Sometimes I start reading the first or second answer to a question and I think "Yeah, they're totally right!" And then I keep reading and someone comes along who disagrees with the previous answer and I think "Huh. Actually, they're right, too."
So I liked the answers that said it's stupid to break up with someone because of food allergies and I also liked the answers that pointed out that we make those kind of trivial judgments all the time. (And I'm very curious to know what qualities Laser Jock had that were on Eirene's "dealbreaker" list, but maybe that's best left in the past. )
Haha. Nothing on my little list was actually important (obviously, or I wouldn't have married him). I'll give you one example to sate your curiosity: when we started dating, he didn't have a car. I had previously thought that dating someone without their own car would be way too annoying to be worth it, but when it came down to it, it actually didn't bother me and was rarely an issue.
Eirene wrote:Haha. Nothing on my little list was actually important (obviously, or I wouldn't have married him). I'll give you one example to sate your curiosity: when we started dating, he didn't have a car. I had previously thought that dating someone without their own car would be way too annoying to be worth it, but when it came down to it, it actually didn't bother me and was rarely an issue.
So "ridiculously smart and kind" trumps "no car." I suppose that's fair.
Eirene wrote:Haha. Nothing on my little list was actually important (obviously, or I wouldn't have married him). I'll give you one example to sate your curiosity: when we started dating, he didn't have a car. I had previously thought that dating someone without their own car would be way too annoying to be worth it, but when it came down to it, it actually didn't bother me and was rarely an issue.
So "ridiculously smart and kind" trumps "no car." I suppose that's fair.
What about things on your list that can't or won't change? Not having a car is something almost certainly temporary. Does "ridiculously smart and kind" trump short and bald? Does it trump occasionally suffers from severe depression?
When in a relationship does the connection progress from an atrraction because of certain qualities to a commitment in spite of certain qualities?
Katya wrote:
So "ridiculously smart and kind" trumps "no car." I suppose that's fair.
One of the reasons why dealbreaker lists are generally silly—they make it seem like a collection of minor, relatively unimportant qualities could ever be more important than having a truly excellent personality
S.A.M. wrote: What about things on your list that can't or won't change? Not having a car is something almost certainly temporary. Does "ridiculously smart and kind" trump short and bald? Does it trump occasionally suffers from severe depression?
When in a relationship does the connection progress from an atrraction because of certain qualities to a commitment in spite of certain qualities?
Hmm, I'm going to ask the board this one.
I think individual preferences start coming into play more when you're looking at relatively nonchangeable qualities, but like I said in my answer to the original question, even permanent things like food allergies probably are really not going to matter that much if you genuinely like each other. And ideally, I think the goal is to never (or very rarely) get to the point where your relationship is just a commitment that you're sticking with in spite of all the stuff you hate.
Eirene wrote:If you really, really like someone else, most of the things that you might have thought would be dealbreakers turn out to not really matter that much. Laser Jock once told me that being vegetarian used to be on his dealbreaker list (and he has some qualities that I used to think were on my dealbreaker list), but when we actually started dating and realized that we really liked each other, the rest of that stuff just didn't matter.
How far into the relationship did you both need to go to realize you wanted to commit to each other despite the qualities that were formerly considered dealbreakers? When did you realize those things just didn't matter?
Do we often not consider dating some amazing people just because they didn't meet our list of dealbreakers?
Eirene wrote:If you really, really like someone else, most of the things that you might have thought would be dealbreakers turn out to not really matter that much. Laser Jock once told me that being vegetarian used to be on his dealbreaker list (and he has some qualities that I used to think were on my dealbreaker list), but when we actually started dating and realized that we really liked each other, the rest of that stuff just didn't matter.
How far into the relationship did you both need to go to realize you wanted to commit to each other despite the qualities that were formerly considered dealbreakers? When did you realize those things just didn't matter?
Do we often not consider dating some amazing people just because they didn't meet our list of dealbreakers?
Marx has several qualities that would once have been on my list of "dealbreakers." One of them was that I used to think one mental illness per relationship was plenty, and I already had that one covered, so I needed to find someone who didn't have mental illness. I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to properly care for someone who had a mental illness because I spend so much of my time and energy dealing with my own issues. But as it's turned out, we're actually able to support each other better because we have such an intuitive understanding of what the other is going through.
Eirene wrote:If you really, really like someone else, most of the things that you might have thought would be dealbreakers turn out to not really matter that much. Laser Jock once told me that being vegetarian used to be on his dealbreaker list (and he has some qualities that I used to think were on my dealbreaker list), but when we actually started dating and realized that we really liked each other, the rest of that stuff just didn't matter.
How far into the relationship did you both need to go to realize you wanted to commit to each other despite the qualities that were formerly considered dealbreakers? When did you realize those things just didn't matter?
Do we often not consider dating some amazing people just because they didn't meet our list of dealbreakers?
Marx has several qualities that would once have been on my list of "dealbreakers." One of them was that I used to think one mental illness per relationship was plenty, and I already had that one covered, so I needed to find someone who didn't have mental illness. I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to properly care for someone who had a mental illness because I spend so much of my time and energy dealing with my own issues. But as it's turned out, we're actually able to support each other better because we have such an intuitive understanding of what the other is going through.
How well did you know Marx before you realized the dealbreakers weren't really dealbreakers? Were you acquaintances, friends, good friends, casually dating, seriously dating, engaged?
I'm really curious about this transition. To me, it's like a transformation from a conditional type love to a more unconditional love. From an I love you because you are this and this and this, and if you weren't I probably wouldn't love you as much, and possibly end things, to an I love you in spite of any shortcomings you may have.
Ah, I see what you're asking. For some things, it became immediately obvious to me that I actually didn't care (for the car thing, it was clear when I drove on our second date), and some things were more gradual. I guess I would say that for me personally, talking about marriage (so, about six or seven months into our relationship) was the biggest thing that made me realize that I no longer cared about whatever was on my little list. I'm not sure if it took me that long to get over everything, or if it just took me that long to realize that nothing on that list really bothered me.
S.A.M. wrote:I'm really curious about this transition. To me, it's like a transformation from a conditional type love to a more unconditional love. From an I love you because you are this and this and this, and if you weren't I probably wouldn't love you as much, and possibly end things, to an I love you in spite of any shortcomings you may have.
For the mental illness thing, there was a definite day when we were casually dating when I realized it was okay: I had to back out of a group outing with some of his friends because I had a massive panic attack. Marx offered to come over and watch a dumb movie with me instead -- which was exactly what I needed. It's still a challenge for us when we both have horrible days with our mental health, but we make it work.
On other issues, though, it was more like what you said about the transition to unconditional love. It's not that all the things I thought would be dealbreakers don't matter (although some of them really don't), it's that we love each other enough to work through it anyway. I would agree with Eirene that that transition happened about the time we started talking seriously about marriage.
We each have three dealbreakers we're allowed to use up throughout our marriage, sort of like trump cards, except I'm the only one who takes them seriously. I used one of mine to stipulate that my husband must have a beard.
Well, the big dealbreaker for me is that he's human. If they somehow manage to pass all the lesser dealbreakers and not this one, sorry, Charlie, but you're out.
"If you don't put enough commas in, you won't know where to breathe and will die of asphyxiation"
Eirene wrote:Haha. Nothing on my little list was actually important (obviously, or I wouldn't have married him). I'll give you one example to sate your curiosity: when we started dating, he didn't have a car. I had previously thought that dating someone without their own car would be way too annoying to be worth it, but when it came down to it, it actually didn't bother me and was rarely an issue.
So "ridiculously smart and kind" trumps "no car." I suppose that's fair.
I should hope so, or I'm in trouble! (LJ might have a license, which I still lack.)
Eirene wrote:Haha. Nothing on my little list was actually important (obviously, or I wouldn't have married him). I'll give you one example to sate your curiosity: when we started dating, he didn't have a car. I had previously thought that dating someone without their own car would be way too annoying to be worth it, but when it came down to it, it actually didn't bother me and was rarely an issue.
So "ridiculously smart and kind" trumps "no car." I suppose that's fair.
I should hope so, or I'm in trouble! (LJ might have a license, which I still lack.)
*Well-placed Luddite joke here* (I'm really not clever enough to think of one)
Eirene wrote:If you really, really like someone else, most of the things that you might have thought would be dealbreakers turn out to not really matter that much. Laser Jock once told me that being vegetarian used to be on his dealbreaker list (and he has some qualities that I used to think were on my dealbreaker list), but when we actually started dating and realized that we really liked each other, the rest of that stuff just didn't matter.
How far into the relationship did you both need to go to realize you wanted to commit to each other despite the qualities that were formerly considered dealbreakers? When did you realize those things just didn't matter?
Do we often not consider dating some amazing people just because they didn't meet our list of dealbreakers?
Marx has several qualities that would once have been on my list of "dealbreakers." One of them was that I used to think one mental illness per relationship was plenty, and I already had that one covered, so I needed to find someone who didn't have mental illness. I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to properly care for someone who had a mental illness because I spend so much of my time and energy dealing with my own issues. But as it's turned out, we're actually able to support each other better because we have such an intuitive understanding of what the other is going through.
I felt similarly about dating someone poor/seeking employment/who loved grad school. I thought one impoverished smart person was plenty. But all this rigmarole about money not being able to buy true love is actually kinda true, and an ex (who is comfortably salaried himself) pointed out that especially in the current economic climate, most twenty-somethings are figuring it out. Although the (onerous) student debt thing DOES freak me out, not going to lie. But I have forbidden him from proposing for 9 months anyway.
)
