Saying No to Extravagent Service Requests

[thatonemom]

I feel like I could have written http://theboard.byu.edu/questions/70519/

So I'm wondering, are any of you recovering "yes" people? How did you learn to give sane service when you could, and say no when you couldn't? (and then not feel guilty about it)

[Katya]

So I'm wondering, are any of you recovering "yes" people?

My mom is. I've always been pretty good at saying "no" (mainly because I was raised to be able to do so). Her mom still can't say "no." So I guess that means my mom is the one who broke the chain. I'd say she learned how to say "no," first by seeing some really terrible thing happened in her family and in mine when people didn't say "no," which drove home the need to have boundaries, and then she looked at the reasons why she felt guilty for saying "no" and worked on deconstructing those so that she had a more healthy attitude about service and boundaries.

And it's still hard. Other "yes" people are often some of the cruelest to those who say "no," because of the built up anger and resentment and feeling like it's not OK to have boundaries and limits.

One thing that can help (as odd as it sounds) is to practice saying "no" to requests. I'm much more likely to say "yes" to something I don't want to do when I'm unexpectedly ambushed by a request. Even if I feel like I can't get out of doing what I just said "yes" to, I can go over in my mind a polite way that I wish I'd said no, and that helps me prepare for the next time.

[Zedability]

I'm not very good at saying no, but I mainly deal with it by making myself seem unavailable and avoiding relationships with needy people. Which is probably not the best thing. I should probably figure out how to just say no instead of avoiding. But it works so far.

[Emiliana]

I used to be a lot worse, but growing some self-esteem over the last 3-4 years has helped. My college roommate used to (jokingly) ask me to do things like pick up her laundry from the laundromat or bring her some Wendy's, to help me practice saying no.

[mic0]

My college roommate used to (jokingly) ask me to do things like pick up her laundry from the laundromat or bring her some Wendy's, to help me practice saying no.

Did you ever say 'yes' on accident and do those joking things for her? Just curious!

I'm terrible at saying 'no' to most day-to-day things and requests. Luckily I mostly keep to myself and am not often in situations where I am asked to do things lately.

[Emiliana]

My college roommate used to (jokingly) ask me to do things like pick up her laundry from the laundromat or bring her some Wendy's, to help me practice saying no.

Did you ever say 'yes' on accident and do those joking things for her? Just curious!

I'm terrible at saying 'no' to most day-to-day things and requests. Luckily I mostly keep to myself and am not often in situations where I am asked to do things lately.

Haha. She always said it in a particular tone that I knew wasn't serious, but it was still hard sometimes!

[Katya]

I'm not very good at saying no, but I mainly deal with it by making myself seem unavailable . . .

Still, I think that moving to Nova Scotia is perhaps overkill.

[Zedability]

I'm not very good at saying no, but I mainly deal with it by making myself seem unavailable . . .

Still, I think that moving to Nova Scotia is perhaps overkill.

Yes, because being a missionary definitely doesn't open you up to ridiculous service requests in any way whatsoever.

[Whistler]

Once I got around this by saying "I don't want to, but I will if you really need me to." Aaand I haven't been asked to babysit since!

[Katya]

I'm not very good at saying no, but I mainly deal with it by making myself seem unavailable . . .

Still, I think that moving to Nova Scotia is perhaps overkill.

Yes, because being a missionary definitely doesn't open you up to ridiculous service requests in any way whatsoever.

Right. You must be running away from something pretty intense in Provo, for missionary work to seem like the easier option.

[Giovanni Schwartz]

I love the "I don't want to, but I will if you really need me to' option. It then puts them in a situation of owing me a favor in the future.

[Portia]

Parable of Two Sons

28 But what do you think? A man had two sons, and he came to the first and said, ‘Son, go work today in the vineyard.’
29 And he answered, ‘I will not’; but afterward he regretted it and went.
30 The man came to the second and said the same thing; and he answered, ‘I will, sir’; but he did not go.
31 Which of the two did the will of his father?” They said, “The first.” Jesus said to them, “Truly I say to you that the tax collectors and prostitutes will get into the kingdom of God before you.
32 For John came to you in the way of righteousness and you did not believe him; but the tax collectors and prostitutes did believe him; and you, seeing this, did not even feel remorse afterward so as to believe him.

I'm definitely the first son. I have no problem saying no. (Which is perhaps why the question struck me as rude, because I think more passive people come across as manipulative to us assertive folk.)

[thatonemom]

I really appreciate all the thoughts on this. I think part of my problem is that I feel so much pressure to always say yes when it comes to church things or church people. (Just a couple weeks ago we had a stake conference where the visiting Authority's whole talk was about how we shouldn't say no to any church service.) And then I start to wonder if it's just me having a bad attitude, and shouldn't I want to serve people? And isn't that the right thing to do? My husband is big on "just tell them no" as if they were sketchy people on the street offering me drugs, instead of people I visit teach, or live by, or see on a regular basis. I think I worry if I say no I'll damage the relationship, or not be "doing my duty"

And it's still hard. Other "yes" people are often some of the cruelest to those who say "no," because of the built up anger and resentment and feeling like it's not OK to have boundaries and limits.

This is why you have been canonized, Katya. I think it's easy to get resentful when you feel burned out on helping others. And also easy to want to judge why other people said no (because it feels like they're just making more work for the yes people sometimes, and don't they realize that no one actually wants to do all the things we get asked to do?). I recognize that's a terribly judgmental attitude, but I can't say I've never thought it.

I'm curious about the people who said they mostly stay out of situations where they get asked to do stuff. How do you do that?

[Zedability]

Just being a general introvert and a bad visiting teacher. I should work harder on the second one.

I find it tends to balance out through stuff like having a roommate who has like 5 different serious chronic health problems. I eventually had to privately ask my other roommates, "Can you not tell [roommate] this, because I don't want her to feel bad for asking me for help and if she does she'll try to do things herself that are dangerous for her, but I need you guys to be the ones to help her with mobility issues, because my scoliosis is making it really difficult for me to help her." So that's another option – find a way to foist it off on someone else.