An explosion has gone off in my life.

[TheBlackSheep]

So, this is going to be seriously depressing. I just can't get my feet under me for more than about five seconds, so I'm going to see if this helps.

I dated this guy for 2.5 years, more or less. I proposed to him, even, though now I'm grateful that the answer at the time was "not yet." He broke up with me a couple of months ago, but we had broken up before and it seemed like we would always get back together. He even went to my sister's wedding in mid-August.

Things went downhill with him very quickly starting about 10 days ago. I asked him to go to a theme park with me one too many times, and he perceived that as ignoring what he said unless it "fit [my] narrative." It spiraled from there. At the time I was moving into his vacated but not cleaned out ex-apartment, per a weeks' old agreement. He got extremely passive-aggressive and nasty, and it felt like finally, finally maybe I could be done with him.

Then, a week ago on Monday, I sent an email to our collective ex (an experiment in romantic triads... don't ask. Or do, I don't really care). Long story short, that conversation sent me down the rabbit hole and I eventually discovered that almost everything I believed about him was wrong. He gaslit (gaslighted?) me way more than I assumed was possible, seeing as how I'm a reasonably intelligent, emotionally intelligent, social worker type. Really serious stuff is wrong here. We're talking up to an including sexual assault.

I am clearly incapable of holding boundaries with this person and he clearly knows all of my buttons, so I told people what was going on and my dad, brother, sister-in-law and I moved me out of the state of Utah today. We started planning this on Friday night. Luckily/unluckily I was offered a space in an alternate route to licensure program this week as well so I can have some kind of direction in my life, even though that news in light of everything else was completely overwhelming.

This past week was maybe the hardest of my life. I have never had trauma reactions like these trauma reactions. Thank god for good friends who occupied my days and gave me places to sleep all week. When I drove to tell my family what was going on and do some paperwork for my program I changed the song or podcast an average of once every 45 seconds for the entire six-hour drive. I don't know what to believe about anything or anyone. I don't know what to think about my values. I have no control over my emotions, but it is in no way like depression. (How many ways are there to have no control over one's emotions?)

Then, abruptly, as I was driving away from my brother and sister-in-law's house after finishing the drive into town, I missed my ex so badly that I immediately started bawling, but at least I knew what I was crying about, I guess. I cried sporadically for a long time and I had to talk to two friends and my mom to keep myself from calling him. My emotional range is considerably larger than a teaspoon, but this is ridiculous. I feel confused/upset/angry/ashamed/anxious about what I discovered, sad/lonely/bereft about the loss of him in my life, and ashamed/stupid/etc. about feeling sad/lonely/bereft because I miss him. Then there are more layers and more layers. I feel like, largely, people are missing what is bothering me the most, which is that I don't know how to keep myself safe.

How on earth does anyone survive these types of experiences? I know they are horrifyingly common and I have worked with many women and children who have suffered the worst kinds of abuse. In the midst of my crisis, however, I cannot imagine how anyone gets through this or how there is life on the other side.

[Rainbow_connection]

I'm so sorry. That sounds frightening and awful and I'm glad you and your family were able to take steps to get you to away from the situation. I don't have any personal experience with gaslighting, but I recently read this article about it that has some steps to take to feel safe again written by a survivor. I hope it doesn't come across as patronizing to just send you to a website. And I hope you're able to feel safe again. I know you're a strong person and I hope you can move past this.

[Whistler]

It sounds like you have good social support, but if you're in Provo and you need a bed you're welcome to use our guest room and take a morning walk with us.

I don't have any experience with gaslighting and that type of abuse. But I have experienced dating someone for a long time and then finding out after the fact they had issues which I feel like should have come up in our relationship. For example, I found out that one guy I dated had masturbation/porn issues. Even though it was years later that I found out, it still hurt me that he had kept that from me. Like, what else did I not know about him? Something similar, not with porn, came up in another relationship during it, and I felt like part of the earth crumbled beneath me. In hindsight various of his behaviors made so much more sense, but it took a while to come to terms with the revelation.

But the things you found out about your ex are bigger than a secret addiction or a troubled past, obviously! Not only are you breaking up with him, but you're mourning the loss of the person you thought he was. If it were me, I'd be rewriting the past and endlessly kicking myself for not seeing it sooner.

I wish I could recommend some kind of emotional abuse survivor's group. Reading this article helped me understand sympathize with how hard it is for an outsider to see abuse like gaslighting (in the exchange, she seems like the one who is out of control, but after reading her explanation, I can see that her father is maintaining a false image): https://becomingworldly.wordpress.com/2 ... survivors/

[Whistler]

It's probably too personal to detail here, but would it help to write down the ways he gaslit you?

[Portia]

I will second Whistler about one's ex's behaviors making soooo much more sense in hindsight, and it taking a while to get over the effect they can have on you. If you want to talk, you know where to find me.

[Emiliana]

I don't have any great words of wisdom, but I'm sorry that you've been going through all that. :-/

[mic0]

"How on earth does anyone survive these types of experiences? I know they are horrifyingly common and I have worked with many women and children who have suffered the worst kinds of abuse. In the midst of my crisis, however, I cannot imagine how anyone gets through this or how there is life on the other side."

I don't know, but they do seem to survive somehow and move on even. Your situation sounds really really hard and scary (though getting better) and like everyone else I don't feel like there is much I can say except it is good to hear you have so much support right now and I'm happy to hear you are accepting that support and help.

[Katya]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I wish I had answers for you.

[TheBlackSheep]

I'm so sorry. That sounds frightening and awful and I'm glad you and your family were able to take steps to get you to away from the situation. I don't have any personal experience with gaslighting, but I recently read this article about it that has some steps to take to feel safe again written by a survivor. I hope it doesn't come across as patronizing to just send you to a website. And I hope you're able to feel safe again. I know you're a strong person and I hope you can move past this.

Hey, thanks for the support. You must also be plugged into my brain or something, because seeing this article is what helped me feel like I could really be done with the relationship about 48 hours before I talked to the ex-girlfriend, and I've read it many times since. Thanks for the recommendation. It was lightbulb after lightbulb for me.

[TheBlackSheep]

It sounds like you have good social support, but if you're in Provo and you need a bed you're welcome to use our guest room and take a morning walk with us.

Thank you, and thanks for the support you've shown me this week. I really appreciate it.

I don't have any experience with gaslighting and that type of abuse. But I have experienced dating someone for a long time and then finding out after the fact they had issues which I feel like should have come up in our relationship. For example, I found out that one guy I dated had masturbation/porn issues. Even though it was years later that I found out, it still hurt me that he had kept that from me. Like, what else did I not know about him? Something similar, not with porn, came up in another relationship during it, and I felt like part of the earth crumbled beneath me. In hindsight various of his behaviors made so much more sense, but it took a while to come to terms with the revelation.

But the things you found out about your ex are bigger than a secret addiction or a troubled past, obviously! Not only are you breaking up with him, but you're mourning the loss of the person you thought he was. If it were me, I'd be rewriting the past and endlessly kicking myself for not seeing it sooner.

Thank you for the validation and for saying that. I've been valiantly trying not to make myself feel like an idiot so what you said really helps. That earth crumbling sensation has really been getting the better of me. I am mourning the loss of the person I thought he was and what I thought the relationship was and even who I thought I was. it's a rough process.

I wish I could recommend some kind of emotional abuse survivor's group. Reading this article helped me understand sympathize with how hard it is for an outsider to see abuse like gaslighting (in the exchange, she seems like the one who is out of control, but after reading her explanation, I can see that her father is maintaining a false image): https://becomingworldly.wordpress.com/2 ... survivors/

Thank you for the article recommendation. It was very helpful for me to read, and I read it several times as well. I'm waiting for the dust to settle and then I think I'll go to a Codependents Anonymous meeting. It isn't really the central issue and I don't think that codependency is my central issue (I'm so much better than I used to be), but when I proposed it to my shrink before leaving Utah she thought it might be good for some validation as other people with codependency problems have probably experienced similar situations.

It's probably too personal to detail here, but would it help to write down the ways he gaslit you?

A few days ago I started a blog with open letters to him. Whenever I think of something I wish I could say to him I try to write it down. I think it's helping. If anyone wants to read it, you can. PM me. Putting it on the internet gives me this sense that I'm not alone, even if no one reads it ever.

[TheBlackSheep]

I will second Whistler about one's ex's behaviors making soooo much more sense in hindsight, and it taking a while to get over the effect they can have on you. If you want to talk, you know where to find me.

Thanks Portia. I agree about hindsight. I guess that is one of the hard parts about this. In hindsight I can see a lot of things that I just missed the first time around, no matter what happened. How on earth do I trust others or myself again, you know? In any case, yes, I do know where to find you, and thanks for your support since this all went down.

[TheBlackSheep]

I don't have any great words of wisdom, but I'm sorry that you've been going through all that. :-/

Thanks, Emiliana. I really appreciate it. I sure as hell don't know what to do or make out of it so I don't expect anyone else to. I do, hwoever, appreciate the support.

[TheBlackSheep]

"How on earth does anyone survive these types of experiences? I know they are horrifyingly common and I have worked with many women and children who have suffered the worst kinds of abuse. In the midst of my crisis, however, I cannot imagine how anyone gets through this or how there is life on the other side."

I don't know, but they do seem to survive somehow and move on even. Your situation sounds really really hard and scary (though getting better) and like everyone else I don't feel like there is much I can say except it is good to hear you have so much support right now and I'm happy to hear you are accepting that support and help.

Thanks, mic0. Not that there is anything to brag about in this situation, but I am kind of proud of myself. I spoke up and let people help me for once in my life. It had to get this bad but it's a step, I guess? I super love your face.

[TheBlackSheep]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I wish I had answers for you.

Thanks, Katya. I really appreciate it.