To be honest, this is already heavily self-censored, so I was surprised I was asked to change it. But the problem was in stating that leaving the church improved my quality of life. That is a pretty big thing that I did not want to remove, so there you go. It's important to say. Even on a BYU-sponsored site I still believe it is important to acknowledge that people find happiness and contentment in many ways, including leaving the church.My relationship with the church? Maybe you haven’t heard, but we broke up. Don’t feel bad for asking! No, it was the best thing that could have happened. For both us. We weren’t what each other wanted or needed. Even so, sometimes I miss my ex. Other times, I’m still mad at it for something done years ago. Sometimes I go a long time without even thinking about it anymore; but other times the smallest thing sets off a memory, and away I go, thinking about our past together and what might have been. It was such an unhealthy relationship, though. I was always yearning for something from it that I just couldn’t find. I was constantly suspicious of it, and even though it wouldn’t say so, it was suspicious of me. We weren’t right for each other.
The funny thing about breaking up is suddenly people are much more honest with you. When we were together, no one would come right out and give their opinions, positive or negative. Once we broke up, I realized there is a huge diversity of nuanced opinions out there on my ex. It’s not black and white at all, which amazed me, because I had naively assumed either people really hated my ex or were already involved with it. I was surprised by how many people had positive feelings despite never having dated the ex; how many people had negative feelings; how many people held strange misconceptions. But most of all, I was surprised again and again by how many people hadn’t heard of my ex. Or, even more amazing, had heard of my ex but just didn’t care one way or the other.
Nowadays our relationship is over. I go to its house once in a while when visiting my parents, but I’m not there for it, I’m there for the people I grew up with. I mostly don’t associate with it at all; even the Board must be read in small, far apart doses. At BYU, I thought there was a chance we’d get back together. Then I graduated. I moved on. My mind was filled with entirely different problems and ideas. Since getting some space, I’ve been a thousand times happier. I didn’t think I would be; I didn’t believe people who said “this too shall pass.” But it is true.
I hope the editors don't take this personally. I understand where they are coming from, I did after all write for the Board for two years while at BYU, while struggling with all this stuff, while trying to be as Mormon-positive as possible. It's doable, but it is dishonest, which I found hard then and I find impossible now. I have the luxury of being out in the world and unthreatened now, so I'll go ahead and take advantage of it.
Thanks, TBS!
