66039 - clean breakup

[Dragon Lady]

http://theboard.byu.edu/questions/66039/

I don't think No Dice actually answered the question that was asked. He wasn't asking about how to get her back, but rather, has anyone else had a clean breakup. Where you still care for the person, but in the end, you're happy for them and are able to move on without hard feelings. I think this is a very valid question because I watch way too many people in relationships honestly believing that you can't be friends with someone after you break up. I've watched several people not date a person they really like because they don't want to "ruin the friendship." Hogswallop, I say! I have multiple ex-boyfriends that I'm still friends with. Most of my relationships have ended well. And really, the guys I have the best relationship with now are the ones I was friends with before we started dating. (Or dated long enough to instill a solid friendship along with the romance.) Here are my two most significant, in case this guy ever reads the Board board.

1. Speaking of mission stories, my first story was about the boy I sent on a mission. We started flirting my freshman year in high school. We more actively started dating near the end of high school. I sent him off on his mission just before I started college, but with the knowledge that I'd date other people, too. I gained a good friendship with his mom (turns out, he became a horrible writer, so his mom and I would call whenever one of us got a letter in order to update the other on his health and well-being). By the end of his mission, his letters started becoming more serious and discussing the possibility of this heading towards marriage. He got home, first date went really well, second date he wouldn't even touch me past the hug hello, then at his homecoming, he broke up with me. Had you asked me that morning what I'd do if he broke up with me, I probably would have burst into tears. But when he broke up with me, I had such a feeling of peace wash over me, that I was perfectly fine with it. We stayed friends, I helped him (a little anyway) through his parents' divorce, and when Yellow and I bought our first condo, he was our mortgage processor and got us a great deal.

2. Guy in my ward. We became friends quickly after I moved in. After a few months he asked me on a date and things just progressed quickly from there. Two weeks later, out of the blue he broke up with me, because he just didn't feel right about us dating. I was heartbroken. (I should have seen it coming. I had a really awful two-week curse. Though, come to think of it, he was the last of the curse, since Yellow was my next real boyfriend.) But where he was in my ward, I still saw him often. His brother (who was also his roommate) was my home teacher. I still liked talking to him. And really, he made a giant impact on the way I think about things even today. He painted me a picture (well, he painted many pictures and let me pick one for a Christmas present) that still hangs in my house (well, not currently. But only because we just moved and haven't hung any artwork up yet). Yellow was also in my ward, so he became friends with this guy, too. We'll still randomly have him and his brother over for a game night. I still email both of them periodically to catch up on life. I would definitely consider him one of my few single friends that I remained friends with after marriage.

Honestly, I think as long as both parties are mature, any relationship can end in friendship if so desired. Relationships don't need to have bad breaks. I can't think of a single one off the top of my head that ended poorly for me. (Ok, nix that. I just remembered the guy who broke up with me after three weeks because he wasn't ready for a relationship, then that Sunday had his arm around another girl at church, who he later married. That was probably one of the biggest heartbreaks I had, and I have no contact with him anymore.) Yellow did have a doozy, though. But I think the hardest part for him was that it wasn't a clean break and he lost a friend out of the deal.

[TheAnswerIs42]

I've seen it happen too. We are good friends with my husband's most serious ex-girlfriend. We' ve had her stay overnight a few times, and a couple of months ago she watched our kids when we were out of town overnight. I wish I'd been able to stay that close to my ex-boyfriend - he was an awesome guy. We ended on good terms, but he wasn't interested in staying in touch.

[Emiliana]

I've seen it happen, but it hasn't happened for me. I tried to stay friends with one of my exes, but it was incredibly painful and after a few months I had to tell him it wasn't working. We'll occasionally have a facebook message back and forth, but that's all. He's a good guy, and he's actually still really good friends with my best friend. There aren't any hard feelings.

My other ex and I didn't talk for close to a year after we broke up, then started becoming friends again, sort of got back together long-distance, and then when I moved back to the States he dumped me for someone else. So, I guess you could say that was a clean break because I knew beyond a doubt that I wanted nothing more to do with him after that?

[Portia]

In a word: no. I think the guy seems to be rather distressed considering the multi-paragraph unloading, and could maybe benefit from talking to a counselor about what he's feeling.

[krebscout]

I think I'm on quite good terms with my few exes, though I'm not tight with any of them...but then I'm not especially tight with any of my old friends anymore. My first boyfriend came to see us in LA last year, and he asked to crash a night on our couch a few months later, which he would have if we didn't already have another overnight visitor. He's probably the one I'm still most friendly with, and Sauron's friends with him, too. But then it wasn't a very serious relationship, just a silly little high school fling.

In conclusion: I believe it's perfectly possible, but it depends on the personalities of the parties involved.

[Unit of Energy]

I've never had a boyfriend, but I have had my heart broken by a guy and we're close friends now. admittedly with neither of us in a relationship it is a bit hard at times, but for the most part it is a friendship that I am grateful that we are both mature enough to maintain.

[Katya]

In conclusion: I believe it's perfectly possible, but it depends on the personalities of the parties involved.

And the nature of the breakup, I'd add.

[TheAnswerIs42]

In a word: no. I think the guy seems to be rather distressed considering the multi-paragraph unloading, and could maybe benefit from talking to a counselor about what he's feeling.

Perhaps. But I just read the question as someone looking for stories that turned out the way he wants his story to turn out. He realizes this isn't going to happen, and while he still aches a bit about that, he WANTS to get over her and be happy for her and be her friend. So he asked for stories where people were friends afterward, just to prove that his goal is possible.