An explosion has gone off in my life.
Posted: Tue Sep 08, 2015 1:13 am
So, this is going to be seriously depressing. I just can't get my feet under me for more than about five seconds, so I'm going to see if this helps.
I dated this guy for 2.5 years, more or less. I proposed to him, even, though now I'm grateful that the answer at the time was "not yet." He broke up with me a couple of months ago, but we had broken up before and it seemed like we would always get back together. He even went to my sister's wedding in mid-August.
Things went downhill with him very quickly starting about 10 days ago. I asked him to go to a theme park with me one too many times, and he perceived that as ignoring what he said unless it "fit [my] narrative." It spiraled from there. At the time I was moving into his vacated but not cleaned out ex-apartment, per a weeks' old agreement. He got extremely passive-aggressive and nasty, and it felt like finally, finally maybe I could be done with him.
Then, a week ago on Monday, I sent an email to our collective ex (an experiment in romantic triads... don't ask. Or do, I don't really care). Long story short, that conversation sent me down the rabbit hole and I eventually discovered that almost everything I believed about him was wrong. He gaslit (gaslighted?) me way more than I assumed was possible, seeing as how I'm a reasonably intelligent, emotionally intelligent, social worker type. Really serious stuff is wrong here. We're talking up to an including sexual assault.
I am clearly incapable of holding boundaries with this person and he clearly knows all of my buttons, so I told people what was going on and my dad, brother, sister-in-law and I moved me out of the state of Utah today. We started planning this on Friday night. Luckily/unluckily I was offered a space in an alternate route to licensure program this week as well so I can have some kind of direction in my life, even though that news in light of everything else was completely overwhelming.
This past week was maybe the hardest of my life. I have never had trauma reactions like these trauma reactions. Thank god for good friends who occupied my days and gave me places to sleep all week. When I drove to tell my family what was going on and do some paperwork for my program I changed the song or podcast an average of once every 45 seconds for the entire six-hour drive. I don't know what to believe about anything or anyone. I don't know what to think about my values. I have no control over my emotions, but it is in no way like depression. (How many ways are there to have no control over one's emotions?)
Then, abruptly, as I was driving away from my brother and sister-in-law's house after finishing the drive into town, I missed my ex so badly that I immediately started bawling, but at least I knew what I was crying about, I guess. I cried sporadically for a long time and I had to talk to two friends and my mom to keep myself from calling him. My emotional range is considerably larger than a teaspoon, but this is ridiculous. I feel confused/upset/angry/ashamed/anxious about what I discovered, sad/lonely/bereft about the loss of him in my life, and ashamed/stupid/etc. about feeling sad/lonely/bereft because I miss him. Then there are more layers and more layers. I feel like, largely, people are missing what is bothering me the most, which is that I don't know how to keep myself safe.
How on earth does anyone survive these types of experiences? I know they are horrifyingly common and I have worked with many women and children who have suffered the worst kinds of abuse. In the midst of my crisis, however, I cannot imagine how anyone gets through this or how there is life on the other side.
I dated this guy for 2.5 years, more or less. I proposed to him, even, though now I'm grateful that the answer at the time was "not yet." He broke up with me a couple of months ago, but we had broken up before and it seemed like we would always get back together. He even went to my sister's wedding in mid-August.
Things went downhill with him very quickly starting about 10 days ago. I asked him to go to a theme park with me one too many times, and he perceived that as ignoring what he said unless it "fit [my] narrative." It spiraled from there. At the time I was moving into his vacated but not cleaned out ex-apartment, per a weeks' old agreement. He got extremely passive-aggressive and nasty, and it felt like finally, finally maybe I could be done with him.
Then, a week ago on Monday, I sent an email to our collective ex (an experiment in romantic triads... don't ask. Or do, I don't really care). Long story short, that conversation sent me down the rabbit hole and I eventually discovered that almost everything I believed about him was wrong. He gaslit (gaslighted?) me way more than I assumed was possible, seeing as how I'm a reasonably intelligent, emotionally intelligent, social worker type. Really serious stuff is wrong here. We're talking up to an including sexual assault.
I am clearly incapable of holding boundaries with this person and he clearly knows all of my buttons, so I told people what was going on and my dad, brother, sister-in-law and I moved me out of the state of Utah today. We started planning this on Friday night. Luckily/unluckily I was offered a space in an alternate route to licensure program this week as well so I can have some kind of direction in my life, even though that news in light of everything else was completely overwhelming.
This past week was maybe the hardest of my life. I have never had trauma reactions like these trauma reactions. Thank god for good friends who occupied my days and gave me places to sleep all week. When I drove to tell my family what was going on and do some paperwork for my program I changed the song or podcast an average of once every 45 seconds for the entire six-hour drive. I don't know what to believe about anything or anyone. I don't know what to think about my values. I have no control over my emotions, but it is in no way like depression. (How many ways are there to have no control over one's emotions?)
Then, abruptly, as I was driving away from my brother and sister-in-law's house after finishing the drive into town, I missed my ex so badly that I immediately started bawling, but at least I knew what I was crying about, I guess. I cried sporadically for a long time and I had to talk to two friends and my mom to keep myself from calling him. My emotional range is considerably larger than a teaspoon, but this is ridiculous. I feel confused/upset/angry/ashamed/anxious about what I discovered, sad/lonely/bereft about the loss of him in my life, and ashamed/stupid/etc. about feeling sad/lonely/bereft because I miss him. Then there are more layers and more layers. I feel like, largely, people are missing what is bothering me the most, which is that I don't know how to keep myself safe.
How on earth does anyone survive these types of experiences? I know they are horrifyingly common and I have worked with many women and children who have suffered the worst kinds of abuse. In the midst of my crisis, however, I cannot imagine how anyone gets through this or how there is life on the other side.