Help!

[Craig Jessop]

Okay, so my roommate's girlfriend set me up on a date with one of her friends... who is 28. I don't want to go, but it would be rude to cancel a date. Then again, I didn't plan it or even WANT her to do it. She said she would set me up with a friend, I gave a non-committal laugh, and I guess she took it from there. She just told me, "oh, and by the way, you're going on a date with this girl this weekend." I asked how old she was (my roommate's gf is 26), and she said "it doesn't matter, she looks 20!" Only after I was brutally annoying did she tell me the true age of her friend. Oh, and roommate's gf is from Peru, and my hot date is from Ecuador -- which irritates me, because I DO NOT WANT to marry a girl from another country, Spanish or otherwise. And gf kept going on about how good she looks and thought I was an idiot when I said I didn't care about how good she looks.

All of this was done without my knowledge or permission, yet roommate and his gf are insanely manipulative and my life would be hell if I backed out (gf because she is crazy and thinks I badly need a girlfriend to take care of me, roommate because he hates when I defy him).

Oh, and the date they planned for us to double on is WAY more than I can afford. When I mentioned this, they blew it off. Hey guys, not all of us work at the MTC making 15 dollars an hour.

What should I do?

[krebscout]

First, you're not going to marry her, so I hope you're not including her country of origin on your list of grievances to your friends.

Second, tell your friends that you do not have the money budgeted for this, and they either need to change the activity or you just plain can't go.

Third, go on the date and have fun. Then move on with your life and refuse any future offers to be set up on dates.

[UnluckyStuntman]

While I don't agree with all of your complaints, Craig, I can empathize with the cost issue. If you really can't afford the date, then as Krebscout said, your friends should change the activity or you should bow out of the date entirely. Be nice about it, but also be very clear with your friends what the issue is. "I really can't afford [activity], so we either need to change our plans, or I can't participate. Sorry."

[Katya]

Okay, so my roommate's girlfriend set me up on a date with one of her friends... who is 28. I don't want to go, but it would be rude to cancel a date.

I don't think it's rude to cancel an unsolicited blind date.

[NerdGirl]

Yeah, I don't think there's anything wrong with canceling it. You didn't plan it. You didn't ask her out. You can't afford it. For all you know, she's feeling the same way. If I remember right, I think you're about 21 or 22? Well, I'm 28, and while I have no problem being friends with people your age, the idea of dating someone that much younger than me would make me feel a bit creepy. Does she know about the age difference, or is she going to be surprised by it and potentially weirded out? This just sounds like not a situation you want to be in.

But you did say that your roommate is going to make your life hell if you back out (is the same roommate who does all the other weird stuff?), so maybe krebscout's idea of saying you'll go, but only if they change the activity to something you can afford. Then if the date is awkward and horrible, you'll have something to remind them of if they ever want to set you up again.

[Marduk]

I don't think you would be out of line, as has been said, to cancel or request a lower cost date. Complaining that you didn't request the date, or that you can't afford it, are perfectly reasonable complaints.

That being said, I think you are being terribly closed-minded to not want to go on a date with a girl who is older than you, or from a different country. To say you don't want to date someone you won't want to marry closes a lot of doors that you don't want closed, and honestly, I can't see any reason why you would be unwilling to marry someone a few years older than you, or from another country, if other things fell in line.

[Craig Jessop]

It's not close-mindedness when one has weighed the options and has chosen to reject their implications. I've seen plenty of both types of marriages and desire neither. It's not that they can't work, I'd just rather date and marry somebody from my own culture and around my own level of emotional maturity. So no, I'm not close minded. I just choose something different than you think I should, Marduk.

[NerdGirl]

See, I really get the age thing. It wouldn't be an issue if I were 38 and the guy were 31, but as a generally rule, I would like to date people over the age of about 25. Otherwise our life stages are just too different. It's much more about that than it is about the actual age difference. That doesn't mean I would categorically say no to ever dating anyone under 25, but if it happened it would probably be because I knew the guy first and we became interested in dating. If someone set me up on an unsolicited blind date with a 21-year-old, I would be like "What were you thinking? This guy is a college sophomore and is probably going to think I'm an old woman!" I think the big problem is that they just set you up with this girl without any regard to what you wanted or any thought about whether the two of you would have anything in common. All they seem to care about is that she's hot. Great basis for a potential relationship.

[C is for]

Here's my take. I'd go ahead and go on the date, since it's better than having to deal with your roommate for the rest of the year. But I would really make a sticking point on the amount of money it will cost. Say "I am okay to go, but I am not okay to spend that amount of money." And if they continue to blow it off, continue to bring it up! That seems to be the argument you've got with the most clout. Your other concerns, while valid, can be explained away as a personality flaw on your part. (Sorry.) I don't believe they're personality flaws, in fact I agree with you, but money is tangible. It can't be explained away.

But it just one date. If you go you can use it against your roommate's gf and her future attempts to give you happiness.

[Katya]

All of this was done without my knowledge or permission, yet roommate and his gf are insanely manipulative and my life would be hell if I backed out (gf because she is crazy and thinks I badly need a girlfriend to take care of me, roommate because he hates when I defy him).

It sounds like roommate & co. are already making your life pretty miserable, so it might be better to pick the confrontation. (I'm terribly non-confrontational, myself, though, so I can see not going that route.)

[Craig Jessop]

THE PLOT THICKENS

I just found out this poor girl doesn't know how young I am. The conversation went like this:

Me: "Why would a 28 year old girl agree to go out with some 21 year old punk kid?"
gf: "She doesn't know you're 21!"
Me: "You didn't tell her?!?!"
gf: "She didn't ask!"

[thebigcheese]

If someone set me up on an unsolicited blind date with a 21-year-old, I would be like "What were you thinking? This guy is a college sophomore and is probably going to think I'm an old woman!" I think the big problem is that they just set you up with this girl without any regard to what you wanted or any thought about whether the two of you would have anything in common

On a somewhat age-related note:

Before I graduated, I never realized how different it would feel to be a college graduate living in Provo. Walking across campus (which is rare these days), I feel like I'm walking through a sea of super young people. The people in my ward are always too busy to hang out with us because they're constantly worrying about tests and homework. My husband is in his career, dealing with bosses and coworkers...not professors and advisors. So, in lots of ways, it's hard to relate to students now. I mean, yeah, I've been there. I know how much school sucks. But now I worry about different things. So I think "life stage" can be just as important as age in some circumstances.

Also, I agree with Craig that marrying someone from another culture is ALWAYS a tough road to follow. I never wanted that for myself either.

[krebscout]

Nobody's encouraging him to marry someone from a different culture, or of a vastly different age. It's one date.

There's that whole "don't date who you won't marry" philosophy, but you can only take that so far. You can't know who you would and wouldn't marry until you get to know them, probably through dates.

Anyway, you do what you want Craig.

[Marduk]

Yes, do what you want. I still think, however, that you are close minded if you refuse to go on a single date with someone from another country because you are certain that you would never marry someone from another country.

Here, I fully admit my bias. On my mom's side of the family, every single one of them married someone from a different country (except the second wife of the youngest.) My brother did as well.

I also think it is closed minded to assume someone from a different age group will be at a different level of emotional maturity.

But you were asking for help with a specific problem, and I'm passing judgment about your life philosophy, and for THAT I apologize.

Anyway, my advice, talk your roommates into finding a cheaper alternative, then go on the date. One date isn't going to kill you.

[melbabi]

Random sidenote: My parents are from different countries and after seeing the difficulties that it has and still poses on them, I would very strongly prefer to not do that. I just think that in general, marriage is not easy and adding a culture piece to it complicates it even further. Does that make me close minded??

[Laser Jock]

melbabi, what kinds of difficulties do you mean? (If you're okay talking about them here.) I think your stance makes sense, but I don't have a clear idea of what kinds of difficulties, exactly, being from different cultures can lead to.

[Marduk]

It is close minded to think that all marriages with two people from different countries will necessarily encounter the same difficulties. Not everyone has the same cultural expectations of a marriage, not everyone from the same country engages in their culture to the same level, etc. Take, for example, my sister in law. She is Japanese, my brother obviously is not. The children live, pretty much, as I would expect any young American children to live. Other than learning a few words, they know and experience little of Japanese culture. They (my brother and his spouse) have been back to Japan once in almost ten years of marriage, and have no plans to return any time in the future.

Different people assimilate differently, and as time goes on, this sort of union becomes easier to make allowances for, both inside the marriage and out. So to categorically disallow the possibility of marrying anyone from another country just seems silly to me, on par perhaps with saying I would never marry someone who came from a rich family.

[thebigcheese]

It creates problems when each person wants to continue living according to their own culture. It affects everything from what foods you eat on a daily basis, how you decorate the house, what traditions you will continue, how to celebrate holidays, what language your kids will speak, how you interact with in-laws, importance of frugality, etc.

I mean, many those things are already an issue in other marriages. You have to compromise in all marriages. But couples coming from the same culture will have much more common ground to work with than multicultural couples. When you start mixing cultures, you are far more likely to have major differences of opinion.

[Marduk]

That's the conventional wisdom, yes. But what I'm saying is sometimes it is a huge issue, sometimes it is almost seamless.

[Imogen]

It creates problems when each person wants to continue living according to their own culture. It affects everything from what foods you eat on a daily basis, how you decorate the house, what traditions you will continue, how to celebrate holidays, what language your kids will speak, how you interact with in-laws, importance of frugality, etc.

I mean, many those things are already an issue in other marriages. You have to compromise in all marriages. But couples coming from the same culture will have much more common ground to work with than multicultural couples. When you start mixing cultures, you are far more likely to have major differences of opinion.

but all those things you listed can happen in a marriage with people from the same country.