#67786 - Don't cook for a man, etc.

[Katya]

http://theboard.byu.edu/questions/67786/

What bothers me about this kind of advice is that it's all about constructing elaborate situations to "test" your man.

For instance, I've heard it said that you shouldn't marry someone unless you've seen them angry, sad, embarrassed, etc., so that you know what they're like at their worst. I think that's good advice. What I don't think is good advice is deliberately making your s.o. angry, sad, embarrassed, so that you can gauge their reactions. If you spend enough time with someone in a wide range of situations, you should be able to see how they naturally respond to that wide range of situations without resorting to schemes and concoctions.

[Whistler]

ugh, yes

[UffishThought]

I don't like deliberately testing your romantic interests like that either. But that passage seemed more about not worrying too much and not feeling entitled to make your boyfriend a gourmet home-cooked meal from day one of your relationship than about testing him. I'm just fine with being yourself and not starting something early you don't want to keep up.

I could be oversensitive, though. My last relationship, I ended up feeling guilty if I didn't make the guy dinner every day, and it had to be a real meal--not ramen or mac & cheese or a pb&j, but usually something that took me an hour or two and had side dishes. I like to cook, but I was starting to resent it. (In fairness, the guy never implied that I should be cooking for him daily, but we fell into the habit, anyway.)

[Unit of Energy]

I have cooked for most of the young men I've been interested in. But they've also cooked for me on as many occasions. It's something that I enjoy doing, not something that I feel obligated to do. And when I do end up in a relationship, I imagine I'll want to cook sometimes, and other times I'll treat him like I treat my sister and tell him to make me something or eat a bowl of cereal.

[Portia]

Like Kirke, I would not really call my cooking something to aspire to, although those of us like that still manage to feed ourselves, whether from cafeterias, bowls of cereals, mooching of S.O.'s, living on Coke & granola bars, whatever.

I've had a couple of boyfriends who were very talented chefs and enjoyed making elaborate meals. I think sharing things you enjoy seems like sensible enough advice. Me, I'd much rather be in a musical together and fend for ourselves on salads and lemonade.

[bobtheenchantedone]

I just find the whole idea of one person cooking a fancy meal for the other silly. Do you know how much work a fancy meal is? Marduk has the right idea: I became his girlfriend just in time to help him prepare the meal for the first Board party he hosted, and I've been helping him cook both Sunday and party meals ever since. There have been only a few meals since then that I have eaten yet not prepared, and all of those times he had someone else to help him.

I think all major jobs should be shared between a couple/family, though. My parents instituted a "dinner night" - on your night you prepare dinner, serve dinner, and clean the kitchen by yourself - and I hated it. I would much rather we work together and each do a job every night than have one person do everything once a week, and in the case of my family it only serves to reinforce a "that's not my job" mentality. Not to mention breeds resentment when one person leaves the kitchen sparkling but has to work two hours to do it because no one else bothered to clean it that week, or even when one person spends an hour working while everyone else does nothing.

[Portia]

I'm too much of a control freak to share certain jobs. like laundry

[Yarjka]

I think all major jobs should be shared between a couple/family, though. My parents instituted a "dinner night" - on your night you prepare dinner, serve dinner, and clean the kitchen by yourself - and I hated it. I would much rather we work together and each do a job every night than have one person do everything once a week, and in the case of my family it only serves to reinforce a "that's not my job" mentality. Not to mention breeds resentment when one person leaves the kitchen sparkling but has to work two hours to do it because no one else bothered to clean it that week, or even when one person spends an hour working while everyone else does nothing.

The "dinner night" idea is something I would have loathed as well. However, I take great pride in planning, preparing, and serving a meal all by myself--especially if its a fancy one. I think the difference is that I choose to do it rather than be forced to do it.

I do find that certain tasks have fallen naturally to either one or the other person in my marriage. For instance, I always do the dishes, my wife always vacuums. We've tried switching out and sharing these tasks, but it comes down to the fact that I enjoy doing dishes and she enjoys vacuuming. There's no reason to share these tasks if it will just make us miserable. Tasks that neither of us like cannot be easily separated like that. It doesn't matter whether it's my job to clean the bathroom and her job to take out the trash or the other way around, either way we'll become resentful of having to do that same job all the time.

[Unit of Energy]

Growing up we each had a night of the week that we made dinner, but our responsibility ended at having something ready to eat at 5:00. Some nights all we had was cereal, others we had elaborate meals. The clean up and such was still a family responsibility.

I expect to marry someone willing and able to cook well. But I don't want him to do all the cooking. I've had a lot of fun cooking meals with people. I also enjoy cooking a meal on my own. Once I was even proposed marriage because of my cooking.