Working mothers question from today

[thebigcheese]

You know, I don't have any kids yet. But you sound a little like me, Carrapicho. Forgive me if I stray from the topic, but let me just share a few of my own thoughts on motherhood and womanhood.

When I have kids, I don't want my entire world to be Sesame Street and Dora the Explorer. I want to continue being an adult. I want to continue growing and learning and progressing, doing things that are fulfilling for me as an adult human being. And I think it's important for me to make time for that. I don't know about you, but I don't think adult fulfillment is limited to the corporate world. Don't get me wrong, there are many things about the corporate world that appeal to me. I just don't see it as the ONLY thing that could make me happy. Others in this thread have already discussed how they became working mothers. For me, I plan to find fulfillment in being a unique individual with a unique set of interests, whether that includes a career or not.

Regardless of where you get your fulfillment, I believe that all women need some kind of intellectual stimulation. In fact, I think many stay-at-home women get involved with crafts because they're learning new skills and using them in creative ways. That type of creativity is an intellectual process that rarely gets the credit it deserves.

But you know what? I'm not really into crafts. I'm not really into cookies. Those things are not fulfilling for me, and I think that's perfectly fine. I don't feel like I'm any less of a woman. So what would be fulfilling for me? Well, taking my kids to climb mountains. Showing them the mechanics of fixing a bike. Teaching them about history. Or building a treehouse together. (Yes, I'm a woman. But I love power tools. So sue me.) I guess the point I'm trying to make is that being a woman or being a stay-at-home mom doesn't have to be this crusty-dusty thing of making quilts and cookies all day because you can make it into something challenging and fulfilling that suits you in a unique way. Something I learned from studying the Family Proclamation: you can fulfill a role without fulfilling a stereotype.

I think it's also worth mentioning that just because someone is a stay-at-home mom, it doesn't necessarily mean that she is a good mom. If the mom stays at home and ignores the kids all day, I would venture to say that that mom is not a good mom. I guess my point is just that many people make it sound like being in the same building as the kids = being a good mother. There's a lot more to it than that.

Now, before we get too carried away with this "adult fulfillment" thing, let me clarify: I'm not trying to say that having children isn't a noble and fulfilling endeavor, or that anyone should abandon their children's needs in favor of their own intellectual/recreational pursuits. In fact, I actually think that motherhood IS one of those things that can be fulfilling for me as an adult human being. But since I'm not the traditional quilts-and-cookies type, I need to be a little more creative in how I approach it.

When I start dreaming about careers and corporations, one thing that gives me consolation is knowing that it's easier to leave the home when the kids are old enough for school. Maybe I'll decide to work part-time. Maybe I'll decide to get involved with a volunteer organization. Maybe I'll take on some big project at home, like overhauling the garden or opening a small business with my husband. The options are endless. For me, it's still a few years away, so I don't know exactly what my situation will be.

I could go on, but I think I've made my point. Women are different, and every woman does not need to live her life the same way. Yes, you have a responsibility to take care of your children. But it is entirely up to you to decide how you will fulfill that responsibility.

[Unit of Energy]

One thing I think too many people forget is that in order to help the children, parents need to put their needs as a couple and as individuals first. Children are vastly important, but if you don't know who you are and what you want and need, how on earth do you expect your kids to figure it out. Yes you need to pay attention to your children, but they will only be there for a brief period of your life. You need to know who are before they come and maintain that knowledge and those interests while they are in your home so that when they leave you won't be suddenly floundering.

[krebscout]

I own and run a small business from home. Mostly during nap time or while my husband is watching our son. It's kind of crazy and stressful at times, but I don't think I would do things any other way, not for my family in our current circumstances. Being a stay-at-home mom is very important to me, but if I didn't have this business, I would be filling that time with some other intense hobby. Might as well make money at it.

[Dragon Lady]

I've spent a lot of time lately trying to figure out who I am and who I want to be in terms of doing stuff. I've been in desperate need of learning and growing. I've started gardening (which I did for 3 years while single, but not the last two years while married cuz, well, I didn't have space for a garden) which has been awesome. I absolutely love plants, so this has been perfect for me. I've been learning about Square Foot Gardening which has taken time and effort to learn about. But I know more about various plants than ever before. I love digging in the dirt and planting things. I've loved tinkering around on Numbers (Mac's spreadsheet program) to design a square foot garden. And I planned extra of a few plants so that I can try my hand at canning this fall. Even on the days that have been super hard, hot, and very tiring, I come home with a huge smile on my face. I am the most content and happy on the days that I can take a few hours and go work on that. And yes, it's hard when I have a baby that just wants to eat the rocks and dandelions if I take her with (it's at Brother's house) or if I have to find a babysitter or wait until Yellow is home from work. And sometimes that's really frustrating. But I also know it's just a short period until she's old enough to help out in the garden (or at least stay out of major trouble) and then I'll be able to teach her how to do something that can benefit her for life.

I've also been crocheting more. I've started making baby hats and stuffed animals. And no, they're not perfect. But I'm learning new things that make me feel so much more accomplished.

I've spent a whole heck of a lot of time on finances and learning more about budgeting, frugality, how to apply it to my family and the many benefits of living a bit more frugally.

I've also been working more on cooking. Not as much as I would like to, but still more than I have in the past. Even just planning a weekly menu and doing all my shopping at once.

And whenever I want to learn something more about a topic, whether it be how to get a baby to sleep, learning more about the female body, or square foot gardening, I've started checking out books at the library and actually have been reading them. I've never been a self-help book kind of person, but recently I've realized the vast knowledge out there on any topic that has interested me. I can be my own school if I want to. I just pick a topic I want to learn about, then I go learn about it.

And I've been reading more fiction. Nap times are great for things like all of that. I get 3-4 hours of Me Time every day. Sometimes, like now, I use that to catch up on Google Reader, the Board and the Board forum. Other times I use it to catch up on housework. Other times I use it for learning.

Unlike thebigcheese, I am a quilts-and-cookies type. But I totally agree with her when she says that you have to be creative about how you approach SAHMothering. You can develop your own personal self if you're willing to be a bit creative about how you do it. And even better if you, as tbc suggests, teach your children the same things as they grow.

I remember once hearing a guy in a previous ward talk about how his mom would set up field trips to see experts in action. One time they went to a very fancy restaurant and learned from the master chefs about various cooking techniques and such. He said that's when he decided that he wanted to learn how to cook. So his mom set up a program where each of the kids got to cook dinner once a week. She'd help them plan a meal, take them shopping, and teach them how to cook. She even learned new techniques so she could teach her kids. To this day he loves to cook and is quite excellent at it. I think that mom is awesome. I hope to be like her someday. Mothering doesn't have to be keeping your kids entertained all day and just making it through until Dad gets home. It can be exciting. It can be an adventure.