Emiliana wrote:The shower is hosted by someone outside the family and it is therefore acceptable for THAT person to disseminate information about the registries. Kind of round about and ridiculous, but that's the acceptable way to do things 'round here.
Portia wrote:I refuse to have a shower. After Google searching a bit, it looks like they're no longer mandatory. Which is a relief, since my grandma is a frugal introvert, my closest female friend lives in California and is broke with two kids, and the thought of my dad's wife getting involved ... @_@
I almost always throw my own parties. I know what I want, and I love planning parties, so I don't go in for any of that someone-else-is-the-hostess crap. I got a teensy bit of a "that simply isn't done" vibe when I threw my own baby shower, but if there's one thing I believe wholeheartedly, it's that ceding control of a party to anyone other than yourself is a chump move that results in cucumber sandwiches and stupid party games. Don't be overly formal for the sake of tradition. Offend who you're going to offend and have the wedding/shower/party you want to have.
Okay I have an opinion question for all you people, since apparently everyone but me has opinions on this and I don't want to do something rude.
In discussing hypothetical wedding plans with my boyfriend, it's come up that because of immigration, I need to get married in the States and not go back to Canada until some paperwork is done, which will take at least a couple months. So a reception in Canada where most of my friends & family live is not an option. Typically, other couples who have done this have had an "open house" a month or so before the wedding where people bring gifts, etc. Basically like a bridal shower except open to both genders and the fiancé is there as well. This is reasonably established tradition in my social circle so I'm not worried about that part.
What I am worried about is we'll probably fly up, or even if we drive up we'll just have a tiny car. So getting a bunch of presents that are large or bulky would kind of be physically impossible. Gift cards would be ideal, or gifts that don't take up a lot of space. Is there a way to request this politely? I actually prefer gifts over gift cards, I just can't transport them.
Zedability wrote:What I am worried about is we'll probably fly up, or even if we drive up we'll just have a tiny car. So getting a bunch of presents that are large or bulky would kind of be physically impossible. Gift cards would be ideal, or gifts that don't take up a lot of space. Is there a way to request this politely? I actually prefer gifts over gift cards, I just can't transport them.
I had a friend who got married in Utah but was going to be living on the East Coast with her husband after they got married (actually, I think they met over there) and they just put "[Bride] and [Grooom] will be starting their married life in Connecticut" or something like that. I'm pretty sure the actual wording was slightly more eloquent, but it at least prompted me to get a gift card so they wouldn't have to lug my present across the United States. Maybe you could do something like that?
"The pursuit of mathematics is a divine madness of the human spirit." ~ Alfred North Whitehead
As long as people know what's going on, they're generally pretty good about giving portable gifts (in my experience, anyway). At the South Dakota open house, most of the gifts my wife and I received were in the form of cash, checks, or gift cards. Most of the physical gifts were relatively small and easy to haul on a 1000-mile trip back to Utah.
I don't think anyone would mind if you just let them know you have major space constraints. They want to get you something because they like you, not so they can make your life more difficult.
NovemberEast wrote:Although I would say that certain regions take more stock in propriety. As far as geography goes, it would make more sense that the further west in the states you go, the less things like that would matter. After all, I can't imagine the frontiersmen who traveled west thinking that having his kids go to a cotillion ball was really a necessity in the western front.
It's wise to be aware of cultural differences which may cause offense, but it's pretty damn insulting to ascribe those differences to westerners being uncouth hicks who don't care about "propriety." I could just as easily say that westerners are raised to value hard work, so they put a higher priority on being efficient and not wasting other people's time, while southerners have nothing better to do than choosing to be offended by assuming the worst motivations of people. If your vaunted southern propriety hasn't taught you something as basic as treating people who are different from you with respect, it's not worth much.
It's wise to be aware of cultural differences which may cause offense, but it's pretty damn insulting to ascribe those differences to westerners being uncouth hicks who don't care about "propriety." I could just as easily say that westerners are raised to value hard work, so they put a higher priority on being efficient and not wasting other people's time, while southerners have nothing better to do than choosing to be offended by assuming the worst motivations of people. If your vaunted southern propriety hasn't taught you something as basic as treating people who are different from you with respect, it's not worth much.
hmm...that's kind of exactly how I meant it. the tradition of the west (being the "frontiersman")doesn't allow for time to care about those kinds of things. but I guess they have time to become just as offended.
The layout of this page is lacking, but I found the insights into 18th and 19th century English wedding customs to be fascinating. Oh how the pendulum of fashion swings! The elaborate codified expensive wedding would be seen as rather de trop 200 years ago. ;-)
That works too! Some of the best gifts I got were off registry. Some of the worst gifts were too...but 99% were heartfelt items such as quilts in our wedding colors, homemade cutting boards, cookbooks from our hometown favorites, etc. A bonus is that those items are way easier to write thank-you notes for without feeling stale.
Begin Unsolicited Advice:
You might still want to let your family & wedding party know of any stores that you prefer. That way, when they get asked where you're registered they can say no but that you guys really like such and such stores. This is helpful if there are any retailers you detest because of business practices (or if you just hate how the store smells...idk) you can avoid getting too many gifts cards from there.
I've been thinking a lot about the role of consumerism in domesticity and relationships. Why must we legitimize our relationship by the buying of things? I feel that just as women started to make real gains in the world of ideas, politics, education, they were pulled back into the Domestic Sphere by a thankless, needless obsessive religion growing out of shiny appliances and complex recipes. Women do about 10 hours more housework when they get married -- before they have kids! More stuff means less time to write, to read, to do things besides, "manage the stuff."
Not to go all Mary Wollstonecraft, here—it's just table linens—but I have struggled more than I expected with how other people have reacted to all of this, not least my significant other. It seems dramatic to simplify the issue to, "a bread mixer would ruin my life ZOMG," but it WOULD be a complete change from how I conduct my life now, and my overarching life goals.
It may be a rational decision for a couple 5, 7, 9 years our junior to build a home on the donations of their relations. As it is, we have a blender and a bedroom set and dishes and hundreds if not thousands of books: really, do we need more stuff? Will a dining table from Crate & Barrel make our relationship better or more fulfilling or more lasting than one sourced from KSL?
As it is, I have no "wedding party," in either sense of the word, and my family is supremely indifferent. We're deeply individualist folks, which is great for decreasing The Pressure, but certainly means that I'm rather at sea as to what this all means.
I do most of the shopping in my family (you know, the little one with me and my husband and baby). I guess it's because I have time for it? Actually, my husband enjoys grocery shopping so I often get him to do it.
But I think there is a connection, at least superficially, between traditional feminine tasks and shopping. Basketweaving and farming and clothes-beading are women's tasks in many ancient cultures, so the modern equivalent is probably shopping. I'm curious--how would a bread mixer change your life? With the expectation of baking?
I've been thinking a lot about the role of consumerism in domesticity and relationships. Why must we legitimize our relationship by the buying of things?
To me, my marriage was legitimized by the officiant saying so. Ok ok that's probably not what you meant.
I see buying of things as the way a community of friends/family helps out or at least shows support to a newly minted family. A lot of people just like to give wedding money/gifts. It's cross-cultural and comes full circle as the new family ages.
Not really related, but one of the most recent registries I saw was about 90% board games. It was an "older" couple (early 30s). Board games were just kind of their thing and it was a lot more fun to buy them games for their future children as opposed to paying for a couples massage on a honeymoon registry.
I really like registries, but that's probably the fact that I totally fall into the demographic where I really need people to buy me stuff because I have like one towel and a couple of cake pans to my name and that's about it. Also because I really enjoy cooking and lust after about a million different kitchen items that I can't afford on my own.
One time freshman year I was actually making bread (haha) and was frustrated at not having a mixer. In a fit of frustration, I said to my roommate, "I can't wait to get married so that I can register for a KitchenAid mixer!" She looked at me with an expression of genuine horror and said, "That's not the right reason to get married!!!" Hahaha. (No, it's not, but it's a nice perk for someone like me.)
@Whistler Yes, I think that settling down often comes with built-in gender role assumptions. I don't enjoy involved homemaking-type projects. I know Williams & Sonoma and Sur La Table make it look chic, but I usually end up finding the opportunity cost to be high.
But this is probably splitting hairs, as the aforementioned "community support" is, ah, lacking. Enough so to have given me a serious case of cold feet. If there's no pressing reason to rush, why? (There are financial and emotional arguments for and against.)
It's something I've thought a lot about: What traditions can you maintain if you leave the community you were born into? As a trope, that tends to be the type of individual who goes out alone. As Anne C. mentioned, not being single is a sacrifice, in some way. And I'm only now starting to appreciate what giving that up entails.
Ok ok that's probably not what you meant.