Humor will not be tolerated!! -Portia

I was thinking maybe we could make a thread of us minions sharing funny mission stories, like the writers got to in 46593 I didn't go on a mission myself, but I do know some fun ones.

In a new area, my husband and his companion went to see an old contact the companion said they "didn't know what to do with". Things started out ok, introductions, etc. And then the guy asked where hubby's unique last name originated. He told the guy it was from Checkloslavakia. Then this contact got really excited. "Did you know there was a guy named Checkloslavakia that went on the first trip to the moon?" My husband decided that sounded strange, but since he didn't know all the names of the people on board, he went along with that.
"Really?"
"Yeah! And they left him up there!"

" . . . really?!?"
"Yeah! And he floated around in space for a long time, and then finally came back down and landed right here in the Phillipines!"
"Is that so?" By now hubby was working really hard on not laughing.
"But see, when he came back down, it shrunk him down until he was only a couple of inches tall."
"So, where is he now?" The guy went on to talk about how this little astronaut now lives in his nose and talks to him all the time, especially after long days at work. They talked a lot about California, which was naturally where Checkloslavakia was from. He asked if my husband lived near California.
"Will you help Checkloslavakia get back home?", he asked, in the most serious tone possible.

Finally my husband choked down the laughter enough to ask where this guy worked (since that seemed to have an effect). "A paint factory."
"I think you should get a new job soon," was their parting advice as they left.

And my favorites from a friend:

One day they went to an appointment and clapped at the gate (which is how you "knock" in Brazil). No one answered, but they noticed a "Beware of the parrot!" sign. Sure enough, next to the house, there was a Macaw. They thought, why worry about a parrot? So they headed on into the yard. When they got almost to the front door, the Macaw noticed them. And (in Portuguese), the parrot said "GET EM, REX!" The next thing they heard was WOOF as a huge dog bounded around the corner. At this point, it was either go in the house or be eaten, so they ducked inside to see the whole family watching TV in their living room. Hiya, everybody . . .

And my last story, I swear. This same guy was getting transferred within the stateside mission while he waited for his Visa. Normally they got members or missionaries to drive them when they transferred, and he had about a 5 hour drive, as I recall. But when he showed up at the mission home, the President said that there were scheduling conflicts, and he had arranged transportation with the only people available. For the next 5 hours until he got there, he was assigned to be companions with . . .a pair of Sisters. As he climbed into their car, they quickly settled in to giggling and mocking him in hysterics from the front seat, so he just sunk into a red-faced lump in the backseat and tried to sleep.

They woke him up halfway and announced that since it was their P-day, they needed to make a pit stop at Wal-Mart on their way down. Fine. He followed them in. And after a few decoy items, this pair led him (you guessed it) into the lingerie secion, announcing that they needed new bras. After much protesting, he ended up blushing, staring at the ceiling, trying not to look at anything, but not loose sight of his "companions" either. While he focused on the ceiling, he suddenly heard "Helloooooo Elder", and looked down to see a Stake President in front of him. He tried to frantically explain, and the guy called the Mission President to confirm. My friend said that by the end of that phone call the guy was practically in tears from laughing so hard. He did manage to give those Sisters a "you've had your fun with the poor boy, now hit the road" speech before heading off though. So mean!

Czechoslovakia.


Anyways, recently returned missionary (as in, he had gotten home the night before) told our priests quorum a story about how he had sewn catnip in an elder's pants, because said elder always bragged about this golden contact he had that owned like nine cats. Needless to say, he had trouble teaching for a while, until they told him one P day while he was ironing.

I served in Mexico City, and I was in my 3rd area training. Now about a fourth of the area embarked a part of a neighborhood named Tepito. Tepito is near the center of the city and is knows for its high crime rate (we were never there past 8:00 pm) and for all its pirated goods that it sells, along with other illegal things like drugs. We always were being cautious in case someone tried to rob us. You can also imagine what my poor Mexican companion must have felt with his first area containing Tepito.

Anyways one after noon we were walking and and old man calls out after us, and we assumed that he was going to rob us or something, so we walked faster. He noticed and caught up with us and stopped us. Before we could say anything he says "Just so you know that not everyone in Tepito are thieves, here's a peso for and a peso for you." He gave us both a peso (10 cents roughly) and walked away. We were both surprised.

My brother just sent me this story from his Elders Quorum, and this seemed as good a place as any to put it:

Last week in Elder's Quorum, we were discussing how to feel and recognize the Spirit. We discussed the verses in D&C 9 when Oliver Cowdery was told that he would feel a burning in his bosom. The instructor then misquoted when explaining that not everyone will be able to say, "Okay, I'm going to pray and then feel a bosom..."