stressed-out agnostic

[Portia]

faith crisis

Oh, fun times. I don't think BYU's counselors are going to turn you in, Stasi-style, but I've found that they can have a hard time wrapping their heads around the implications of a loss of faith. (Makes sense, as they have to be believers themselves to stay employed long-term at BYU.)

It may be a lot harder to keep your grades up, and stay healthy, if you feel you have to be "in the closet." I felt like at least making a good-faith effort to attend services and keep the Honor Code was the only way I was able to justify my decision to re-enroll. Cutting out your social network is a pretty good way to launch yourself into a major depressive episode.

Transferring was near-impossible for me, as well. I would personally advise against telling people. It only makes them freak out and make your feel more guilty. Don't tell your bishop you outright don't believe. I had good results with "I am not sure but I am willing to try." I felt that was honest, but put a more positive spin than "nope, God is dead, bishop!"

I was actually much better at keeping the Honor Code and participating in my classes when I was almost certain there was no God than when I was trying to believe. I think I was able to see the good in the Church more, and focus on the positive. But I don't know, I just didn't have a great experience with the disaffected Mormon community. A lot of them had a lot of anger and unresolved issues unrelated to the Church, and whether it was a sham or not, my friends that were either all in or all out seemed to be more mentally healthy.

I feel like this dilemma is becoming more and more common, especially among some of the highest-achieving BYU students. I wonder if the administration is aware, and what they intend to do about it. ("Raise the bar?") If anyone remembers the Student Review article about how those who lose their belief should be able to "come out" and stay enrolled, he's one of my best friends here in the Midwest. He's pretty much completely severed himself from the Church at this point. I'm really torn on this issue: I think BYU primarily serves the faithful, and what he wanted was unlikely to happen, but at the same time, I feel like he's a good person, a productive member of society, and really using his education well, better than many true believers.

Oh, and my childhood best friend graduated from BYU the same time as me, and just "came out" to his mother about his leaving the Church, and it went very badly. He's also very intelligent, although not as work-focused as my other friend. I think he's a lot less black-and-white than my engineering friend (unsurprisingly, given that he was in Humanities), and got through his mission by thinking of the Church in terms of "narrative," in his words.

I feel like a part of me wants to say "it gets better" (it really does!) but a part of me wants to say it gets way, way, way worse before it gets better. If you can "turn it off" as the song says, I think that's ultimately the best way to survive. We all prioritize what we think about, and by simply not caring about the truthiness of the Church or not, and surrounding myself by true believers, I did better.

But I am better at mental gymnastics than just about anyone I know. I think it's a coping mechanism I adopted somewhere over the years.

[NerdGirl]

One of the counselors I had at the BYU Counseling Center wasn't LDS (I saw her for about 18 months, and she was the counselor I finally ended up clicking with after seeing at least 3 others). Some of my issues involved religion (it wasn't a faith crisis, though, it was different stuff), and I actually ended up getting put with her specifically because she wasn't LDS. She was a grad student and probably not there anymore (this was almost a decade ago), but it might be worth seeing if the BYU Counseling Center has any non-LDS counselors right now.

[Portia]

I'm not a frequent scripture-reader, but I certainly felt that I could relate to Alma 4:8-12, 15:

8 For they saw and beheld with great sorrow that the people of the church began to be lifted up in the pride of their eyes, and to set their hearts upon riches and upon the vain things of the world, that they began to be scornful, one towards another, and they began to persecute those that did not believe according to their own will and pleasure.

9 And thus, in this eighth year of the reign of the judges, there began to be great contentions among the people of the church; yea, there were envyings, and strife, and malice, and persecutions, and pride, even to exceed the pride of those who did not belong to the church of God.

10 And thus ended the eighth year of the reign of the judges; and the wickedness of the church was a great stumbling-block to those who did not belong to the church; and thus the church began to fail in its progress.

11 And it came to pass in the commencement of the ninth year, Alma saw the wickedness of the church, and he saw also that the example of the church began to lead those who were unbelievers on from one piece of iniquity to another, thus bringing on the destruction of the people.

12 Yea, he saw great inequality among the people, some lifting themselves up with their pride, despising others, turning their backs upon the needy and the naked and those who were hungry, and those who were athirst, and those who were sick and afflicted.

15 And now it came to pass that Alma, having seen the afflictions of the humble followers of God, and the persecutions which were heaped upon them by the remainder of his people, and seeing all their inequality, began to be very sorrowful; nevertheless the Spirit of the Lord did not fail him.

So, if someone still believes in God, but is uncomfortable with the current state of Church culture, I think you can take heart that this isn't unprecedented or insoluble.

[Violet]

One of my good friends has a counselor right now that openly identifies as "heterodox" which in Mormon speak is pretty agnostic. And most of my counselor experiences have been pretty alright in most senses (except one, but I think her style did not mesh well with mine).

But I just want to hug this person. I've been there. I'd just gotten into my program and suddenly everything felt wrong. I'd known I thought differently than a lot of people, but suddenly I felt alone and questioned everything. Everything Portia said is true. It gets worse before it gets better, but it does get better--so much better. Just make sure you have a good social network who gets where you are. Not all non-believers automatically qualify. The people who you can connect with are out there. Join a politically liberal group on campus and you'll probably find some (not to say liberals are bad Mormons, just that you'll find the people who've had to justify their beliefs and have to be open to critical thought to go against the norm).

And Portia, to comment on "turn it off," the first time I listened to the song, I was about where stressed-out agnostic is and just started bawling.

[Katya]

. . . not to say liberals are bad Mormons . . .

How dare you suggest I'm not a bad Mormon!

[Yellow]

I... I apologize for this.

bad_mormon.png (132.79 KiB) Viewed 3934 times

[Portia]

I... I apologize for this.

bad_mormon.png

<guffaw>

<what>

<oh wow>

[Portia]

I mean, I knew that, since she contradicted a Sunday School teacher that those who aren't "born in the covenant" might go to the Celestial Kingdom. (How dare you, good madam?) Not to mention her ten units of feminism.

But I never spoke of it before.

[Dragon Lady]

Hah! The levels of this crack me up. Love it.

[Katya]

I... I apologize for this.

You apologize for making the best thing ever? For shame!