Becoming less manipulative
Posted: Mon Jun 08, 2015 1:27 am
Hi folks!
So I have this problem. I come from an archetypal Mormon family in that I thought that being a "peacekeeper" meant preventing any negative emotions, I believed I had to be perfect to be noticed or loved, and the only trait that I remember being praised by my parents was my "good heart." I also had a mom who would give you the silent treatment and cry whenever she looked at you for a couple of weeks should you step out of line. My dad was largely emotionally absent (he worked a lot and did a lot of community activism) and was brought in as the muscle should things get hairy enough. In short, while my parents are good people and I believe they did their best and I'm very grateful to have had them, I was terrified of their emotional reactions, both because of what it meant for my interactions with them and for my self worth. From a very young age I tried to control a lot of situations and I got pretty good at manipulating people. I never did it maliciously; it was a for-the-greater-good kind of thing. Around the time I stopped going to church I realized how insulting this was to everyone around me, how codependent it was, and how useless it was. I've tried to systematically root it out, and I'm doing so much better than I was as a teenager, though as Marduk pointed out a couple of months ago I have a ways to go.
It mostly comes out when I'm stressed, worried, scared, or depressed. I'll start to try to control everything and everyone around me because I want things to be okay. Like last night, I gave an answer that was, let us say, ingenuous to my boyfriend because I was scared about some rough times we've been going through for the past few months. He hates that, for good reason, and I just can't believe I still do this.
I am much better about this than I was, say, ten years ago, but I do it without thinking sometimes in reaction to the kinds of stresses I mentioned above. I just forget in the moment. Anybody have any tips for letting this one go?
So I have this problem. I come from an archetypal Mormon family in that I thought that being a "peacekeeper" meant preventing any negative emotions, I believed I had to be perfect to be noticed or loved, and the only trait that I remember being praised by my parents was my "good heart." I also had a mom who would give you the silent treatment and cry whenever she looked at you for a couple of weeks should you step out of line. My dad was largely emotionally absent (he worked a lot and did a lot of community activism) and was brought in as the muscle should things get hairy enough. In short, while my parents are good people and I believe they did their best and I'm very grateful to have had them, I was terrified of their emotional reactions, both because of what it meant for my interactions with them and for my self worth. From a very young age I tried to control a lot of situations and I got pretty good at manipulating people. I never did it maliciously; it was a for-the-greater-good kind of thing. Around the time I stopped going to church I realized how insulting this was to everyone around me, how codependent it was, and how useless it was. I've tried to systematically root it out, and I'm doing so much better than I was as a teenager, though as Marduk pointed out a couple of months ago I have a ways to go.
It mostly comes out when I'm stressed, worried, scared, or depressed. I'll start to try to control everything and everyone around me because I want things to be okay. Like last night, I gave an answer that was, let us say, ingenuous to my boyfriend because I was scared about some rough times we've been going through for the past few months. He hates that, for good reason, and I just can't believe I still do this.
I am much better about this than I was, say, ten years ago, but I do it without thinking sometimes in reaction to the kinds of stresses I mentioned above. I just forget in the moment. Anybody have any tips for letting this one go?