is dumb.

[Whistler]

the exercise makes sense logically to me, like, relaxing a specific body part could help you let go of some of your hate for that part? Maybe with a different script it could help? But if it's making you more anxious, it's not working, so forget that trash.

[Portia]

I wanted to share something and this feels like the right place to do it. I've dealt with negative body image for years. In the past couple years I finally started trying to spend some time trying to adjust the mentality and not just my body. I'd gotten so much better. I've been working out and eating healthily because I care about my body being strong and active for years to come, not because I hate how I look. I've learned to dress myself in a way I like. I've learned to not let my dad talk to me about looks basically ever. But I really wasn't curing the negative image, I was just learning how to live with it.

Between a boyfriend who said he didn't consider me super-attractive but was still attracted to me (yes, it sounds terrible, but it was this crazy revelation that I could still be something physically desirable even though I don't rate high on a looks scale. If he'd told me I was attractive, I'd have thought he was lying.) and my new therapist who lets me just talk about whatever I want, I was starting to realize that the negative image ran deeper than I ever thought. So recently my therapist gave me a book to work through on improving things. The first bit was nice. Lots of little quizzes about what I like and don't like. I was saddened to see just how much I hate about myself and how deeply it runs. But I was also happy to see that there were more things than I thought that were neutral or somewhat positive. I'd sort of thought I was all neutral-to-negative.

The latest chapter has been a huge problem though. I use biofeedback for stress. Have done so for years. Visualizations are by far the best option for me. This chapter of the book uses an autogenics text to try to create a relaxed state. So I used one of my autogenics tracks instead of my visualization for a week or two. Autogenics has you focus on each part of the body one by one and relax it. It's always been really hard for me; it just tenses me more. But the book used autogenics. The chapter before had me recording every "body image episode" in a journal. Now I was supposed to focus on body parts to relax them while having essentially a panic attack over how much I hate myself. It didn't work. I've been severely messed up for three weeks now. I'm constantly thinking about why I'm ugly.

So my therapist told me to take a week off. Yesterday I was telling a friend about this and it hit me: "no wonder it's not working!" Let me ask if this makes any sense to you. To solve my self-hate over my body, they recommend I put all my focus on each body part one by one, no matter my opinion about that body part. Because that's totally going to help. You hate this thing - think about it and relax it!

Yeah... so, when I see her Tuesday I'm going to create an alternate plan to get through this step. Because that is stupid.

When I was in high school/college I took yoga through my dance studio. We did a meditation where you picture yourself being in a relaxing place you love (say, the red sandstone of Southern Utah) and you relax each body part. You don't have to "judge" it or anything, just relax it. I don't really think about my body or body parts as an outside observer would, I guess: I think being "comfortable in your own skin" is helped by being inside yourself. I would recommend this relaxation exercise as it's not focused on body image per se but being embodied.

I don't think a term like "ugly" has any objective truth to it; it's all subjective (in this case self-) judgment. I imagine that whatever body part you currently dislike serves a function. Would functional thinking help you? (cf my response on Barbara Streisand's nose, if that's posted).

I'm a fan of fake it til you make it. If you hate it, pretend you love it, then I bet your thinking will reflect that.

And if none of this helps, ignore it. B-)

[SmurfBlueSnuggie]

Thanks guys.

Portia: functional thinking is a coping mechanism for me. It doesn't make me like myself much better, but it makes me forgive myself for not being pretty enough. The thought becomes "I'll never be beautiful, but at least I'm strong." Not the best, but a vast improvement over the alternative. The goal now is to be able to look at myself as a whole and be satisfied. Self-love for my body will come later. It doesn't help that some of the things I hate the most are not functional and actually hurt me. My therapist always asks why I need to weigh less, and it's actually because I have a screw in my foot that cannot cope with the amount of pressure I put on it right now. So I either need to give up activities I love or I need to lose weight. This means the dissatisfaction won't leave, but I can use the positive motivation of "I'm becoming a more able dancer" when I work out.

Also, visualizations of that sort are the best. I visualize myself as being just me and not my body, if that makes any sense. And it's wonderful. I'm planning on asking how to incorporate that as a substitute for autogenics tomorrow.

Whistler: the logic is totally there. That's why I tried it, even though I'd had minimal success with the technique previously. Apparently I'm an exception. Woo hoo!

[Emiliana]

Between a boyfriend who said he didn't consider me super-attractive but was still attracted to me (yes, it sounds terrible, but it was this crazy revelation that I could still be something physically desirable even though I don't rate high on a looks scale. If he'd told me I was attractive, I'd have thought he was lying.)....

I think this is really key. Attractiveness is extremely subjective, so even if you don't fit the societal conception of "beautiful," there will be plenty of people out there who find you attractive. (Hopefully you can be one of the people who find you attractive, too!)

[SmurfBlueSnuggie]

Thanks Emiliana. I was really lucky to have him in my life and still have him as a friend. It's a great reminder.

[Portia]

So last week after reading that d@mn book (The Bell Jar) I decided I should go back to my therapist. I always feel like I'm in an audition, which I guess is a frequent feeling for me, but I eventually said, "I don't want kids. I just don't. And I don't think I should have to have a reason." And he's all super unperturbed, and when I'm like, begging him to say something, basically, I'm like, "so do I bring this up in a relationship, or what?"

All sorts of sensible advice about how to go about it, yadeya, but then nothing really got resolved. I guess to me, if something is a dealbreaker, wouldn't you break up with the person you're with? If you value something more than the person you're dating, then that calculus seems pretty rational. I guess we'll see what happens, but about every three days I'm just completely overwhelmed with it all and I don't want to see anyone ever again.

It's annoying too because as to the other things, some of the crazier behavior or emotional seesaw, I feel quite a bit better. Like maybe I've just grown up in the past year. But I feel like the future is menacing and terrifying and there are so many things I will still have to overcome to get where I want to be. </rant>

[Whistler]

does your desire to not have children have anything to do with all those post-partum depression articles you've been sharing on FB?

[Portia]

does your desire to not have children have anything to do with all those post-partum depression articles you've been sharing on FB?

I wouldn't say that that's unrelated (another contingency to keep in mind), but my lack of real desire antedates any such findings. I never have been drawn to young children and had it drilled into my head to pursue other things first/instead.

Unlike some in the doesn't-want-kids-now-maybe-ever camp, I don't think everyone who has them is an idiot. (But I'm about as likely to want to hold a baby as I am a cat. Good thing I spend little time around either?)

[Portia]

Therapy also costs up to $175 per session near me and they don't take my (very normal, work-sponsored) insurance.

And you people wonder why I drink. :-P /s

[TheBlackSheep]

I 100% guarantee that I can find you a quality therapist near your house who both charges far less than $175 AND takes your insurance, if you are interested.

[Portia]

I 100% guarantee that I can find you a quality therapist near your house who both charges far less than $175 AND takes your insurance, if you are interested.

Thanks for the offer. Called my insurance company, to see what they could set me up with, but with my high-deductible plan, I'd be slapped with way more charges than I can in good conscience afford right now.

I already got myself in Kyle's situation in this article about these plans.

... Single-payer, anyone? Anyway, grumble grumble, but that's the way it's played out, unfortunately.

[Portia]

Got a call from the people, called them back, said I wasn't interested.

Thought I had talked to a psychological office in Cottonwood Heights (incidentally, my hometown). Turned out I got a call from an eating disorder center.

In Orem.

What-??!

[TheBlackSheep]

Ugh. I hate therapist roulette, you guys.

By all accounts, I'm doing fine. Work is going better, and I'm finally making a wise choice about who I am dating. (It is such a pleasant feeling to have four people text you, unsolicited, to say that you are dating someone quality after a weekend out and about.) However, the last year of my life was really traumatic and I haven't really dealt with it all yet. Also, my girlfriend is now definitely moving to New Jersey in July, so there's the impending breakup to deal with, as well as everything it symbolizes. I've also officially decided to not stay in education forever, which means I have life decisions to make. All of this adds up to retrying therapy, in a town where I know way fewer therapists.

I've tried three since I moved 6.5 months ago. One was pretty good but she was a MFT intern, and they don't take insurance, which I now have. The other two have not blown my socks off by any means. I want to just give up but my girlfriend keeps making good points about why I need to be trying this. If I cancel on Monday, nobody tell her.

Except I will tell her.

[Portia]

Ugh. I hate therapist roulette, you guys.

By all accounts, I'm doing fine. Work is going better, and I'm finally making a wise choice about who I am dating. (It is such a pleasant feeling to have four people text you, unsolicited, to say that you are dating someone quality after a weekend out and about.) However, the last year of my life was really traumatic and I haven't really dealt with it all yet. Also, my girlfriend is now definitely moving to New Jersey in July, so there's the impending breakup to deal with, as well as everything it symbolizes. I've also officially decided to not stay in education forever, which means I have life decisions to make. All of this adds up to retrying therapy, in a town where I know way fewer therapists.

I've tried three since I moved 6.5 months ago. One was pretty good but she was a MFT intern, and they don't take insurance, which I now have. The other two have not blown my socks off by any means. I want to just give up but my girlfriend keeps making good points about why I need to be trying this. If I cancel on Monday, nobody tell her.

Except I will tell her.

That sounds like a lot to deal with. I'm sorry your awesome girlfriend is moving, boo.

I'm in a similar place, where a lot went down the past few months and I certainly haven't dealt with it. I might just try Dream Ghosts.

[TheBlackSheep]

So something a few weeks ago triggered the ever loving nonsense out of me related to the abusive relationship I got out of a year ago. I haven't been able to shake it, and I always feel like I am about to have a big fat panic attack, even though I've never had a hyperventilating, typical panic attack. My chest hurts most of the time, and I am nauseated and panicky. (I'm positive the chest pain is psychosomatic. And if it were a heart attack I'd be long dead by now.) I have nightmares and always feel like I'm about to lose the control I do have. I've been hanging on because I started a job with the state on 8/1/16 and was technically eligible for medical benefits that day. They want me to go through one specific agency for mental health stuff, though, and they absolutely would not schedule me without a member ID. I was able to get ahold of that today, but with their very limited availability and my training schedule I couldn't get in until the 20th (therapy) and the 23rd (psychiatrist). I would do bad things to get a good therapist, a med eval, and some benzos.

[Cognoscente]

American health care is a joke sometimes.

[Portia]

After seeing Tally M.'s recommendation and the realization that it would be money well-spent, I signed up for Talkspace and I LOVE IT.

I feel like I really lucked out finding someone who is a Utah native (checks out, she has the bangs) but is non-LDS and has a neutral viewpoint towards it, while having a deep understanding of the cultural pressures.

It also works a lot better with my lifestyle and personality, LOL.

I think I will actually stay in therapy this time. When she said that I'm an adult who can do what I want it was a little bit of a "..." moment. So I recommend it -- and yes, if you're LDS and want to stay that way, it seems like they have a niche for everyone.

[Emiliana]

After seeing Tally M.'s recommendation and the realization that it would be money well-spent, I signed up for Talkspace and I LOVE IT.

I feel like I really lucked out finding someone who is a Utah native (checks out, she has the bangs) but is non-LDS and has a neutral viewpoint towards it, while having a deep understanding of the cultural pressures.

It also works a lot better with my lifestyle and personality, LOL.

I think I will actually stay in therapy this time. When she said that I'm an adult who can do what I want it was a little bit of a "..." moment. So I recommend it -- and yes, if you're LDS and want to stay that way, it seems like they have a niche for everyone.

Hoom. I might have to check this out. I've had vague intentions of therapy for a few years now, but never really followed through after one appointment with a really crappy therapist.

[Portia]

Emiliana, go for it! You can ask questions before committing and be as detailed as you like in your requests. Also it's so nice not to have to travel or deal with huge hourly fees.

[TheBlackSheep]

Things have been really really really really bad for weeks and weeks inside of my head. I finally have a psychiatrist appointment this week as well as an appointment with a possible therapist, but I probably won't stick with that therapist. Therapist shopping is the absolute worst.

However, pot and nicotine? They will pull me through this depression/PTSD/anxiety episode in spite of myself. At least until Wednesday.