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[Giovanni Schwartz]

I might be the horniest member of this here board... - Portia

[S.A.M.]

the answer to your question is somewhere in between where you hoped and where you expected.

[Portia]

And by "cry in a corner" I mean "do homework for the rest of the day just like I would have if we had won and honestly not really notice the difference."

schoolspiritfulness

[Portia]

You should switch your major to physics and do awesome science with your husband.

Crowley

[Portia]

Go to Eastern Europe. Find a sweet little cafe or restaurant. Order borscht. Foolproof.

Mico

[Digit]

Just don't marry anyone from Kentucky, and you're safe.

-Zedability

[S.A.M.]

If you want there to be more trees in the world, you should use as much paper as possible.

greenfulness

[Portia]

I think that means I win the internet.

NerdGirl

[S.A.M.]

Not being able to tie one's own shoelaces is a brilliant excuse to have cute boys tie them for you.

[S.A.M.]

If it ain't long enough to make a baby, it ain't long enough to make a life-altering decision.

[Portia]

How do ugly people get married? Both the just generally not that good looking and the really ugly ones that you feel bad for when you see them. -oh well, here's to mediocracy

This made me giggle.

[S.A.M.]

If you're relying on Church programs to keep you active and interested, you're doing something wrong.

[S.A.M.]

I'd be willing to do anything within reason to help you. That's one of the biggest reasons I'm here on the Board.

[S.A.M.]

(I) would rather be entrusted with keeping an egg safe than a returned missionary.

(I) inserted for clarity.

[S.A.M.]

Unfortunately, idiots/selfish people/the uninformed are everywhere.

Classic. Made me laugh.

[S.A.M.]

You should switch your major to physics and do awesome science with your husband.

Crowley

Ha. Just be sure to practice safe science. Always use the scientific method.

[S.A.M.]

you're just buying very expensive urine, the same as any other vitamin supplement.

[S.A.M.]

I hear that the harder it is to figure out the invitation, the more likely the girl is to accept a date.

[S.A.M.]

The Galapagos tortoises mutated from tortoises of a normal lifespan after a top-secret radioactive spill covered up by the government, the way God intended.

[Zedability]

The Galapagos tortoises mutated from tortoises of a normal lifespan after a top-secret radioactive spill covered up by the government, the way God intended.

For best results, read in a Stephen Colbert voice