Avoiding an ex

[The Happy Medium]

For context I asked these questions over the summer concerning the guy I dated: http://theboard.byu.edu/questions/86829/, http://theboard.byu.edu/questions/87233/, and http://theboard.byu.edu/questions/87407/. Read them if you like, but they're not essential to my question.

Basically I'm still really mad at my ex even though we broke up almost 5 months ago. We were really good friends before we dated and he did some pretty crummy stuff after we broke up like flirting with someone else in front of me 3 days after the break up and ignoring me for over a week. I texted him about two weeks after the break up and said that I still wanted to be friends, and he agreed but he never did anything to make that happen. I went to his birthday party almost a month post-breakup, then we were both at a game night the next day. After those two interactions I felt terrible so I decided that I couldn't see him anymore and we've had almost zero interaction since then. I moved out of the ward as soon as I could and he started dating someone else. In the time since the breakup I've pretty much convinced myself that this guy is nothing but a manipulative, lying, d-bag even though part of me still longs for the friendship we used to have. I think my biggest beef with him is that he said that he cared about me but everything that he did after the breakup seemed to indicate otherwise.

Here's where the question comes in: my old roommate is having a birthday dinner tomorrow and my ex and I were both invited. I still don't want to see him at all. I've already avoided several parties that I thought he could be at because even the thought of seeing him makes me feel sick. But I also don't want to sacrifice seeing my old roommate and a bunch of other friends that I really like just because I'm avoiding this one jerk. This was my first relationship so I have no experience with exes. So what do I do, should I keep avoiding him?

[Portia]

Nah, go to the party. Be cordial but aloof, you owe him nothing. If he texts you or something, just say that your feelings are still too raw and you need to move on.

Enjoy the party and your friends! If we've learned anything from this nightmare year, it's that we're way too compliant to the wants/needs/primal desires of manipulative douchebrethren!

[Emiliana]

I'm not going to say you *shouldn't* go, but I would be sympathetic if you chose not to. I had an ex whose presence triggered panic attacks for most of a semester and it was hell. Some of my friends thought I was being petty or immature, but .... it was hell. I had to quit going to a lot of my friend group's adventures for awhile to regain my sanity. His graduation at the end of that semester was the most freeing thing evar.

Fast forward a few years (like, six or seven?) and it still stressed me out that he was going to be there when my best friend got married. But that turned out to be fine. I introduced him to my husband, he showed me a photo of his baby. And that was freeing in its own way.

[The Happy Medium]

Luckily all our plans were being made over a group text so I found out this afternoon he couldn't make it. I got to enjoy the party without the anxiety of seeing him. I did, however, skip out a little early because he said he might show up late. I don't regret avoiding him. My life is better without him in it.

Emiliana, I feel you on the panic attacks. Even the thought of seeing my ex makes my stomach churn and I was actually in tears last night while I was writing that question up. He makes me feel awful.

[Emiliana]

Yay! I'm glad that worked out for you to go without seeing him.

I think some of us, the way our minds and emotions work, are just not built to be friends with exes.