Less-than-Excited BYU Freshman

[C is for]

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The scenario in this question is very real at our house right now. (Actually, the girl in question is quite miffed at the possibility that someone in our family may have asked this question on her behalf. We're hoping that it's just a coincidence.)

Do any of you have advice for her? She's trying to have a good attitude and look forward to meeting new people* but I guess it would be helpful for ...

She doesn't even know what she needs (neither do any of us; we have fun times in our family). Someone to say that they didn't want to come to BYU either but they did? And they don't regret it?

One final anecdote to illustrate the seriousness of the situation: On Father's Day we wandered around BYU campus so she would be at least a little familiar with it. I was happy to be back at my old haunts. She walked behind us, crying. But she's made her choice and just needs to be happy about it. How can I help her do that?


*As long as they live in Helaman. She feels she needs to "lift where she stands" and not hang out with Heritage people. (We're just letting her say that now. She'll figure things out once she's there.)

[TheAnswerIs42]

I can vouch that I was adamently, stubbornly, against coming to BYU. Most of the time it was just that everyone in my home ward either went to BYU (90%) or was never heard from again because they went to another school and left the church. And so I wanted to be different, or at least get away from my ward youth (who were always "too cool" to spend time with me, and all going to BYU). I always said that I would never go unless it was free.

And then I got the scholarship notification.

I knew that it was Heavenly Father's way of putting me where I needed to be, and I have to admit I internally felt a bit . . . "two year old" about that. Pouted. Cried. Felt like rebelling.

None of that applies to the question, but that's my background.

Anyway, I hated BYU until I got here, and loved every minute of being there. I LOVED freshman academy and the dorms. It isn't for everyone, but for a person who needed a support system of friends quickly, it was a life saver. Some people call it friends for dummies. But you know what? It works. When you live near everyone who is in your classes with you, you find people to latch onto who are in the same situation you are in, and things are all better when you have people to hang out with. I am glad she will be in Helamen. I was in DT, may it rest in peace. But the same thing applies. Everyone I knew found a friend. Quickly. Might not be your roommate, but out of the large group you will be assaulted with, you will find someone.

As for scholarship, I was terrified of losing it. Terrified. I remember they had a meeting for the people with scholarships, and they tried to calm us down by saying that "don't worry, 89% of people keep their scholarships each year!" And I gripped the arm of my friend next to me and said "what happened to the other 11% ?!?" But you know what? Typically, the 11% (or whatever it is) that lose the scholarship made a clear choice at some point to put ___ before their classes. Fill in the blank yourself. Friends, dating, video games, you name it. They made a choice at some point to ditch the assignments, put off studying, and not care enough. The number of people that truly did their best and didn't keep their scholarship is very very low, by my estimation. If you want to keep your scholarship, keep that motto in your head, and you will be fine.

Also, just because you don't get the full thing upfront doesn't mean you will not have a scholarship the next year. I had full tuition, my husband didn't. But he never paid tuition: he got half for being a professor's son, and half was renewed every single semester for good grades. He was always worried he would lose it, but he kept up with his classes and it always came back.

Anothing thing that might relate. The original questioner mentioned not living up to siblings that have already been there. I felt the same way about not living up to my other ward people who had already been there. It is probably different within a family versus a ward, but honestly it didn't matter one whit once I got there. The campus is big. There are lots of people. And you will see the friends you knew before you came here as much as you want to see them. I had a new group of friends very quickly, and no longer cared if I wasn't as smart as so-and-so from back home. She was on the other side of campus, in different classes, and I had my own world.

By the way, what did you mean by "she doesn't even know what she needs"? Was that physical objects to bring, or what encouragement she needs to hear?

[NerdGirl]

Well, I'll tell you my story, and if you think it might help, you can share it with her.

The only person I'm related to who had ever gone to BYU before was my mom, and that was for grad school a long time ago. I wanted to go to Harvard. Really I just wanted to get as far away from my high school as I could. I applied to BYU also, and I applied for the Hinckley scholarship. I got into Harvard. There was no realistic way that I was going to be able to afford to go to Harvard without taking out massive amounts of loans, and I just didn't really know what to do. I was waiting to hear if I got accepted to BYU when I got a call from the scholarship office telling me that I was a finalist for the Hinckley scholarship and that they needed me to come down for an interview in a couple of weeks. So at that point I assumed that they were accepting me.

I was pretty iffy about the whole BYU thing, mainly because I felt like I was such an atypical Mormon, and none of the people my age in my ward even liked me, so I was really worried that I wouldn't make any friends. But when I came down for the scholarship interview, I was amazed at how different Utah and BYU were from what I was expecting. When I got back and they called me to offer me the scholarship, I figured that was a sign that I should go there.

So I went. And then my first year there all hell kind of broke loose. I started to get sick a lot, and I was missing classes, and my GPA ended up being a 2.19 after my first year. So I lost my scholarship for a year, then got it back for a year, then lost it forever because I couldn't bring my cumulative GPA up to a 3.5. It turns out that my illness all the years I was at BYU was related to my celiac disease that I didn't know about back then, but I eventually developed some coping strategies and graduated, then did a master's there, and now I have my PhD dissertation half-written. And my GPA wasn't too bad by the time I was done.

And as far as the people, BYU was where I learned that there were so many other people in the church who were like me. Some people were jerks. Sometimes some of my friends weren't very nice to me. Sometimes I cried in my professor's offices because things were just so hard and I was so sick and so tired. But I don't regret any of it. I'm actually glad that things were so hard, because I learned that failure isn't the end of the world and that it doesn't prevent you from doing what you want to do with your life. I learned that I can still be happy when some of my friends decide that I'm too needy and they need to stop talking to me. I learned that we can get over that and be friends again. I made friends there that I'll have for the rest of my life.

And I really, really love BYU and can't imagine having not gone there. So if you think it would help, tell your sister that even if everything goes completely, horribly wrong, BYU is still a wonderful place to be.

[Katya]

As for scholarship, I was terrified of losing it. Terrified. I remember they had a meeting for the people with scholarships, and they tried to calm us down by saying that "don't worry, 89% of people keep their scholarships each year!"

Are these the stats just for 4-year scholarships? NerdGirl implied that a 3.5 cumulative GPA was required to keep a 4-year scholarship, which is much lower than the GPA necessary to renew a full-tuition 1-year scholarship. (In my college, I think it was a 3.9 or higher.)

[C is for]

By the way, what did you mean by "she doesn't even know what she needs"? Was that physical objects to bring, or what encouragement she needs to hear?

She doesn't know what she wants to hear. I can bring up sometime that I have friends that hated the idea of BYU right up until they got there, and they still survived.

What we all really want to tell her is what she doesn't want to hear, and that's to just forget about it. Stop thinking about it all the time.

Had we known that it would be such an issue, we would've gotten her to sign up for summer term. She could be having a blast right this second!

I really appreciate the feedback you're giving here! There is hope for C4's Sister!

[C is for]

So I lost my scholarship for a year, then got it back for a year, then lost it forever because I couldn't bring my cumulative GPA up to a 3.5.

My other sister (who, it turns out, did ask the question on behalf of Freshie -- more fun times at our house) would like follow-up on this. As a Presidential Scholar herself, she was unaware that you could get your scholarship back. How did you do it?

[NerdGirl]

So I lost my scholarship for a year, then got it back for a year, then lost it forever because I couldn't bring my cumulative GPA up to a 3.5.

My other sister (who, it turns out, did ask the question on behalf of Freshie -- more fun times at our house) would like follow-up on this. As a Presidential Scholar herself, she was unaware that you could get your scholarship back. How did you do it?

Well, since the main reason for my bad freshman grades was bad health and my grades improved my second year, they decided to give it back to me my third year and they said that if I got my cumulative GPA up above 3.5 I could keep it the next year. But I only got it up to about 3.3 so I lost it again. I think it's just on a case-by-case basis that they decide, although this was in about 2002, and BYU seems to be in major money-saving mode right now, so I don't know if they would even consider doing something like that anymore. There was a whole appeals process and I gave them a letter from my doctor explaining my symptoms, but I think after several years of an undiagnosed mystery illness they were starting to think I was just trying to come up with any excuse I could. I don't really blame them for that, because a lot of people thought I was a hypochondriac until I found a doctor who figured out what was wrong with me.

[TheAnswerIs42]

Katya: Yikes, that meeting was in fall of 2000. I believe that it was all Heritage and Hinckley scholars, so four year folk. The 3.5 cut off actually seems higher than I remember, but maybe that was it. Honestly, the only part of the entire meeting that I have left in my brain was grabbing my neighbor and asking about the 11%. Otherwise I couldn't have even told you the meeting happened. I know my friend next to me was Hinckley, and I was Heritage. The room didn't seem big enough for everyone who got any kind of one year scholarship.

Maybe we need someone to actually call the scholarship office and settle these numbers, 100 Hour Board style?

[NerdGirl]

We must have been at the same meeting, 42, because I started in fall of 2000 and I remember a meeting like that. Crazy!

[Darth Fedora]

With my four-year scholarship, they told me I had to keep a 3.6 cumulative to keep the scholarship. I got it in 2007, though, so it's likely that the cutoff changed from 2000.
And you can add my name to the list of people who didn't want to come to BYU, were convinced they would hate it, and then ended up love love loving it once school actually started.

[TheAnswerIs42]

Nerdgirl: Awesome! Um, you don't remember a girl next to you grabbing your arm at that point, do ya? LOL. I don't even remember my friend's name, because we didn't have many classes together, but she was on my floor in U-hall. If you were her, THAT would be hilarious.
And can I just say that I am amazed you got in to Harvard? Wow. I remember talking with my friends in HS about "would you go to Harvard if you could get in", and even as the "top ten" nerds that we were very few us of even wanted to apply. The one who did was a genius (she's now a doctor), but didn't make it.
But the rest of your story reminded me painfully of my friend with Cystic Fibrosis, who quickly found that college professors are not nearly as forgiving about absences as HS teachers had been. It was terrible for her, and I am sorry you had to go through something similar.

[NerdGirl]

I actually remember that I went to that meeting with someone from my floor, so if you lived on the sixth floor of U Hall, it could have been you! I don't remember her grabbing my arm, but I vaguely remember her being pretty stressed out. And I can't remember the names of about half of the people on my floor because I didn't have any classes with anyone I knew my first semester.

And I'm pretty sure that the thing that really put my Harvard application over the edge was the fact that I come from a town of less than 2,000 people and all of the unique things I got to do in high school because of that. I helped teach ballet, I ran the town library by myself twice a week, I volunteered at the hospital and got to actually do stuff with developmentally disabled adults and not just hand out water in the waiting room, I was the student council president for two years (because no one else wanted to do it!), I had like 4 church callings, including working with an autistic kid in cub scouts, and a bunch of other random stuff. When I had my phone interview the guy seemed really fascinated by all of that. I had a good GPA and test scores, but so does everyone else who applies, and my school didn't have any AP classes or even any extracurricular stuff other than a couple of sports (and student council). My ACT score was actually the lowest of all of the other Hinckley scholar finalists, and some of them applied to Harvard and didn't get in. So if you ever move to a small town in the middle of nowhere and your kids hate it, tell them it might help them get into Harvard some day!

[TheAnswerIs42]

LOL!! Yup, that was me! Wow, that is hilarious. I don't remember your name, but I do remember your face. I just remember you were the only one I found on the floor who was going to the meeting, but then we didn't have any classes together, so I don't remember seeing you much after that, which made me sad. I feel rather bad to hear I was oblivious to not know you got that sick during the year. Weren't you in a single room too? I was next to the RA, so somehow in my head I had you in the singles on the other side of the building.

[NerdGirl]

That's so awesome that that was you! I always wonder what happened to the people from our floor. There's a handful that I'm friends with on facebook, and I'm really good friends with three people from our floor still, but it just seemed like I never saw half the people on our floor after orientation week because I had classes with no one. I was in the single room at the other end of the hallway. The people I still talk to on a regular basis are the girl who had the single room behind mine, the other girl physics major girl, and her roommate. And don't feel bad at all that you don't know how sick I got. I was very good at keeping it hidden, because at that point I just kind of thought I was crazy since the doctors didn't have any idea what was wrong with me! Our RA didn't even know. But wasn't that a great ward?! I think it set me up with some unrealistic expectations for singles wards after that.

If you would like to facebook stalk me, here I am:
Nerd Girl

[FauxRaiden]

I'm not sure how much of these little stories she wants to hear, but I may as well share mine.

So both my parents had graduated from BYU and my brother had been (still) going to BYU. By the time it was time for me to get to college, I was kind of lucky in that I was lazy in high school so I didn't even bother applying. Further down the line however, I got a lot of pressure to transfer from UVU when I was getting serious about my life.

I absolutely dreaded going to BYU, but the tuition was half off and I knew it was the only way I'd be able to afford college. So I put it all my papers, talked with admissions and finally found myself accepted. I was frankly horrified, I was hoping they would deny my admission and I could have the decision made for me but it wasn't.

In any case, my background is such that I'm not a particularly mormony mormon. I was not excited for the numerous rules, the extra religion classes, and the tougher environment. Now that I'm here though, I find it's not as bad as I once thought it was. The rules I still absolutely hate, and I hate that I'm forced into religion classes but the atmosphere isn't as bad as I was expecting. The people here are pretty friendly, and if you wanna make friends it's certainly not hard to do so.

Anyway, long story short it wasn't as bad as I was expecting. I still don't love it, but if said sister just keeps her head up she should be fine.