#61289 - Independence from parents

[Dragon Lady]

No, Vorpal. You're not in trouble. I agree that that level of dependence on family is unhealthy. And I've seen it hurt people. Sadly, it's typically the parents that foster it. I know it's hard to let your kids grow up, but still folks, let them grow up!

Though, I have to point out that based on what you said, it sounds like if one person wants to move closer to family, it's unhealthy. If both want to move closer to family, it's fine. So… if I'm homesick, I just need to convince my husband that he's homesick, too, then we're healthy again! Woooo! I don't think that's what you meant (esp. since you described the symptoms as the real problem), but I definitely got that vibe a little. I think in that case, it's not necessarily the dependence that's the problem so much as the lack of communication and compromise. Granted, dependence on parents can make marital communication and compromise quite difficult.

Yes, Yellow and I love living near family and spending lots of time with them, but we are very dependent. In fact, his folks encourage us to be so. When we're there, his mom will defer to me when asking how I want something done for Dragon Baby. It's wonderful that she never pushes for her way. Half the time I have no idea what she'd do instead, simply because she always makes a point to do it my way. Even when I know she disagrees with something I do, she still supports it. (Like when I wanted to have a natural labor. She did natural with her last baby only, just to know what it was like and to say that she did it, but wouldn't recommend it, especially not for a first baby. When I did end up having a natural (well, pain med-free) birth, she raved about it to everyone she talked to and how awesome she thought I was for doing it. It made me feel fantastic.)

My parents learned long ago that I'm stubborn. So they just go with whatever scheme I'm currently operating on. I've only ever had them strongly advise against one thing, and that was a boy I was dating. Heck, that boy is still the only thing my mom and I disagree on. (Yellow and I are still friends with said boy, so he still comes up randomly in conversation.) I moved away from home when I was 18, moved out of the state when I was 21 and have lived in a different state ever since. Even though I'm constantly trying to convince them to move to Utah.

So… I'm rambling, aren't I? Man, I do that too often. Anyway, I agree with you Vorpal. I just want to make it clear that wanting to live near family and spending much time with them does not necessarily equate dependence.

[Katya]

I personally go through phases when I really want to make friends, and then phases where I give up and be a homebody.

I'm a very strong introvert, so I'm slow to make friends because I generally don't want to socialize.

[Laser Jock]

What I was referring to are couples I know where one of them wants to move back to Utah to be near family, and the other doesn't. Usually it is the woman who wants to move back.

I'm curious about this, because for some reason I too have the impression that women are more likely to want to stick close to home than men are. Is this consistent with others' observations as well? Or am I off the mark here? If others agree, why would women be more likely to want to stick close to family than men are?

(And vorpal, good point about the dictionary's definition of interdependent.)

[Unit of Energy]

I always kind of figured that I would live close to family when i get married, although usually in respect to living close to my husband's family. Not that I don't love my family and want to be near them, just that I don't really want to live in the state that they live in. Most of the men I've been interested in are close to their families and have families that are a lot closer geographically than my family anyhow. Neither of my parents live near their parents, although they both call their parents and siblings fairly often.

[UnluckyStuntman]

What I was referring to are couples I know where one of them wants to move back to Utah to be near family, and the other doesn't. Usually it is the woman who wants to move back.

I'm curious about this, because for some reason I too have the impression that women are more likely to want to stick close to home than men are. Is this consistent with others' observations as well? Or am I off the mark here? If others agree, why would women be more likely to want to stick close to family than men are?)

I would guess that your observation has something to do with the fact that many women around here get married young and have most likely not lived away from their families for any lengthy amount of time (if at all). Conversely, many of the young men marrying these young women have served LDS missions, and so perhaps they are more accustomed to being away from home and family.

[C is for]

I know for me, my dad hates the idea of me living more than, oh goodness, five minutes away. He's forever talking about buying the lot next door and building houses for all his daughters. I can't see him acting the same way for my little brother, though. I think there's a cultural thing of girls staying close to home and the men going farther afield, which is ... not how it worked historically, but whatever. Maybe I'm making that assumption up. (Wouldn't be the first time.)

I like to think I could move far away. I know I would miss my family, especially since I've actually been at home the last, oh heavens, two years and gotten used to having them around all the time. But I hope I'm not one of those girls that can't survive without my mom within hollering distance.

(And talk about independence, tonight I'm going over to a family's house where they all hang out together all the time, have always lived at home (except for the two years of missions for the boys), and don't see the need for outside entertainment. Needless to say, I am exceedingly flattered to be invited.)

[TheAnswerIs42]

Personally I think it is just because girls have stronger emotions, in general, and being attached to their parents is an emotional thing.

What unluckystuntman said made me laugh, however. We were backwards of that. I hadn't lived near my parents for a decade now, and it was a few years before I got married. But when I got married we moved my husband's stuff out of his parent's house and into our apartment. He did go away for a mission, but the boy still has yet to live outside this valley (minus mission, of course).

[Dragon Lady]

I also wonder if it has to do, in part, with raising kids. Mothers are the primary (not only!) nurturers, and let's face it. Kids are hard sometimes. I can't tell you the number of times I wished (and still wish) that my mom and/or sister lived within a 5-minute walk from me so that I could get help raising Dragon Baby. So I could take a nap after a night of no sleep. So I could get a second opinion on if I should take her to the doctor. To be able to grocery shopping at any time of day. To have cousins to play with (assuming it was my sister nearby). Instead I have to get by with phone call and chat advice. Then every once in awhile they'll visit and my wants are confirmed. Because it's everything I've been wanting, but only for a few days or a week.

[Laser Jock]

Personally I think it is just because girls have stronger emotions, in general . . .

Hm. I'm not sure I agree with this. Though I think it might be accurate to say that in our culture it's more acceptable for girls to show emotion, I hesitate to say that guys don't have emotions that are just as strong as girls'.

DL, what you say makes sense. I was thinking mostly of girls who were unmarried or recently married but childless, but if the couple has kids then what you're saying is quite possibly part of it.

[Dragon Lady]

DL, what you say makes sense. I was thinking mostly of girls who were unmarried or recently married but childless, but if the couple has kids then what you're saying is quite possibly part of it.

That's why I said, "I also wonder if it has to do, in part, with raising kids."

[TheAnswerIs42]

Sorry, LJ. You might be right for some people. What I said is certainly true in my family, so I was basing it on that. My brothers and my husband are not emotional people. Ever. When my husband told me he never cries, I kept wondering when something would come along in our lives to change that record, because I cry all the time. So it didn't make sense to me. But children were born, distant relatives passed away, and still nothing. But when his dad died two years ago and he still didn't cry, I gave up. I isn't that he doesn't care, it's just that he never actually lets emotions get to him. My emotions spill over when the kids spill something after a really long day. So . . . that's where I got that statement. But you are right, I shouldn't have made it so broad.

[Whistler]

What I was referring to are couples I know where one of them wants to move back to Utah to be near family, and the other doesn't. Usually it is the woman who wants to move back.

I'm curious about this, because for some reason I too have the impression that women are more likely to want to stick close to home than men are. Is this consistent with others' observations as well? Or am I off the mark here? If others agree, why would women be more likely to want to stick close to family than men are?

(And vorpal, good point about the dictionary's definition of interdependent.)

I don't know if it's a gender thing; it seems more connected to what your family's culture is like. I didn't live near relatives growing up, so it doesn't feel weird to me to live apart from my family. It might feel weird for my husband though, as he's been around extended family his whole life.

[thebigcheese]

I think my family is a bunch of saps...we all cry sometimes, except for my mom. I can't think of a single incident that has ever made her cry, at least not in front of her kids.

[Dragon Lady]

I think my family is a bunch of saps...we all cry sometimes, except for my mom. I can't think of a single incident that has ever made her cry, at least not in front of her kids.

My family are all saps. We all get it from my mom. Even my dad.

[stargirl]

My family are all saps. We all get it from my mom. Even my dad. :)

Your dad got being a sap from your mom? How did that work, exactly?

Anyway, reading this thread has made me appreciate how wonderful my parents are. I'm the oldest, and i'm aware of how much they love me, and i know how difficult it is to say goodbye to me every time they leave me on my own in Utah. But they are so strong and so determined to make sure i grow up independent and self-sufficient. I know it's been so hard for my mum, especially, to let me go, but she has, and i love her all the more for that. Hats off to great parents <3

Which reminds me, i've been meaning to call home. I think i'll do that right now. :)

[Dragon Lady]

My family are all saps. We all get it from my mom. Even my dad.

Your dad got being a sap from your mom? How did that work, exactly?

I'm guessing because she makes him watch chick flicks. The real tear jerker ones.

[vorpal blade]

What I was referring to are couples I know where one of them wants to move back to Utah to be near family, and the other doesn't. Usually it is the woman who wants to move back.

I'm curious about this, because for some reason I too have the impression that women are more likely to want to stick close to home than men are. Is this consistent with others' observations as well? Or am I off the mark here? If others agree, why would women be more likely to want to stick close to family than men are?

(And vorpal, good point about the dictionary's definition of interdependent.)

It has been my impression that in general women are more inclined to want to stay close to home. However, to be honest, my observations are skewed. Most of the couples I've known well moved to the area where I was living because the husband had a job offer there, or was going to school there. That's because of the kinds of places I've lived, and that I know best what is going on in the LDS families around me. For example, in the Washington D.C. area almost all of the LDS families I knew came to the area to work for the government. The wife went along because that was what the husband wanted to do, and was best for his career. Neither husband nor wife had family living in the area. The husband had career and school ties in their new home, but the wife didn't have any such ties. So, it is not surprising that she would be the one to want to move back to be close to her family. The husband had already weighed the issue and decided that career or education was more important than being near family.

For what it is worth, in India there is a very strong custom for the husband to take his wife from her home and bring her back to live in the home of his parents. It is almost unheard of for the man to go and live near her family. I think it has to do with property rights and occupations being handed down from father to son.

[stargirl]

My family are all saps. We all get it from my mom. Even my dad. :)

Your dad got being a sap from your mom? How did that work, exactly?

I'm guessing because she makes him watch chick flicks. The real tear jerker ones.

= RESPECT.