Girl who isn't thrilled to be pregnant

[TheAnswerIs42]

http://theboard.byu.edu/questions/61960/

Hey, if this person reads this, can you PM me? I think Sky Bones gave a great answer, so I wouldn't try and add a comment on the board, but I would love to talk to the girl who wrote this. Most of this question sounded like exactly how I have felt at different points in the last few years, so if she is looking for someone to empathize, I would love to chat. Cause I would love someone who could empathize with me too.

[thebigcheese]

I'll be honest -- I'm not thrilled about the idea of having kids either. I try to convince myself that it's a good thing, but I haven't been very successful in doing so. Maybe the three of us can form a little support group.

[wired]

This is so interesting to me. (I hope this doesn't sound insensitive.) This is one of those instances which I can see logically what all of you feel, but it's totally foreign to me to feel that way. I still think you're all good people, for the record.

-wired, a boy

[Dragon Lady]

This is so interesting to me. (I hope this doesn't sound insensitive.) This is one of those instances which I can see logically what all of you feel, but it's totally foreign to me to feel that way. I still think you're all good people, for the record.

-wired, a boy

You're a boy? Seriously? I always assumed you were a girl. (I also don't keep up on who says "my husband" or "my female roommates" or whatever unless it stands out to me.)

[Marduk]

You certainly appear to have a penchant for getting these things wrong, DL. No offense.

[Dragon Lady]

[sigh] I know. Apparently I can't tell by writing style whether an author is male or female. At least not on an online forum. [fail]

[UnluckyStuntman]

I'll be honest -- I'm not thrilled about the idea of having kids either. I try to convince myself that it's a good thing, but I haven't been very successful in doing so. Maybe the three of us can form a little support group.

Count me in on this. The whole concept of motherhood terrifies me, and honestly Bad Astronaut and I hadn't considered having children until just recently. Now every month I panic at the thought that I could be pregnant, and when this proves to not be the case, I get seriously depressed. It's so confusing. I blame biology.

[Dragon Lady]

Now every month I panic at the thought that I could be pregnant, and when this proves to not be the case, I get seriously depressed. It's so confusing. I blame biology.

I have definitely gone through this mentality before. It is very confusing.

[UnluckyStuntman]

Now every month I panic at the thought that I could be pregnant, and when this proves to not be the case, I get seriously depressed. It's so confusing. I blame biology.

I have definitely gone through this mentality before. It is very confusing.

I'm so glad that I'm not the only one. I feel totally conflicted, like my hormones think its a great idea to make a baby, but my brain is going: "WHAT ARE YOU DOING???"

[Dragon Lady]

Mine was when we started trying for Baby #2. At least, not preventing. (Which in my mind is different from trying. No matter what that OB/GYN says.) I have this thing (which is totally my thing and I don't expect anyone else to live by it nor think I'm judging them if they don't) where I don't want to play God and decide when and how many babies come into my home. Which was easy enough when we first got married to just not use birth control, but after Dragon Baby was born, suddenly I realized that I had never considered timing between children. And my mental state at the time determined that there was no way I could have two babies 10 months apart or something. So much thought and prayer later, we determined when we'd stop preventing. And it was much earlier than I felt ready for. But I needed to trust God on it. (That's not a commentary on, "If we just trust God, everything will work out" so much as "at that point in my life, I realized that I needed more than anything to trust God on the timing of my children")

The first few months I felt absolutely nothing but relief when I wasn't pregnant. I was having a hard time dealing with Dragon Baby emotionally at the time and couldn't imagine going through it all again with the toddler in the house. But I knew I was doing the right thing, too. Then one time I really thought I was pregnant. I had all the symptoms. And I freaked out a little. And then I found out I wasn't and… was devastated. Which shocked me to death. Which happened for the next 2-3 months. (Yes, I thought I was pregnant each time.) And every month I would panic, then get seriously depressed. Those were a very hard several months. Now I've lost the panic and went the opposite direction. I'm sad every time my period comes, but have worked through it in a way that I don't get depressed about it (usually). I'm just trusting that God took me to my word and is just waiting for His time. And I'm just hoping that it's because he knows I'll likely go insane if I have lots of kids close together and is making me space them further apart.

And… this seems an awful thread to post this story. (I promise, I don't hate all you people who don't want to get pregnant!) I'll just end now that I feel I've broken all sorts of social barriers.

[Katya]

I don't think it's an awful story.

My brother and I are almost 10 years apart, so I've often thought I'd like to have kids that were really close together . . . like maybe 5 years apart.

[UnluckyStuntman]

DL, I'm really glad that you shared that, actually. It makes me feel less crazy for experiencing such contradictory feelings simultaneously. Not to say that I am in fact less crazy, but at least I feel that way for the moment.

[TheAnswerIs42]

Maybe I can elaborate, for wired's sake. The hard part about children is that they entirely overwhelm every aspect of your life. When going to the grocery store is not just the only time you have left the house in three days, but a long production that takes a half an hour to get out the door, you no longer have anything that resembles your life left. And that is hard. Some people adore preschool games and holding babies all day every day and -- you know what, I don't. I liked teaching high school math.

The thing for me is that I always assumed it would come- the burning desire that makes all sorts of people sob when they can't have all the kids they want. People talk about how the instant their kids were born, they just instantly loved them more than anything in the world, and . . . I honestly have never felt one iota of that. The most I have ever felt was resigned about having kids - never excited. When I found out I was pregnant I sobbed. When my son was born, I woke up the next morning and pondered how absolutely fine I would be if I never saw that strange being that was in the nursery just then and just went back to my job. I spent the rest of that day dwelling on what I should have been doing every ten minutes if I was at my job.

After my second child, I prayed about it and - while I normally hate people who tell God what to do - I told Him it wasn't fair to these children of his to be sent to a home where I wasn't happy to see them. I would never shirk my responsibilty to the ones I have, and I will do everything in my power to be the best mom I can to them, but it wasn't fair to me or them. I said that if more children were to come, I would need a change of heart where I actually wanted them. And when my daughter was 2, I felt like it was time to start thinking about another child - but without any change of heart like I had asked for. It wasn't that I desired another child, it just felt like I was being told what to do. And, quite frankly, that is why I can relate to the person who wrote the question. I have spent the last year hating every person/religion/spiritual being who I feel is pressuring me to have another child when I don't want to. I stopped praying, because I didn't want to feel impressed to do something against my will. Slowly most other church stuff has gone as well. It has only been in the last month that I decided that it isn't worth costing me my whole testimony over it, and my husband and I settled on starting to try again soon. I'm not happy about it, but every time I tried to commit to the decision to be done with having kids, I felt even more turmoil in my head. And so the peaceful feeling is all I can settle for now. I guess happy about it is too much to ask for.

And . . . I never thought I would actually admit most of that to anyone. But I guess what the original asker said really hit too close to home, so I would like her to feel like she isn't alone. Because she helped me realize that I'm not alone.

[TheBlackSheep]

You, my dear, are a very brave woman. Thank you so much for sharing.

Same goes to Dragon Lady.

[Tao]

Heh, forgive me if this seems tangential, it is not for me. This question hit me in a somewhat unique way, as I had just experienced a very similar desire, in reverse. I think having a kid would be about the best thing for me, though I have little-to-no desire to get married.

[UnluckyStuntman]

Wow, 42, that was really eye-opening. Thank you for being so honest and sharing with us.

Tao - can you explain a little what you mean by a child being the best thing for you? I'm not sure what you meant exactly, and I don't want to make any assumptions.

[thebigcheese]

Wow, I've never really met anyone else who feels like that. This is...kind of awesome. Thus far, I've come up with exactly two good things about children: they give you something to do for the next 30 years and they will most likely come to your funeral.

[Whistler]

Heh, forgive me if this seems tangential, it is not for me. This question hit me in a somewhat unique way, as I had just experienced a very similar desire, in reverse. I think having a kid would be about the best thing for me, though I have little-to-no desire to get married.

If you want a good excuse to have a pre-teen to hang out with, 4-H mentoring is a good bet: http://utahcounty4-h.org/htm/mentoring/ Less commitment than having a child, but enough contact to not forget what kids are like.

Full Disclosure:My husband is a 4-H mentor.

[Tao]

Tao - can you explain a little what you mean by a child being the best thing for you? I'm not sure what you meant exactly, and I don't want to make any assumptions.

Well. Much of it comes down to personality and personal philosophy. I am not altruistic enough to live for the world, nor materialistic to care about acquiring stuff. I enjoy learning for learning's sake, but all the learning in the world doesn't do much, in the end. Career-wise, I draw blanks. While I pursue the topics that interest me and/or come naturally, such pursuits are, in every way, academic. On the off chance that I somehow prove to do something above and beyond expectations, all that would mark my existence is a footnote in a textbook. Odds are, I won't even rate that. Having a child is a tipping point though; where suddenly even a backwater 9-5 has meaning: putting bread on the table. Sure, it is work, and hard work at that, raising a child is likely the hardest thing ever asked of mankind; your personal wants, freedoms, pursuits and restful sleep are put in abeyance for the sake of someone who isn't likely to ever know what you've given them. And yet, every morning you have someone to wake up for, to go to work/school for, to do all the things you want and all the things you don't want to do that make up living for.

As I've said, this is my personal philosophy, it is not one-size-fits-all. There are many others that work perfectly fine for other people. Unfortunately for me at this time, this is the one that fits me best.

[TheAnswerIs42]

Thus far, I've come up with exactly two good things about children: they give you something to do for the next 30 years and they will most likely come to your funeral.

I can give you a few more good things about kids. I have discovered that they really are good for my marriage. It gives us a task to be unified on together, and when we get vacations away from the kids I honestly notice a difference. I think my husband and I have always had a wonderful relationship, and while we have (of course) have had arguments about kid-related things, they are much more often a source of amusement and laughter.

But one of the most compelling, to me, is that I can see how important the lessons are for me to learn. Heavenly Father wants us to learn what it is like to be parents, because being parents teaches us a lot of really important things. Patience gets a new meaning when you've told a child something multiple times every day and they still don't understand, for example. Giving of yourself to others is another lesson rather forced upon you. There are lots of ways to learn each of those lessons in life, but there are a lot of lessons to be learned by having a child.