60040 - Favors

[Dragon Lady]

http://theboard.byu.edu/questions/60040/

Is this a common sentiment? I got out of this question a feeling of, "I don't ask for help; I don't give help. Hrumph." What do you guys feel about asking and giving favors?

[TheAnswerIs42]

I had a neighbor that I visit taught who bugged me in a similar way. She had HORRIBLE pregnancies - puking all nine months, practically hospitalized for the last few due to high blood pressure. But every month we would come over and she would refuse help. "Can I bring you a meal?" "Oh, no, my husband is doing all the cooking, so we're fine." "Can I come clean for you?" "No, my mom comes most days and helps me out." Et cetera, et cetera. That conversation took over a good 5-10 min of every visit.
I mean, I understand if things are taken care of, but . . . it made us feel like really crappy visiting teachers to be turned down on every single offer every single month, and know you are miserable the entire time between our visits. If you don't need a break, maybe your husband and your mom do.

As for me, I do get nervous asking people for favors, so I get really excited when someone asks me for one because I can ask them for one later and not feel as awkward. Like when I swap babysitting with other moms. Or borrow an ingredient from a neighbor on a Sunday when I start a reciepe without looking (like an idiot). I'll admit to being shy about asking for favors, but . . . life would be rather lonely if you didn't want to ask for or receive help from anyone ever.

[thebigcheese]

I do not like to ask anybody for anything, even if I probably should. Even if my mind tells me that nobody would mind helping me out, I refuse to ask for even the simplest of things, like a ride to church. I actually feel sick inside just thinking about it. I'd rather walk. I guess I'm fiercely (and stupidly) independent.

This basically summarizes my feelings on asking for help. Giving help, on the other hand, comes easily. I am generally open to providing any service that's reasonably within my capabilities.

Now, when it comes to borrowing my stuff...that's where it gets tricky. If something is really valuable to me, forget it. I consider my things valuable because I use them and rely on them, but I can't always afford to replace them if something happens. And generally speaking, the people who would be borrowing my things are in a similar financial situation and can't afford to replace them either. So I get really nervous about loaning out certain items, to the point where I often won't do it. Like my bike, for example. When my husband's at work, it's my only transportation. I treat it like my baby. And it's fairly valuable, so we can't afford to replace it. So I'm very protective of certain things. No one borrows my bike. Or my laptop. Or my audio equipment. We just can't afford the loss.

[ahem.]

If you ask me for a favor, I will bend over backwards to help you. I will gladly lend you anything you ask to borrow. I will cover your shift so you can take your final or fetch you a glass of water or go 20 minutes out of my way to give you a ride to that thing.

The catch is, you have to ask me. I feel really shy about offering things unless you bring it up first. Sometimes I bake up a storm and I have all sorts of delicious things lying around, and I think, I should take these to people! But then I somehow talk myself out of it thinking they will somehow resent me for it. And looking back, that makes no sense at ALL. But I can think of three separate occasions when something along those lines has happened.

As for asking for favors, I am really pretty hesitant about it unless you are a close friend. I worry that I will make people feel uncomfortable if they have to say no.

[TheAnswerIs42]

The catch is, you have to ask me. I feel really shy about offering things unless you bring it up first. Sometimes I bake up a storm and I have all sorts of delicious things lying around, and I think, I should take these to people! But then I somehow talk myself out of it thinking they will somehow resent me for it. And looking back, that makes no sense at ALL. But I can think of three separate occasions when something along those lines has happened.

ME TOO! I always feel so bad, since I don't help everyone as much as I probably should, but no matter what the situation I can't bring myself to shove my help on people. I always convince myself that they will think I'm dumb for it, or not like what I did, or whatever.

[Dead Cat]

Pretty much ditto to all of the above, only about me.

[Emiliana]

I've gotten a lot better at giving, asking for, and accepting favors since I've been overseas. I used to be pretty fiercely independent, but that doesn't work too well in my situation. For starters, my salary is entirely dependent on the generosity of others, so I spend a lot of my time when I'm in the States fundraising. Which is a bit hard on the pride, but I have to keep reminding myself that people *enjoy* giving to causes they believe in. And I don't have a car, so I have to ask my friends and coworkers for rides allll the time if I'm going somewhere where I can't ride my bike. Our household also doesn't have a backup source of electricity, so if power goes out for more than 24 hours I usually wind up showering and charging my computer at someone else's house. On the other hand, I'm also a lot more willing than I used to be to offer to babysit at the drop of a hat, to run someone else's errands while I'm out doing my own, to loan out personal possessions, to let virtual strangers stay in my house ... etc.

[Marduk]

Um, I'm pretty good at offering to cook for people?

[Unit of Energy]

I've learned to ask for help. I don't particularly like to, but I do. And it has improved my life quite a bit actually. One thing that has helped me to accept that I can't do everything myself is to think of letting them help me more as a service I can give them. And sometimes that is the only service I can provide. I love to help others, and will often do so without being asked, but sometimes it's nice to be asked.

[Waldorf and Sauron]

ahem.,

please come to LA to visit Krebscout and me and our kids. Cause we're asking nicely.

[ahem.]

Oh, alright. Since you asked nicely.

[Dragon Lady]

I'm often too nervous to ask for favors, but my view on that completely turned around last year when we moved here and I desperately needed a babysitter and I asked a newly-found friend and neighbor who kept offering to babysit. Her response floored me. "Oh yes! Thank you, [Dragon Lady]! Thank you so much for letting me serve you!" She made a point to thank me every time I asked her for help with something. It made me so much more willing to ask her for help when I needed it. I've noticed that she doesn't ask for help often either, so I'll sometimes insist that I watch her baby while she goes to do something. And when she asks for something, I try to be overly-enthusastic in my acceptance. In future, when people ask me to serve them, I want to be more open about thanking them for the opportunity. Just the sincerity in her saying that opened doors in our friendship that otherwise would have taken much, much longer.

When asked for favors I'm usually pretty much a pushover. I often pray for service opportunities, so when they're presented to me, I feel horribly ungrateful if I turn them down. (Unless I have a super good reason why I can't.) And I typically feel better afterwards.

That said, I'm still pretty much a shy person, especially with those I don't know, so I don't really know a lot of people to ask favors from or to give favors to. And even to those I do know, I have to really convince myself to leave my comfort zone to ask. But I'm trying to be better about it, considering that I desperately wish I lived back in the day when a neighborhood really did raise a child and that family lived next door and everyone just helped everyone. I figure that if I want that society back, I have to put forth the effort to make myself like that. And gosh dang it, it's scary!