Buncha Crybabies

[SmurfBlueSnuggie]

http://theboard.byu.edu/questions/73572/

Story time: when I was a freshman, I had my first boyfriend. Then he broke up with me and I was, naturally very sad. We'd dated four months and he was a huge support during the loss of my grandfather and during several other trials. Sitting outside of a class the next morning, I read a blog post he wrote about moving on and sadness and how much he hadn't realized that little texts made his day. I promptly start crying. On the floor, outside my classroom.

I felt like an absolute idiot.

A kind upperclassman took pity on me and moved across the hall to sit next to me and ask what happened. She was understanding, sympathizing, and cheering all at once. She said it was normal to feel like that (I only had movies to go on, none of my friends had been through a break-up), and that now I just needed to focus on myself. "If you're feeling down, just remember all the guys you've wanted to get to know and now you can! Have a girl's night. You'll be great. You'll come out even better than before."

That was some of the best advice I ever received. And her courage to awkwardly approach a crying freshman really made a positive impact on me. I don't disagree with the answers, I think on this everyone needs to act how they feel most comfortable. But I am highly supportive and grateful to those who reach out and help out. I try to do that now in my life. Sometimes I can't, sometimes I'm too scared, but sometimes I do and it makes a difference.

[Tally M.]

I hate people seeing me cry, and so crying in public is kind of annoying for me. (I think that's the same for almost everyone though.)

However, last fall, I ended up being on the back stairs of the JKB in tears after finding out that my dad hadn't got yet another job. A girl stopped by and asked me if everything was okay, to which I replied, "I wish I could say it was."

Anyways, long story later, it was one of the most spiritual experiences I had last year, and I am extremely grateful to her for stopping.

[Marduk]

I'd just be curious if anyone would stop if they saw a man crying, or if they'd just feel extremely awkward.

[Genuine Article]

I'd just be curious if anyone would stop if they saw a man crying, or if they'd just feel extremely awkward.

This is something my health teacher brought up in high school. He told us to picture walking down the hallway and seeing a girl crying. What would we do, what would we assume? We gave our answers, and then he told us to picture the same thing, but with a boy crying. We admitted that we wouldn't think twice about seeing a girl cry in public, but that seeing a boy crying in the hallway would really freak us out. It all led to an interesting discussion about gender roles and social expectations and where the idea that boys shouldn't cry comes from.

[Digit]

There's always that incredibly uncomfortable to watch show called "What Would You Do?" hosted by John Quinones, where actors stage things like employees at a bakery racistly denying a Muslim person service, a couple loudly fighting in a park, or a small child pretending to be lost on a street corner asking passersby for help. Then John jumps out before the people who ignored it get away to ask them why they didn't help. I've only seen a bit of the show because I don't like the premise at all. If there ever were "gotcha" journalism...

[UffishThought]

And then it being a man raises a whole new set of questions. Not only might I think there's a higher possibility he's unbalanced (because of the unfair gender expectations), I'd also be worried it was some kind of trap. Most men could overpower me, and though maybe I'm paranoid to do so, I'd avoid anything outside of the social norm, for safety's sake.

[mic0]

I don't know what I would do if I saw a man crying in public. When I've seen women crying in public (already super rare), I sometimes smile and just keep walking. When I have cried in public,I have always been on my way to a private place (at LEAST a bathroom stall, if not my car or home or an isolated area). I don't think seeing a man crying in public would freak me out. Why should it? I feel bad that men feel like they need to hide their emotions, and so I wouldn't want to make him feel worse about it. :/ Maybe this should be its own thread, btw?

[SmurfBlueSnuggie]

Is there a way to move it to its own thread?

I think I would respond about the same to a man crying in public as to a woman: I'd try to get the courage to go up to talk to them. For the same reasons as Uffish, safety would factor into that courage. It's more likely I'd go up to him if it were a well-lit place I was familiar with, or if other people were nearby enough for me to not feel isolated with him.

[C is for]

Is there a way to move it to its own thread?

seriously guys this place is not for discussion it's for light-hearted non-discussions

[SmurfBlueSnuggie]

Thanks C, that was totally my point. I mean, why would we want to discuss our personal feeling of how best to support someone having a public melt down? That's such a downer, grouchy, highly-charged topic. Someone is going to get offended. *end sarcasm*

On point: does age make a difference? I am more likely to reach out to someone close to my age, or young enough to look like they need an adult. I wouldn't reach out to a high-school aged kid because I'd assume it's probably not too serious and I would just make them uncomfortable. And I am unlikely to reach out to someone noticeably older than me because I'd think my comparative youth would make me a less effective support for them.

[Portia]

I wouldn't reach out to a high-school aged kid because I'd assume it's probably not too serious.

Why? High-schoolers have problems, too. (And are actually quite receptive to emotional support.)

[SmurfBlueSnuggie]

I think I phrased that poorly. I would assume that they weren't without support. This is colored by my own experiences, and I know it is not true for many teens. My high school was small, and every student there had a strong support system in place for them. If I had been approached by a stranger at that age, I would have either freaked out about why they were coming up to me or been so embarrassed I wouldn't have opened up. Because of this, I feel like my reaching out to a high-schooler would not provide the best help they have available, and might even make the situation worse.

How does this differ from a college student? Well, my basic assumptions about their life situation are different. It is more likely the person is living away from their family. They are trying to achieve a new level of independence. They might not reach out to any family or support system they have. At least not at first. This time of life is a trying period and a time to prove they can do things on their own. But having peer support can help get through the tough times without relying on parents or other authority figures.

Would there be a way to approach a teen without putting up their walls too much? Maybe it wouldn't be that different than how I approach peers, but looking back at how I much I changed after graduation, I think I was significantly more receptive later on. I'd love to hear insights as to why my perception might be skewed or ways to get around what makes me nervous here.

[Emiliana]

When I was in college I sat down outside the library at probably 11 at night and cried, and some guy asked if I was okay and offered to walk me home. It was the start of a very strange friendship, which mostly consisted of running into each other on campus every few months and having intense conversations about spiritual matters.

I'm not sure what I'd do if I saw a guy crying in public. If it were at my school I'd see what was up and what I could do, but under other circumstances probably not.

[Imogen]

My senior year I was dating a guy and we had some fight. The next day in choir I asked if we could talk, and he said he was busy. He was really talking to other girls to make me jealous, so I went out in the hallway, sat down, and cried. I had my face pressed into my knees. Someone came by and asked if I was ok. I don't remember what I said, but my boyfriend ended up coming out when he found out I was outside crying since he apparently didn't mean to hurt my feelings.

When I started college my boyfriend back in Texas and I would fight a lot over the phone. My roommate didn't like me talking on the phone in out room, so I always ended up in the stairwell crying on the phone. One night was really bad, and someone asked if I was ok. I think I kinda nodded, and he left. Then my dorm president walked by and asked if I was ok. I nodded again. They both went to my student fellow to tell her where I was, which was sweet because it showed they cared.

I try to stop and check on people when they're crying. Sometimes people just need to know someone cares.

[blpsara]

I don't have one certain way I always act.

I usually DO stop when someone is crying though, even if it's just to quickly ask either "are you okay?" or "can I do anything for you?" Generally their answer is such that I move on, but quite a few times they have talked to me for a few minutes. Whether or not I made a difference, I don't know, but I have a hard time just walking by.

And I almost always stop if they are teenagers. I don't know if that's because I work in young women's, or if I'm just comfortable with that age group...

[vorpal blade]

I remember once noticing a woman who might have been crying just before Sacrament meeting started. I thought I should go talk to her. Just before I said something I had the impression that I should leave her alone. I followed the impression and walked on by. Later I learned that she liked to listen to the prelude music before Church starts, so she would come in a little early to ponder and meditate. And she didn't like to be disturbed. I'm glad I followed the prompting then.

Another time, when I was a student at U. of U. I was visiting the dialysis unit of the University hospital. I noticed a young woman sitting in a wheelchair crying. I supposed she was feeling sad because being on dialysis kind of ruins your life. I could think of nothing to say to her. So I said nothing. Perhaps if I had had the courage to speak to her, taking that leap of faith, the right words might have come to me. But I said nothing, and the image of her crying bothers me to this day.

[thatonemom]

This is starting to make me reconsider my position of leaving crying people alone. I'm not much of a crier, so when it does happen I really prefer to be left alone.
Now, if it's a kid, or I'm obviously in a sort of helper-position (like visiting teaching, or teaching a class, or when I worked for BYU), that was totally different. But if it's a stranger and I'm just going about my day...

[mic0]

Maybe I read through your replies too quickly, but I have to ask: have any of you seen an adult man crying in public? I honestly don't think I ever have. And I've only seen a handful of women, so I just assume men are able to hold it in a teeny bit longer in order to get somewhere private.

ETA: Or, have any of the men here cried in public as a teenager or adult?

[UffishThought]

Well then, to show the other side, thatonemom, I cry ALL THE TIME, and it annoys me. The thing I would most like to be is invisible when that happens. I don't want to talk it out with a stranger, and I don't usually want to talk it out with a friend, either, because most of the time it's not a big deal. My tear ducts seem to kick in when I'm even thinking about emotion. Usually, what I need most is to be treated like nothing is wrong until I can show my brain "see? There's no emergency here!" and snap out of it. People paying attention to me generally make it worse, and actual sympathy can really bring out the waterworks.

I'm busy trying to train my boyfriend on this concept, but he's finding it hard.

[essgame]

I'm new to BYU and the Board. I'm inordinately pleased with myself to have asked a question that prompted a discussion on an intellectual forum. I don't have anything to contribute, but I love your stories about witnessing grief and providing/ receiving comfort.