Becoming less manipulative

[TheBlackSheep]

Hi folks!

So I have this problem. I come from an archetypal Mormon family in that I thought that being a "peacekeeper" meant preventing any negative emotions, I believed I had to be perfect to be noticed or loved, and the only trait that I remember being praised by my parents was my "good heart." I also had a mom who would give you the silent treatment and cry whenever she looked at you for a couple of weeks should you step out of line. My dad was largely emotionally absent (he worked a lot and did a lot of community activism) and was brought in as the muscle should things get hairy enough. In short, while my parents are good people and I believe they did their best and I'm very grateful to have had them, I was terrified of their emotional reactions, both because of what it meant for my interactions with them and for my self worth. From a very young age I tried to control a lot of situations and I got pretty good at manipulating people. I never did it maliciously; it was a for-the-greater-good kind of thing. Around the time I stopped going to church I realized how insulting this was to everyone around me, how codependent it was, and how useless it was. I've tried to systematically root it out, and I'm doing so much better than I was as a teenager, though as Marduk pointed out a couple of months ago I have a ways to go.

It mostly comes out when I'm stressed, worried, scared, or depressed. I'll start to try to control everything and everyone around me because I want things to be okay. Like last night, I gave an answer that was, let us say, ingenuous to my boyfriend because I was scared about some rough times we've been going through for the past few months. He hates that, for good reason, and I just can't believe I still do this.

I am much better about this than I was, say, ten years ago, but I do it without thinking sometimes in reaction to the kinds of stresses I mentioned above. I just forget in the moment. Anybody have any tips for letting this one go?

[Whistler]

I don't have exactly the same problem as you. But when I'm feeling overwhelmed I get sarcastic with my husband, and I realized that it's something my mom also does. It's not even a funny sarcastic. For example, one day he asked if I wanted to go for a walk after dinner. I usually clean up the kitchen after dinner. That day I said "what, is some kitchen fairy going to come clean the kitchen for me so I can go on a walk with you?"

It helped me to realize what I was doing, and also to realize that if I ask for help and admit that I'm feeling overwhelmed it's more pleasant for my husband to help me. But some part of me feels like it should be obvious when I'm overwhelmed and he should be able to figure that out and help without me having to ask all the time! Sorry, I don't have any great advice for you.

[Katya]

I am much better about this than I was, say, ten years ago, but I do it without thinking sometimes in reaction to the kinds of stresses I mentioned above. I just forget in the moment. Anybody have any tips for letting this one go?

I think the tricky thing about this is that, as you've pointed out, this is something you do impulsively and under stress, which makes it hard to get yourself out of the habit. As dorky as it sounds, I'd suggest role-playing what you wish you'd said (with your boyfriend's help, if he's amenable). Revisiting the situation with a better outcome might help your brain to get out of the rut it's in and it might also help heal some of the harm caused this last time.

[Portia]

Perhaps having a gestalt shift where you see being manipulative as, in itself, a negative emotion/reaction would help?

[Whistler]

How is this going for you?

[TheBlackSheep]

You know, I think pretty well. I'm flattered by your interest, and thank you.

I read a lot of books and I've done a LOT of work. It's pretty much been the central focus of my life since I started this thread. The Four Agreements was awesome, in case anyone needs some light new-agey self-helpy reading. But seriously, it was great.

I respect myself more than I ever have, maybe, so that's good. I'm keeping an eye on it whenever I feel the need to help people not be upset (hello, the other thread) but I think I'm doing a good job. I'm letting people own a lot more of their own stuff.