Relationships with Depressed People

[Integrating Editor]

This question got me thinking. When I'm really depressed, I push everyone who would normally be close to me, like family and friends, away. I turn to teachers and other people who are more distanced from me instead, and I think that I do it so that the people I care most about won't have to deal with the emotion and pain of seeing me suicidal, hallucinating, or hurting. I don't know that I even want to be close to anyone when I'm not doing well, because it feels as if I just keep asking more and more of them without being able to give anything in return. So rather than me feeling as if it would be a deal-breaker for other people that I have serious mental health issues, I feel more that my depression is a deal-breaker for me about starting a relationship. After all, why would I wish that kind of one-sided giving on anyone, let alone someone I care about? The writers' responses here do tell me that if I acknowledge the problem and prevent it from dominating my life, someone might be willing to take that on, but I don't even like getting close to people as friends. I can serve people and help them if they're not too close, but if they are then they get far more pain and give far more than I can offer in return. Asking someone to marry me with all of my problems seems, well, self-centered.

[S.A.M.]

Yes, when you aren't doing well, you'll be asking far more than you are giving. That happens all the time in relationships. When you are doing well, do the giving to your loved one. It's never exactly even, please don't expect it to be or keep score or anything like that when you are in a relationship. Just give/love as much as you can, when you can.

Many people have the mindset that their perceived, and even real, flaws/weakness/shortcomings/imperfections make them unlovable, or would be too damaging to another person, and so they refuse to let anyone get close. Yes, you may get hurt sometimes. Yes, you may hurt someone you really care about at times. I am not always the most amazing, perfect husband or daddy. Sometimes I am really stupid and hurt the feelings of those I love. The love/friends/relationships you will make are totally worth taking the chance that you may get hurt or give hurt.
We all have flaws/weakness/shortcomings/imperfections. It's not easy to let people get close and be vulnerable, but the rewards of doing so are so amazing.

There was a girl I could have married, but did not because I was totally worried about disappointing her. I did not believe I was as amazing as she thought I was. I did not want our relationship to develop to where she would realize that I was just some ordinary guy she was stuck with. Instead of opening up and letting her decide if ordinary me was really as amazing as she thought, I broke it off. I thought it would be less painful on her if I ended the relationship where it was than if we got engaged and then ended things. Stupid me.

So, let go of the fear! Expose yourself (well, not that way, but still), you are more lovable and loving than you think you are!

[Katya]

IE, I think you're both being too hard on yourself and being too hard on other people. You're being too hard on yourself because you're assuming that you don't have anything to offer others, or that what you have to offer is vastly outweighed by what you need from others. You're being too hard on others, because you assume that they'll get trapped into being your friend or significant other without being able to make thoughtful or rational decisions about the relationship. Like S.A.M. said, I think you need to give yourself and others the benefit of the doubt and open yourself up to others seeing good in you that you can't see in yourself. The only caution I'd give someone who was prone to depression is that it would be wise to have a long engagement before marriage so that your significant other could see you through a wide range of moods before making a commitment.