Hypothetically Coming Out

[Katya]

Ditto. I didn't want to make a big thing out of it then, but in the future if you'd rather use another name just let me know.

Thirded.

[Katya]

I keep using my given name by special request of my bishop and stake president.

This pisses me off inordinately. I'm sorry that they feel the need to interfere.

Agreed. Especially since there are tons of gender-neutral nicknames in the world (and a long history of common male names becoming common female names), so why do they even care? (Although maybe your preferred name is something hyper-masculine, like "Ragnar Monster Truck the Destroyinator." That's cool, too!)

(Especially ironic considering that straight married women's surnames are changed whether or not they want them to be, imo.)

I was thinking this exact thing.

[Integrating Editor]

I've recently asked for permission use a nickname that's a common first name and a fairly gender-neutral variant of my last name. They haven't gotten back to me yet, but I have some hope. Both my bishop and my stake president are, actually, really good people, but I'm the first trans person they've ever had to deal with as priesthood leaders, and they're not at all sure where they need to or should draw the lines. And feeling like I have to run a nickname by my stake president before I can safely ask people to use it is is pretty painful, but I still like them. We may never reach a conclusion that all of us can live with, but they've tried to be respectful and are legitimately trying to help me in what seems to them to be the best possible way.

[Zedability]

I do think it's really cool that you're responding charitably to them. I feel like I could have a hard time with that.

[Integrating Editor]

I've felt trapped and powerless all too often recently; I've been angry, rebellious, and bitter. But I'm trying to direct those emotions at the situation and the system that puts so little value on my perspective rather than at the generally legitimately good men involved. I've decided it won't do me any good to open the door to blame and hate.

[Cognoscente]

maybe your preferred name is something hyper-masculine, like "Ragnar Monster Truck the Destroyinator." That's cool, too!)

Dibs.

I applaud your patience too. Asking permission, not even to be referenced by your preferred pronouns, but simply a preferred nickname, seems galling and insulting.

[Whistler]

sort of related, I recently read this article on the masculinity of stealth games by a trans man. It was good!

http://boingboing.net/2015/09/07/the-qu ... steal.html

[Portia]

Just watched the trailer for "Transparent."

It was good! I don't understand trans* issues well but I want to be better. :-)

[Portia]

And that led me to reading reviews for The Danish Girl. I thought this paragraph was pertinent to anyone who identifies as trans esp. in the LDS vein.

Of course, Einar’s struggle is very real, all the more difficult for its time, given the prevailing homophobia (dramatized in a Parisian gay-bashing) and sexual politics of the time. The late ’20s were still early days for women’s rights, and Redmayne represents someone trying to follow his female intuition at a time when that meant ceding the social privileges of manhood — an irony made clear in Gerda’s character, whose own bisexual identity has been conspicuously omitted, so as not to complicate the film’s politics.

Variety magazine

I've often thought that perhaps at least part of the resistance to transition is that in a Mormon context, men and women are very much not inhabiting comparable social roles -- either ceding your status as someone born biologically male, or (perhaps seen as worse?) attempting to claim a male identity, which comes with the ideas surrounding priesthood and "leadership," throws a massive monkey wrench in that works. I think it goes way beyond a mere "ick" factor.

And I was super disappointed to hear that her apparently-more-lesbian-than-straight behavior was glossed over. Whether or not one approves of that, it makes their relationship (one cis bi woman, one trans woman) make a lot more sense to me?

[Portia]

So a question for you, Integrating Editor. (And if this question is presumptuous, feel free to say so. Genuinely wondering, though.)

I'm biologically female and what my friends and I deem "98% straight" (basically, I can find other women attractive but can't imagine myself doing anything about that). So you'd think, maybe, that I feel 100% great about being a woman but actually it's a giant pain in the butt and if I were reincarnated as a dude I think I would be all for it. I guess I don't identify as strongly socially feminine -- I have no interest in childbearing or -rearing, most my friends are dudes (but again, straight, so), and I can't think of any time in my life that being a man wouldn't have been objectively better to my personality and goals than being a woman. However I know I'm not trans -- body-wise, it squares up with my mental map of myself.

I don't know if this is just internalized misogyny especially from the Utah LDS culture, or what. Or Freudian "penis envy," eyeroll.

Maybe just some insight into how being trans is different from ... this.

[Integrating Editor]

I haven't been ignoring you, Portia; I've been barely getting by lately, and I couldn’t quite respond. My first thought about what you've written is that being straight isn't terribly relevant to gender identity. I'm bisexual; Caitlyn Jenner is attracted to women. Sexual orientation isn’t even close to a reliable indicator of gender identity.

I would be perfectly happy to marry a man, but I'm more interested in gay men than straight ones. I’ve always been uncomfortable with romantic attention from straight guys because so much of the attraction is due to body characteristics I would be willing to do an awful lot to get rid of. I vividly remember when my mom decided that I needed to start wearing bras to hide my nipples. I was very upset. Those breasts of mine were too large—they should never have gotten large enough to get noticed, should never have developed nipples anyone wanted to hide.

My mom tried hard to find bras I could tolerate, but wearing extra material there wasn’t negotiable. Eventually I tried to use bras as a way to convince myself that I was okay with the more feminine look they gave me; it didn’t really work. Other times, I used the fact that the most training bras are too large for me to make me feel better about my body shape. I do really, really love the fact that I don’t even have to bind to fit pretty normally in boys’ clothes. The severe psychiatric symptoms I experience related to menstruation occur after a few days of bleeding, worsening until things have completely stopped. Using birth control to regulate my cycle took care of some of the problem, but it was only when I started entirely suppressing my periods that it fully disappeared.

I was jealous when I first noticed my little brother had facial hair because it should have been my turn next, not his. I hated it when he shot up and made me look like his kid sibling, not because I particularly want to be tall but because it was a reminder that I’m not naturally just a really short man, that I lack the testosterone to give me that growth spurt. Since people tend to assume I’m 12 or 13 whether they read me as male or female, it’s as if I just never reached the stage of puberty that is making him an adult and leaving me behind.

When I was told that it would be rebellious and spiritually dangerous for me to use a gender-neutral nickname and that I might very well never resolve the dilemma between my need to do so and my belief in the church, I ended up suicidal. The thought of spending the rest of my life going by something undeniably feminine was that intolerable for me. As was disobeying a priesthood leader, apparently.

I have absolutely no problem with the idea of raising children, and I’ve never felt that gender norms are anything but constructs, but taking steps to make my appearance and presentation align better with my own sense of self has brought me the most stable happiness I’ve ever achieved. When life as a woman doesn’t seem to be worth bearing but I get excited about growing old as a man, it seems pretty clear that continuing to act like I’m a cisgender female would be a dangerous mistake. Many women can see potential benefits to a life as a man—not so many can't possibly handle the thought of living as a woman.

[Portia]

Your last sentence was very powerful to me. Thank you for sharing.