70863 Dealbreakers

[Squirrel]

I do like your list. Maybe just because it describes someone I know

Your missionary?

[Zedability]

I do like your list. Maybe just because it describes someone I know

Your missionary?

Does this need a question?

[Portia]

Regarding dealbreakers, one thing that's been helpful for me is to learn to analyze and articulate the difference between internal personal characteristics and the surface expression of those characteristics.

So, when Portia says that she would only want to date a college student or graduate, my first instinct is to agree with her, but when I think more about why I would want that, I realize that the underlying characteristics I'm looking for are things like valuing education, being well-informed and curious about the world, and being comfortable around people who are college educated (because I am and those are the circles I move in). And while there is a significant overlap between people who have those characteristics and people who are themselves college educated, I can also think of some personal acquaintances who are exceptions, for various reasons, and I still respect and value their company in the same way as I do with those who are college educated. So, it turns out that a college education isn't a dealbreaker, for me, although it's still a likely characteristic in someone I would be interested in.

My reaction to some of the dealbreakers posted in the original question is that I'm not sure what underlying characteristic they're supposed to indicate. I imagine that Chrysanthemum's white shirt and dark socks rule indicate, for her, someone who is respectful, and that is a quality that I certainly admire. However, I've also known men and women whose insistence on a white shirt rule (for themselves or others) seemed to be rooted in judgmental attitudes or a belief in convention for its own sake or a focus on superficiality. And those are qualities that I find very troubling. And I've known men who I found respectful who eschewed the white shirt rule, mainly because they were also rejecting the second set of characteristics. So, I conclude that the white shirt rule wouldn't be a good litmus test for me, either way, because the qualities that I'm looking for might express themselves as wearing a white shirt or not.

And, frankly, I find this to be the case with almost all absolute "dealbreakers," as such. (The only one I can think of off the top of my head is abuse. If a guy were ever to hit me, threaten me, or attack me in any other fashion, I'd be out of there, with no regrets.)

Sigh. Of course you said it better than I did. I feel comfortable putting a "inasmuch as he values education, speaks well and reads expansively" addendum in there. I have had some bad experiences with people in my circle who don't value school and also are unambitious, but then, I've dated guys who were overeducated and not willing to get their elbows dirty.

I would be concerned about his employability, among the middle-classs white dudes I date, anyway, but if I found a genius tech entrepreneur or successful novelist college dropout, yeah, I can see that. (Though I think those are a dying breed.)

I simply find colored shirts to be more attractive.

I also can't imagine marrying a guy who did drugs of any kind. A guy who doesn't drink goes way up in hotness points, too.

A near-dealbreaker for my boyfriend may have been when he remembered that I hadn't seen Star Wars. /walks away "But I've seen episode 2!" /walks further ;)

[mic0]

Here's a dealbreaker I wish I had thought of before getting married - he can't beat me in games more than 85% of the time. Seriously, games are way less fun when they are one-sided.

(Yes, I am losing a game right now. And maybe there is a deeper meaning to this dealbreaker, but I'm not sure what it could be. )

[Squirrel]

I do like your list. Maybe just because it describes someone I know

Your missionary?

Does this need a question?

Good point.

[NerdGirl]

Some random thoughts I am having as I read this thread:

-If I'm at a restaurant that actually has something gluten-free on the dessert menu, I order it. This happens 1-2x/year. I will share if someone can manage to share without getting crumbs of death in my food.
-I call people "woman" sometimes. But I'm joking. And I say it to both men and woman. And I usually use it in the following sentence: "Woman, get back here and make me a sandwich!" which is a quote from one of the best X-files episodes of all time. And they know I'm joking because why would I actually want someone to make me a sandwich? It would make me have to go to the hospital like I had to on Tuesday night when Taco Time tried to kill me.
-Insisting that men must wear white shirts to church actually probably would be a deal breaker for me. I don't handle stuff like that real well and it makes me want to say a lot of swear words. That's all I will say about that so this doesn't get really long. Long and not g-rated.

Really I think I only have two deal breakers. Being a psychopath and being an asshole. And yes, those are two different things. For an interesting scholarly discussion of the second item, I highly recommend this book: http://www.amazon.com/Assholes-A-Theory ... s=assholes (for real. It's good. I read it over Christmas.)

[bobtheenchantedone]

I don't handle stuff like that real well and it makes me want to say a lot of swear words.

And this is why you are one of my favorites. I'm the same way. Also this made me laugh.

[Portia]

http://theboard.byu.edu/questions/41079/

There's my 20-year-old somewhat judgy self on deal-breakers. I feel that like teen-ager, this compound became subtly more popular and less hyphenated in the intervening years.

[Tally M.]

I asked the question and I'm not even entirely sure if I have an answer.

I guess for me, if he's not a faithful church member with a growing testimony that I'd marry in the temple, then that would be a dealbreaker for me. That's probably the biggest dealbreaker for me. Also, if he wants more than 6 kids. I once met a guy who was really quite attractive. Somehow in the course of the conversation, number of kids wanted came up. He said he wanted 14 kids. He was attractive, but not fourteen kids attractive.

ETA: Sweet! I finally got a title bar nomination! My life is complete.

[Imogen]

DEALBREAKERS:

tobacco use
weird parents i'm embarrassed to introduce my parents to
not calling/texting in regular intervals
being stuck up
not being willing to have a catholic wedding ceremony
not wanting pets
not wanting my dog to sleep on the bed
bad kisser

ETA: doesn't like The West Wing or Frasier

[Craig Jessop]

DEALBREAKERS:

not an active Mormon
doesn't want to stay at home
thinks she HAS to stay at home to be a good Mormon
not nice
not funny
crazy conservative
cat person
sanctimonious (aka, she has to be irreverent)
hates bow ties/crazy socks (as i refuse to wear the regular kind of either anymore)

[Zedability]

doesn't want to stay at home
thinks she HAS to stay at home to be a good Mormon

Are you trying to start a rumble?

[Eirene]

doesn't want to stay at home
thinks she HAS to stay at home to be a good Mormon

Are you trying to start a rumble?

No rumble from me at least; I totally get the appeal of having one parent stay at home. It's so much nicer than hiring a nanny and so much easier than trying to fit chores, cooking and errands around two people's work schedules. I want a stay-at-home spouse too! Sometimes I tell LJ that we need to bring back polygamy so we can both work and the second wife can take care of our kids and cook us dinner.

[Imogen]

DEALBREAKERS:

not an active Mormon
doesn't want to stay at home
thinks she HAS to stay at home to be a good Mormon
not nice
not funny
crazy conservative
cat person
sanctimonious (aka, she has to be irreverent)
hates bow ties/crazy socks (as i refuse to wear the regular kind of either anymore)

your first item means i can never marry you, josh lyman-lite!!! why do you break my heart?!

[Zedability]

doesn't want to stay at home
thinks she HAS to stay at home to be a good Mormon

Are you trying to start a rumble?

No rumble from me at least; I totally get the appeal of having one parent stay at home. It's so much nicer than hiring a nanny and so much easier than trying to fit chores, cooking and errands around two people's work schedules. I want a stay-at-home spouse too! Sometimes I tell LJ that we need to bring back polygamy so we can both work and the second wife can take care of our kids and cook us dinner.

Oh, his criteria perfectly describes my position on the idea, I just remember a few months ago there was a LOT of discussion on the issue.

[Craig Jessop]

Sometimes I tell LJ that we need to bring back polygamy so we can both work and the second wife can take care of our kids and cook us dinner.

Interestingly, that was one of the big defenses polygamist women made for their lifestyle. They shouted far and wide that polygamy liberated them to fulfill their dreams. Multiple women in the household meant they didn't have to stay home all the time to clean and feed. Lots went to medical school or law school, served in the legislature, and played a prominent role in the national suffrage movement... all because a sister-wife or two stayed at home to do the traditional wifey things.

Also, I have no issue if the husband wants to stay at home. I just don't think I'd be able to do that.

As for you, Imogen... I know of a pair of young men or a pair of young women who'd LOVE to meet you!

[Giovanni Schwartz]

Craig, I love you.

[Cindy]

DEALBREAKERS:

doesn't want to stay at home

I totally don't have a problem with this being a dealbreaker -- I think it's important for couples to be on the same page about this kind of thing. But it does annoy me when guys use this as a dealbreaker without being in possession of the relevant facts. Some guys seem to use "professional job" as a proxy for "doesn't want to stay at home," so they automatically rule out any girl with a good career. It's annoying when you can sense a guy suddenly losing interest as soon as you mention your job, especially when you really do want to be a stay-at-home mom if the opportunity arises. I guess that sort of ties back to what Katya was saying -- it's important to make sure that you're actually looking at the internal personal characteristics and not just the external things that you associate with those characteristics. (Not saying that Craig has this issue -- just that I've been annoyed by some guys' application of this dealbreaker in the past.)


Most of my bright-line dealbreakers are for first dates, and those are pretty standard safety ones -- I won't go out with random homeless guys who ask me out on the street, or creepy guys who use the phrase "remote cave in the mountains" in their description of their ideal first date, or guys who tell me they've been professionally bike-racing in Europe for the past 7 years when actually they've just been released from a 7-year prison term. And so forth. That rules out the majority of the date offers I tend to get.

[Portia]

I feel like we've come to the conclusion that a sister-wife is basically a nanny who has sex with your husband. I want a nanny. I don't want her to have sex with my husband. I call dibs.

[Imogen]

Sometimes I tell LJ that we need to bring back polygamy so we can both work and the second wife can take care of our kids and cook us dinner.

Interestingly, that was one of the big defenses polygamist women made for their lifestyle. They shouted far and wide that polygamy liberated them to fulfill their dreams. Multiple women in the household meant they didn't have to stay home all the time to clean and feed. Lots went to medical school or law school, served in the legislature, and played a prominent role in the national suffrage movement... all because a sister-wife or two stayed at home to do the traditional wifey things.

Also, I have no issue if the husband wants to stay at home. I just don't think I'd be able to do that.

As for you, Imogen... I know of a pair of young men or a pair of young women who'd LOVE to meet you!

Men only, please. I know I went to a lesbian school, but I'm crazy enough on my own. I need a dude to mellow me out.