No means no!

[Emiliana]

This might actually fit better under "Soapbox," but I really would like to hear some (especially male) opinions on this.

Short of cutting off a friendship, is there any sure-fire way to communicate to a guy that you are not and never will be interested in dating him? I told him in no uncertain terms that I would not date someone who doesn't share my religious beliefs (he is a staunch atheist), and yet he still seems surprised when I tell him that I have no interest in dating him. (LOGIC! What DO they teach at these schools?) What mixed signals might I be sending unawares?

[Architect]

Uhh...if you told him directly you have no interest in dating him, he must just be going on wishful thinking? If you told me that I would be out of your hair in about five minutes.

Maybe he just takes you being friendly/a friend to him to mean that the door's still open.

[Laser Jock]

I have a sister who's had to deal with this kind of thing (persistent dating attempts) from several guys. From her experience, being very clear/direct, even blunt, is somewhat helpful. But after shutting one of the guys down several times, he still didn't get it, and she had to severely limit contact with him. Being friends with him wasn't working; he took friendly gestures as indications that he could try again.

So, I'd tell the guy that unless you specifically tell him you want to date him, there is zero chance you will date him, and that if he persists you'll have to cut off the friendship too. Sometimes a bit of an ultimatum is called for. Don't give it unless you mean it, though.

For what it's worth, I agree with Architect: if I got a message like that from a girl, I'd lay off indefinitely unless she came right out and said she'd changed her mind. But a substantial number of guys don't seem to act that way.

[Yarjka]

I had a girl tell me that she just wanted to be friends. I agreed. We kept hanging out, and it was awesome ... so awesome that I figured she must have changed her mind and wanted to be more than friends after all. But I was wrong. Friends it was. But I liked her so much I just had to give it another shot. I knew that it might cause us to have to cut off our friendship, but I had to take that risk. So I did. We're no longer friends (well, we are according to Facebook, but that doesn't really count). Looking back on it, I realize I was being incredibly selfish: I wanted to be able to look back at the situation and be able to say "I did all I could; there was nothing more I could have done." I thought I'd be able to live life with no regrets--oddly enough, asking that third time is one of my biggest regrets, because I realize how I missed out on a good friendship just to have peace of mind.

If a guy likes you a lot, there's nothing you can do or say that will make him stop trying to get you to like him. Being rude is a huge turnoff, though, so that would definitely help ... but then you're unlikely to remain friends.

I'm thinking something that might work is to try and set him up with someone else. But maybe that's just the material for a bad romantic comedy and not actual life.

[Marduk]

Let's make sure that in fact, you have said no though. I've seen many girls who think they have been direct with someone when really they have been more obtuse as a way to avoid a confrontation. Make sure that there are no equivocations or alternate interpretations of what you've said.

[Emiliana]

So now he's claiming that he wasn't actually trying to get me to date him, but rather to explore WHY, exactly, I couldn't date an atheist. Still seems a bit fishy to me, but yeah, I think he is now finally clear on where we stand. And hopefully he will respect it so we can maintain the friendship, because I really enjoy this guy's company, but sheesh, enough is enough.

Marduk: Yeah, I think I've probably done that to guys before, and I've definitely witnessed other young women doing it. The motivation nearly always is kindness, though, rather than purely fear of confrontation. I mean ... it SEEMS kinder to say something roundabout than to say something like "I just plain don't like you that way," but like you said, it really isn't.

[Genuine Article]

now he's claiming that he wasn't actually trying to get me to date him, but rather to explore WHY, exactly, I couldn't date an atheist.

If that's all he sees as a barrier he's probably going to try and break down your logic.

[krebscout]

That's pretty flattering. Way to be a hot commodity, Emiliana.

[Emiliana]

Haha, thanks Krebscout, but I'm pretty sure I'm not a hot commodity in general. This guy is ... a bit of a social misfit, so I think he finds the fact that I actually enjoy being with him a bit too exciting. Hopefully he'll have the good sense not to ruin the friendship, though.