#65937 - The economics of dating

[Katya]

http://theboard.byu.edu/questions/65937/

Suppose that we have a graph and we label the x-axis "1st date," "2nd date," etc. up through "boyfriend/girlfriend," "engaged," and "married." Suppose that we label the y-axis "level of interest."

Let us read the graph by saying that you will reach a dating level on the graph only if the interest level is on or above the plotted function. So if the line hits "2nd date" at the point "medium interest," you will warrant a second date if you are of medium interest or higher, but not if you are of low interest.

The question, then, is what should the shape of the function be?

I think we can assume that the first point will be in the bottom left corner (at "0 interest," "no date") and the last point will be in the top right corner (at "very high interest," "marriage"). (I realize that I'm switching my coordinate points from the standard (x,y) order, but it seems weird to put them the other way.) However, should the function be a straight line, should it be shallow at first but then steep, or should it be steep at first and then level off?

Culturally, I'd say that LDS girls are encouraged to keep the first part of the function pretty shallow, to the extent that a first date is more or less a given. However, the reader who asked this question seems to be hitting a wall of some sort with regard to the second date, which would indicate a steeper rise between the "1st date" and "2nd date" points.

I wonder, though, if he would truly be satisfied if he could get more second dates. The curve could be shallower between 1st and 2nd dates, but it has to get steeper at some point, so would he just be more frustrated that he couldn't seem to get to a 3rd date?

[Katya]

I think the idea behind a shallow initial curve is to give yourself a chance to get to know someone better and to not immediately shoot down someone who's had to be brave enough to ask you out. Of course, a shallow initial curve also makes for wasted resources, particularly in terms of time, effort, and money, since you're going on a lot more 1st dates that won't turn into 2nd or 3rd dates.

This model also doesn't take into account other potential suitors. I'll have to see if I can revise the model to take that into account.

[Katya]

Also, going back to the original question (instead of my mathematical flight of fancy), I don't think that the girls are somehow becoming "less fun" after a first date or are suddenly aware of "increasing social pressure." I think they're just not very interested in the guy, and they don't feel an obligation to give him a second date, when they could be putting their time and other resources elsewhere. (As a profound introvert, I always get a little cranky at the idea that girls "owe" guys dates, anyway.)

[Unit of Energy]

I think that it should be a curve more shallow than it is. I do think that people tend to put more meaning on second/third/fourth dates that doesn't need to be there. Not just girls. I'm a girl, I don't think I've ever had second dates. There is one person that I've been on multiple dates with, but he's a very good friend of mine, and the months between each date make each date not really a first date or a second or a third. Obviously there needs to be a point where meaning is put on things, but I think that it should be different for each person, and honestly each relationship a person has.

[Emiliana]

I suppose it depends partially on how well you feel you represent yourself on a first date, and how good you think you are at feeling people out on a first date. I'm not especially good at either, so I'll often go on a second date if asked, even if I'm still at a fairly low level of interest, simply because I don't *know* right away whether I'm interested. Maybe this guy feels like one date isn't enough time for him to decide how interested he is, or maybe he doesn't feel like he makes a stellar first impression, so he feels like he's being rejected before there's really enough evidence to do so.

[Unit of Energy]

That's the truth. I don't ask a guy on a second date unless there is some level of interest on my part but unless I'm completely sure that I'm not interested I will accept a second date. And to be completely sure means that I've had some interaction with the man in question outside of our first date.

[Katya]

I suppose it depends partially on how well you feel you represent yourself on a first date, and how good you think you are at feeling people out on a first date. I'm not especially good at either, so I'll often go on a second date if asked, even if I'm still at a fairly low level of interest, simply because I don't *know* right away whether I'm interested. Maybe this guy feels like one date isn't enough time for him to decide how interested he is, or maybe he doesn't feel like he makes a stellar first impression, so he feels like he's being rejected before there's really enough evidence to do so.

This is why I heretically maintain that hanging out can actually be a very productive activity in terms of dating economics, because it allows you to get to know a wide range of people in a low-pressure situation.

[Emiliana]

I suppose it depends partially on how well you feel you represent yourself on a first date, and how good you think you are at feeling people out on a first date. I'm not especially good at either, so I'll often go on a second date if asked, even if I'm still at a fairly low level of interest, simply because I don't *know* right away whether I'm interested. Maybe this guy feels like one date isn't enough time for him to decide how interested he is, or maybe he doesn't feel like he makes a stellar first impression, so he feels like he's being rejected before there's really enough evidence to do so.

This is why I heretically maintain that hanging out can actually be a very productive activity in terms of dating economics, because it allows you to get to know a wide range of people in a low-pressure situation.

Agreed, to a certain extent. I find social settings of more than 4-5 people to be rather stressful, though they do have their uses.

I'm also curious to hear how you work in multiple potential suitors into this equation.

[Portia]

I have a very high, nearly-flat graph. All my relationships have started soon after first meeting, and I consider myself to be a very good judge of others' interest and my own. This means I've probably been on about three "first dates" in my life, any of whom I could have picture marrying.

I'd be interested in the curves of more physical-only encounters, whether that's NSA or Provo-style NCMO. I feel like people care less about interpersonal compatibility (beyond the physical, but even then, it's not like this is the person who will appear on your wedding announcement), but I would wager the mode of the times people get together is about 2. That raises the question, why is the third makeout so hard to get to: do feelings start to be involved? I'd guess yes.