To a wife hurt by pornography (#62368)

[jeffa]

A while ago, a question was asked (http://theboard.byu.edu/questions/62368/) in which a wife who recently discovered her husband’s long-running pornography addiction expressed the pain and difficulties that she was feeling because of it. Marguerite St. Just responded, quoting from a friend of hers who was kind enough to take time to give some advice to this sad, hurt, and anonymous person.

I have been addicted to pornography for a long time. My wife and I struggle with this daily. We disagreed with many parts of the response and, through many hours of prayer and discussion, came up with our own response.

Unfortunately, this response is very long. As with most life-impacting subjects, reasonable discourse on relationship dynamics within an addiction to pornography cannot be boiled down to a few paragraphs. This was way too long to include as a comment, so I am posting it here. It is painfully long. But perhaps that'll be a good thing; only people who are intimately affected by pornography will have the fortitude to read it.

It must be pointed out that we are not telling people how to recover. The thesis of this response is not “this is how I recovered from pornography addiction and how you can too!!1!” It is a warning against an attitude that will canker and destroy relationships that are affected by pornography. Our response is about relationship dynamics, not how to recover. We hope that it is useful to someone out there, whether it’s because they agree or disagree.


 
Dear sad, hurt, and anonymous,

This is a long answer to a very difficult question. My wife and I have put many hours of discussion, prayer, and work into this answer. We hope that the length of the answer does not put you off and that the answer is helpful for you and your husband. I am not good at formatting on this board. This formatting is ugly, and I apologize.

Introduction
My name is Jeff, and I have been addicted to pornography for about 14 years. I have been married for about 4 years. I was forthcoming with my wife about my addiction before we got married, and her brilliant influence in my life helped me avoid pornography for many months before we were married and for some after. Eventually, however, I returned to my old habits.
My wife discovered my addiction about a year into our marriage. Since then we have made many changes, and our marriage has taken on new levels. We have had many dark times and much sadness. We have spent countless hours crying together until we had no more strength to cry and barely enough to hold on to each other. However, we are improving.

Now, I don't know you, and I don't know your husband. I can't give you personalized information. Even if I did, it may not be useful for you. So, one option is to give nothing. Another option is to tell you the best I have. I have chosen the second option.
I will tell you things that would have helped my wife and me when we started down our path of recovery from my addiction to pornography. So, during this letter I might say something such as "He needs this and that." Now, that's rather audacious; I don't know what he or you really need. But I'm giving you the best that I can, based on what has happened in our marriage.

Logistically, I will first address the questions you pose. Then, I will talk about an underlying tone that I am worried about. Finally, I will include what my wife wrote in response to a couple of parts that were important to her.

Questions
Question: What are the implications of the fact that my husband lied to obtain a temple recommend and was unworthy to marry me in the temple?
Honestly, I don’t think that it is productive for you to worry about it. First of all, I would hesitate to declare him unworthy of marrying you. Church officials haven’t said to bishops that “people who have problems with pornography are not allowed to have temple recommends.” Knowing a bit about the church’s Addiction Recovery Program myself, I know that there are many people who are allowed to obtain a temple recommend and be married even if they’re struggling with pornography and are open to their bishops about it.
True, he lied (maybe? I don’t know if he did), and that’s certainly bad. However, remember that many people (including, perhaps, you) answer “yes” to questions about worthiness in their temple recommend interviews when it’s really not true. For example, many people say that they were honest with their fellow man for two years. Really? Perfectly? Nothing short of absolute perfection? Remember what Gospel Principles says: “Whenever we lead people in any way to believe something that is not true, we are not being honest.” Are we really saying that in the last two years we have never let someone believe something that wasn’t quite true because it was slightly convenient for us? That we’ve never told someone only half the truth? That we never lied about something, anything at all? That we’ve never tried to make something sound better than it really was so that something else came out in our advantage? When you get down to specifics, most people say “sure, I may not have told the whole truth, but it wasn’t very important.” What they mean is that they’re somewhat trying to be honest (I intentionally do not say “trying their best” because they’re not), that they think that the times where they haven’t been perfect were not important enough in their minds to disqualify them from the temple recommend, and that they’d rather not tell the bishop about the entire situation with Aunt Myrtle right now, thank you very much.

So, what are the implications that he was looking at pornography during the period of time in which you two were married? Well, what would be the implications if your sealer ended up cheating on his wife the day after he sealed you? What if he cheated on her the day before? What would be the implications if the sealer had said the wrong words? What would be the implications if you happened to have spent some free time entertaining yourself during the 6 months before your marriage when you had promised that you would dedicate all of your time and talents and material possessions to the Lord? What are the implications if, perhaps, you might not have been keeping your temple covenants super well?
Who cares? What you have control over is what you are going to do differently tomorrow than you did today.
It’s not useful to spend time and energy trying to figure out if your sealing has been "broken" or if the Holy Spirit of Promise “rescinded His sealing” or never gave it because of this thing or that action or that other time that such and such happened. No matter what we theorize, the judgment is out of our hands. We should use that time to improve our marriages.
I'm not saying that you're hunting for a reason to be mad at your husband, but if you are looking for a reason to be mad at your husband, that’s fine. You’ll find a lot. You can throw this one on the pile as well, if you think that’s helpful towards whatever goal you’re trying to obtain. It is not productive to think about the implications; it is productive to think about what you can do to help your husband and improve your marriage (if you want it to continue) or dissolve it (if you don’t want it to continue). There is no reason to hang out in-between.

Question: Is it unreasonable to expect him to TELL me from this point forward if/when he slips up and goes back to his old habits?
You ask if it is unreasonable to expect him to come and tell you when he's had trouble. Honestly, to a significant extent, it depends on your agency.
Now, before I move on, we must straighten something out. This problem is not caused by you. Even if you were mean and nasty to him all your marriage, that does not make you responsible for his actions; it was his agency that brought on the problem. Nevertheless, you still have your agency, and you are still responsible for the actions that you take. His poor choices do not give you a free pass to use your agency however you want to without being responsible for what you say or do. If you are mean or unkind or unforgiving or anything negative, you can never claim at the last day that your husband’s actions “drove” you to act that way or “made you so angry” or anything like that. You have your agency; you are responsible for your actions, even now.
So, you asked if it is unreasonable to expect him to come and tell you when he's had trouble, and I said that it depends on your agency to a significant extent. Why would it? Well, let's try some thought experiments.
Imagine that every time your husband were to come to you and talk with you about his difficulties with pornography during that day, you punched and kicked him until he passed out. Would it be unreasonable to expect him to come and tell you when he's had trouble? Yes.
Now imagine that every time he were to come to you and talk with you about his difficulties with pornography during the day, you stopped having sex with him and gave him the cold shoulder. Would it be unreasonable to expect him to come and tell you when he's had trouble? You think about it and come to your own decision. My wife will talk a bit about her feelings on this subject towards the end of our response.
Finally, imagine you were raising a child. You discover that this child did something that you don't like. So, you confront him (the child) and use words and body language that make him feel sad, broken, dirty, and vile. Then you say "and you know what? You'd better come and tell me yourself next time. And make it fast!"
He's not going to come to you the next time that he's done that thing that you don’t like. You've made it a hostile environment. He knows that he'll just be hurt more by coming to you. There's no incentive; no positive reinforcement.
So, your agency plays some role in the reasonableness of expecting him to come to you with a problem. If you want your husband to come to you, then the experiences that you have when he does come to you need to be strengthening (in a minute, I'll tell you why I didn't use the word "good" here) experiences. He has to want to come to you. It needs to help him.

Your husband says that he couldn't promise that he would come to you. You say that this hurt you very badly. I am sincerely sorry for your hurt. I see it differently; I applaud him for his honesty. I was not as honest with my wife. I said that I would go to her but I knew that I wouldn't, because I was afraid that it would be a negative experience.
The first few times that I screwed up after my wife and I said that we'd have these discussions, I didn't go to her. I was afraid. What if she glared at me? What if she called me stupid? What if she said, with words or body language, that she regretted marrying me? I could never handle that. What if she made me feel worse than I already did? I didn't need any help feeling like a broken, useless, horrible person.
Gradually I tested the waters. I became more honest with her because she did a good job in these talks. I found that talking with her helped. Now, when I screw up, I look forward to talking to her. I yearn for it. I need it; I need to get it off my chest and I need to feel her holding me.
As a small logistical note, in the beginning it was helpful for us to change the vocabulary a bit. It was easier for me to say "I had a hard time on my goal today" than it was for me to say "I chose to look at pornography today." We both knew exactly what it meant, but it used to be easier for me.
After much time, I found that talking with her about my temptations before I fall helps. Now, if in the morning I feel myself itching to screw up and look at pornography that day, I tell her so. Why? Isn't it humiliating? Maybe a little, but that feeling comes from me; she doesn't humiliate me. She encourages me, loves me, and helps me. And you know what? It's a lot easier that day. If, when I told her that I felt itchy to look at pornography that day, if she were to say "well gosh darnit Jeff, why do you still have problems with this? Do you not love me? Are you too weak? Do you not respect the covenants that you made before God Himself?" then I would have a much harder time that day, and I would stop talking with her about it in the mornings.
Currently, I tell her every day how I did on my goal of not looking at pornography. I even record it on a sheet on our bathroom wall, under the discreet title of "goal" right next to my weight. Why this openness? It helps, because she makes it a positive experience.
Now, I didn't say that your discussions should be a "good" experience because sometimes there is enormous sadness in these discussions. Sometimes they take hours. The purpose of the discussion is not to convince him that he doesn't need to change or to lessen the gravity of the choices that he’s made; it's to face a salvation-threatening problem together, as one.

Question: What can we do to begin to rebuild the trust that was broken?
One thing that helps build trust is if you trust him to come to you if he's had problems with pornography instead of you combing through digital records to try to catch him. Though we did not always do it this way, my wife does not now search my internet history. She does not look for it, and that helps me immensely. She offered trust, and it gave me something in which I could be honest with her even when I had screwed up that day.
For a time, we decided that she should be the policeman and check my internet history on all four computers every day. This was a stupid idea. If you have done something that you’re ashamed of, it does not make you feel better to see the person that you love most actively searching to find evidence of your screw up. Furthermore, if you haven’t done that terribly shameful thing, it is very painful to see the person you love most searching your history, probing to see if they can catch evidence of your problems instead of letting you tell her.


The last couple questions are about the impact on and interaction of sex and your husband’s addiction. I do not feel like advice coming from a man will help you here, but my wife is willing to share with you her thoughts about it. I will paste in her response at the end.

Togetherness
Now I will discuss the idea of working on this together. This is extremely important.
You say that you yearn for someone to talk to, and that you are considering going to your bishop. I won't tell you whether to go to your bishop or not, but I want to strongly encourage you to satisfy this need with your husband. You are eternal companions.
It is not unreasonable to think that you two will have to face many, many more incredibly difficult experiences together in this life and the next. It may also not be unreasonable to think that perhaps some of these painful experiences might come from actions made by you just as this one comes from actions made by him.
But this is the important part: it doesn't matter who does the actions that cause pain. You two are one. You must work through this together. Yes, perhaps you can use outside resources. But your greatest strength needs to come from your marriage.
This is a chance for you to grow together, to acknowledge each other’s faults and problems and to show by your actions that you will work through them together instead of leaving each other alone to thrash through their pain until they're worthy again of your love.

You say that you feel alone, and I have absolutely no doubt that you do. You should also know that we addicts feel very alone. It is horrible to live life fearing that someone will stumble upon accidentally uncleared internet history, it is cankerous to one's happiness and sanity to have little voices taunt you when your wife says "you're such a good man" because she just doesn't know what you really are like, and it is very isolating to always think that your wife wouldn’t smile at you the same way if she only knew your whole truth.
That being said, it is important to emphasize that these negative effects were not imposed upon the person. These are the effects of the choices that we addicts have made. The point is that addicts often know very well what it means to feel alone.
Now, we're not comparing your "aloneness" to his. It is useless to try to compare "aloneness." The important thing is that both of you, two people who have vowed before God to love and support each other through everything, are sleeping next to each other (hopefully) while both are feeling alone. So use each other! Face this together! Don't face each other as if you were dueling; face this problem together, shoulder to shoulder, hand in hand.

If you're not careful, he will get this impression from you:
"You are broken. You have made grave and terrible mistakes, mistakes that I never would have. You are dirty, unworthy, and untrustworthy. You have some things to work out with God. You broke things; you must fix them. It is your responsibility. When you have done that, I'll be there. I'm patient. When you come crawling back, I'll take you back. I'll love you then. I'm waiting."
I would encourage you to do everything that you can to keep from giving him this impression. With every "you" and "I" in those sentences, you'll drive wedges between you and your husband.
Christ does not do this. Christ does not stand on a pedestal and wait for us to drag ourselves through mud, clean ourselves off, and kiss his ring while we bow to Him.
Christ comes to us. No matter where we are, He seeks us and extends to us pierced hands that are a testament to us about how much He's willing to do to work with us so that we can become whole again.
I would encourage you to make this your model. Don't distance yourself from him; don't withhold your love or use sex as leverage. Work with him, support him. Don't make him feel like he has to crawl back to you. Crawl with him back to the Savior. Work together.

I will never say that you should not focus on building your relationship with your Savior, but be careful. I saw a marriage destroyed while the wife was busy building her relationship with her “savior.” I’ll illustrate this with an imaginary scenario: Suppose that before you discovered this problem, you and your husband were very close. You would talk all the time, gleefully discuss with each other your difficulties, happinesses, joys, laughs, and sadnesses. Then, you discover this problem. You say “the solution is for each of us to develop our relationships with our Savior.” And here comes the bad part: you disengage from your husband. You start trying to make yourself more righteous, to do your scripture study and stop thinking about gossip and anything else to feel that you’re doing well. Your husband lies there, alone. When he tries to connect with you, you say “Oh, you’re still here. I am much closer to my Savior than I used to be. I’m better now at this and that and this other thing; it’s amazing how much I’ve spiritually matured. How are you doing with your thing? Is it gone yet?”
You must not do this. You must work together. Those who take this attitude are fooling themselves; Christ did not go around spiritually maturing himself. If we were coming closer to Him, we would be even more engaged with our spouses, not less.
You said that, at the time of writing, your husband was currently making a plan to deal with it. I am sad that so much time will have passed by the time you will get this, if you ever do. You should be working on a plan together. You must do this together. Do not give him the impression that you’re abandoning him until he gets his act together.
When the dreaded moment comes and the addict is having troubles wanting to look at pornography, there's a world of difference between imagining one’s wife cheering you on with all her heart as opposed to an image of her tapping her foot with her arms crossed.

In your couple prayers, pray for him. But do it sincerely. It really helps me to hear my wife pray for me in a sincere, humble, and supportive voice. I’m sure that you know enough about social interaction to know that you can say the same words in different voices. For example, you could pray for your husband in a voice that means “we both know that we have sinned. Jeff has made mistakes and we are both very sad because of it. But he is a good man; be patient with him. Forgive him. I forgive him. See the good in him, as I do, and help us to be clean and happy together.”
It would be incredibly painful for me to hear her pray in a voice that means “Jeff screwed up again, as I’m sure you’re aware. He’s not stopping. I also have sins, but nothing in comparison to what he does to our relationship. Will you help him hurry up this repentance process a bit? I’m getting tired of it. Oh, and also help me to have patience with his stupid choices that ruin our life.”
If you didn’t decide when you married him to stay with him through anything (this pornography thing is horrible and destructive. It is also a part of that “anything.” In fact, it’s probably one of the lesser members of “anything.”), then decide now whether or not you are going to stay with him through anything.
If you choose to stay with him through anything, then jump two feet into the deep end, go all out and work on it together. Abandon your self-entitlement (if you have any), release all desires you have of retribution towards him (if any), forgive him, jump into the mud with him (don’t look at pornography though) and push with him, shoulder to shoulder. Either leave him or get in the trenches with him. Halfway inbetween, such as saying that he has to get his act together before you “can” love him like you used to, is a farce.

Quick note: we’re not exactly sure how to word this argument. We think it’s a valid point, but someone could lump abuse and murder into “anything.” So, maybe when you marry, you don’t mean “anything,” you mean “most things.” I guess you have to decide whether pornography is included in the “anything.”

Don’t use his addiction to pornography as leverage. Ever. Don’t ever get in any situation in which you get anywhere near saying something that even closely resembles “I know we don’t need a hummer, but I’ve just had such trouble being happy lately because of …well… you know.”
In the world of politics this type of information would be ammunition, a trump card, or something that you pull out when you really want something else. Never use it that way. In fact, tell him that you won’t. It’ll keep him from having to worry about it.

Two Tools
Before I finish, I’d like to share two tools with you that help me immensely.
The first came from a time when I screwed up. I mentioned that “if only she had been there to talk with me, it would have helped me keep perspective and not fall to temptation.” Well, she can’t be there all the time, but she did write me a letter. It’s a short one, it fits on a page. I keep it in my wallet. When I’m feeling like I want to screw up, I read it. In it she doesn’t chew me out; she encourages me and tells me why she loves me. It’s very helpful.
Secondly, I cannot emphasize how much I think that you need to install internet filters. I work on Windows and Linux. I, unfortunately, have developed some moderate skill at getting around filters. However, I cannot get past my current setup. In Windows, we have installed a filter called “K9 Web Protection”. It is free. It is a good filter, but you have to make sure that the addict doesn't have a user account with administrator privileges. On all of our four computers, my wife has the administrator account and I have a normal user account. The occasional inconvenience of not having administrator privileges is a small price to pay for the protection of no access when the desire comes.
In Linux I recommend dansguardian. However, it’s very difficult to set up.

Conclusion
I understand that you feel very hurt. I understand that you feel betrayed. But remember, of you it is required to forgive all men, even your husband. Do not take this opportunity to be mean. Do not wallow in anguish. Do not hang this over his head. Do not extort him with this. Do not drag out your grief and lumber around dejectedly because you want him to feel pain. Resist the desire to get “revenge” on him by trying to make him feel as bad as you think you do. Forgive him.
Remember this: because of the law of Justice, your sins, however dark- or light-grey you may imagine them compared to his “dark black” sins, equally prevent you from returning to God’s presence. You are unclean and disqualified just as he is unclean and disqualified. It doesn’t help you to start squabbling about who is “more unclean.” Realize that you both need the Savior, individually and together. Realize that the Savior requires you to forgive as you would like to be forgiven. You need the atonement just as much as your husband.
The Savior does not beat you over the head with your bad choices. He does not bring them up over and over, to remind you that He, the Lamb of God, had to bleed from every pore, to suffer both body and spirit and to cry out in agony of unimaginable pain in order to give you the opportunity to be cleansed of the choices that you have made that would otherwise permanently separate you from God forever. You feel pain because of what your husband has done. Remember that the Son of God felt pain because of what you have done. Try to be like Him; forgive and help. Dismiss the blame and anger and bitterness as you would a gnat.
Now is your time. This is your chance to show that you really will forgive as you would like to be forgiven. That isn’t just a nice statement in church. Now, in this moment, is where you show whether or not you believe it.
Think of a time 10,000,000 years from now. Assuming that you have made the choice that you want to be your husband’s eternal companion, how do you want you two to think about this period of your relationship? Do you want to look back and remember that this period of your lives was tough, but that you were able to make it through and grow together because you were supportive of each other, forgiving, and loving? Or will you be ashamed and try to encourage each other not to think about it?
Will this be the time that defines (until the next big hurdle) how much you two were willing to do to remain together, to support each other, and to grow into an eternal companionship? You will answer that question by the actions that you take right now, this moment, when you get up from the computer and talk with your husband. You have already answered it for many days, but you can always change your answer if you want to. Thank God for the time that we have been given to show our answers to these difficult questions.

This is not going to be easy. There will be many hard times. Be patient with him. There have been times in our marriage when we can’t even have sex because I’m trying so hard to avoid thinking about pornography. Pornography has ruined dates, it ruins the playful looks that we give each other, it comes up in the worst of times. It is without a doubt the worst thing that has ever happened to us.
But, this is what we came to earth for: to have experiences, or to learn from our own experience the difference between good and evil. You two have found evil. This is the first real test of the strength of your marriage. I bet that in this life and the life to come, you will have many more. I plead with you to work together to overcome it. You need to be each other’s greatest assets, your best resources and your best friends.
-jeff

Jeff’s Wife’s Part
I am the wife of a wonderful man. He is addicted to pornography. I hope some of my words might be helpful to you. Pornography most definitely affects the addict's spouse. You will feel hurt and betrayed, alone and confused. However, you have covenanted to love and support your husband.
Marguerite St. Just’s friend (who was very nice to take time to contribute) said that “Remember, this is about you too. He has made choices that have affected YOU and YOU have the right to talk to someone about this whether he accepts that or not. YOU NEED HELP.” When I first discovered that my husband had an addiction to pornography, I read many statements similar to the one referenced above. I found that statements such as these were not helpful for me. They made me feel as if I was the victim, that I could feel as mad as I wanted, and my anger was justified because look what my husband did to ME.
This attitude is very harmful. You have just as much agency as your husband and you will be accountable for how you respond to all situations. Your husband is addicted to an awful thing, but he does not look at pornography so that he can make you feel sad or to spite you. He likely does not want to make you sad and this may be one of the reasons why he does not want to tell you when he slips- because he knows his actions will make you sad. I found it helpful to have the attitude of “I feel really sad right now and my husband is not making good choices and I feel hurt. My husband probably feels this way too. Let’s talk and see if we can help each other.” Be honest in your feelings and needs, but avoid blaming- you are not trying to prove who is the better person. You are trying to support and help each other because you love each other. Focusing on poor ME, ME, ME does not lend to being compassionate to your spouse's needs.

About pornography and sex: You mentioned that you’re not interested in sex and ask about when you are interested again, how can you avoid feeling like you are just filling an addictive need.
Sex is the greatest demonstration of love that can exist between a married couple. When you have sex with your spouse, you show that you are united, that you will work through things together, and that you deeply love each other. Even though your husband is addicted to pornography, I imagine that he loves you very much. He struggles with a great sin, but that sin really probably has nothing to do with you. He was addicted to pornography before you knew him, he probably hoped to be able to give it up when he married you, but remains addicted. His addiction probably has nothing to do with your attractiveness or your ability to please him sexually.
Even though you might feel like your husband has cheated on you and is being secretive, it is crucial that you decide if you really do still love him. Determine if you can look beyond his sin and see the man that you love. Decide if you are going to love and support him and do all that you can to be helpful instead of hurtful or if you are going to give up on him.
If you decide that you do love him and want to be by his side and to work together on the things that he struggles with, then it is very important that you show him that you love him. One very good way to show him this is by having sex. Sex should not be used as a prize that he gets for doing a good job not looking at pornography. This communicates that you only really love him when he does not make mistakes.
I’d like to give you an example of a different situation. I do not mean to diminish the seriousness and evil of pornography with this example, but thinking of specific scenarios really helps me when I am struggling. Suppose that you really struggle with gossiping. Your husband hates it and loathes when you talk badly about others. You know that it is wrong, but you continue to struggle. Suppose that you really feel loved when your husband kisses your forehead and he does this often. However, whenever he finds out that you gossiped, he refuses to kiss you for days. You feel sad that he doesn’t show his love when you make mistakes. You really try to get better at not gossiping, but when you choose to gossip, your husband withholds affection. If you were unable to give up gossiping right away, it would get really tempting to not tell your husband when you gossiped because you didn’t want to feel alone and have him reject expressions of love.
From my experience, your husband will be more motivated to change when he knows that you are right by his side to support him and love him. Sex is the ultimate expression of love that you can show to him. Sex should not be lowered to the status of being a reward; it is the ultimate expression of love, commitment, and oneness. Your love and support will be essential to his recovery, and it is difficult to tell him that you love and support him while you refuse to have sex with him.
-jeff’s wife
 

[Katya]

Thank you both for being willing to share this. I feel like I've learned a lot about the atonement from reading it and I hope that people who need to find this message will be able to do so.

[TheBlackSheep]

Thank you thank you thank you for being willing to share. I found personally applicable parts in this and I'm single. I really appreciate your being open about this difficult topic.

[Seb]

I was very impressed by the answers given by MSJ and her friend. I am grateful for your responses as well, because I felt you both filled in the gaps perfectly and clarified some concepts. Yes, it was long, but very much worth it. I found myself wishing it was longer.

Concerning the idea of the spouse wanting or needing to talk to someone, I personally feel that the truth is somewhere in between the two perspectives given as I interpreted them (and I probably misinterpreted them). It is natural for the spouse to be deeply hurt and I disagree with the notion that he or she (from now on referred to as she) should not acknowledge her pain or permit herself to open up to others (as appropriate). I also disagree that anything similar to "my anger was justified because look what my husband did to ME" is at all an appropriate response, and believe that the spouse should work diligently to ensure this mindset does not take hold.
I'm not sure I'm making sense; I suppose what I'm trying to say is that a spouse in this situation has agency and should use it to respond with compassion, determination, and forgiveness--in addition, she should not believe she is a bad person for feeling hurt or wanting to receive her own help in dealing with this issue.

Neither of you had any obligation to answer this question, and I'm deeply grateful that you set aside a large amount of time to do so. I especially appreciate that you humbly presented it as your feelings based on your own experiences, rather than a definitive guide or some type of canon. Your attitudes and your determination are inspiring. For those of us who have been in this or a similar situation, and for those people who have not, I believe much can be gained from reading this response. Thank you both so much.

[NerdGirl]

I would also like to thank you guys for being so open and willing to share. I'm also single, and I've certainly learned some things from your response. I especially liked your perspective on what it means to be "worthy" to go to the temple.

[thebigcheese]

Wow. Your marriage sounds like one of the strongest and greatest marriages that ever existed. Honestly. I'm sure the pornography issue is difficult, but a support system like that is incredible. Good for you.

[Dragon Lady]

I also appreciate your answer. It has to be hard to write something like that, which makes me appreciate it even more. I do have one request. You often give examples of what not to say, but only general suggestions of what to say. The exception being when you talked about prayers. That was amazing and I loved hearing an example of how one could pray for someone without being judgmental. But what about everything else? I'm sure a lot of people (especially the writer of the question) would be grateful for more specific examples of what to say to be supportive, but not judgmental, but also not condoning the sin.