my sis-in-law

[Dragon Lady]

So, this isn't really a rant on my sis-in-law specifically (though I could do that) but it sort of is. But to make it brief, my oldest brother married a girl that loved us all at first and on their wedding day turned distant and cold to my family. They've had a fair bit of contact with Brother #2, since he lived with them for a few years, and still stay in touch. I've probably had the next most contact, but that was mostly because I was single and lived in the same city, so hey! Free babysitting! But now that I'm married with a child, they've stopped asking me to babysit (plus their oldest can do most of that now) so I rarely see them anymore. Even when we invite their family to family events (Hey! Sister is in town, let's have a family dinner!) only my brother comes. Every once in awhile he'll bring a child or two, but rarely my sis-in-law. (She did come to my parents' farewell this past fall, but I'm pretty sure that's the last time I've seen her, despite her living less than 10 minutes away and seeing my brother a handful of times in that period.)

Now on to the real point of this rant. On my blog this year I've been doing birthday spotlights for members of my family. I'm way behind on them, so I'm trying to catch up today. I've just been going down the list of bdays I've missed and pulling out pictures to go along with them. When I got to SIL, I remembered that she's asked me not to post pictures of her family online. Which means for their whole family, I have to do text-only blogs. Which is a lot harder, but can be done. Except… now I have to do a text-only blog spotlighting SIL for her bday! What in the world am I supposed to say about her? A) I barely know her and B) most of what I do know about her makes me angry and frustrated inside because I feel like she's the root of pulling my family apart. (And we're not the super clingy kind of family either. This isn't like Sky Bones "stealing" her husband from his mother who is really just a control freak. This is like… we never ever get to see 1/5 of my family. Except when I ask my brother if I can use him and his truck to move a washer and dryer or something.)

I guess I'm just having a really hard time finding something that I want to say on a public forum that is nice and still honest. And I don't feel like I can leave her out, because that's just rude, too. I mean, I want to like her. And when I do spend time with her, she's very nice. But, "SIL is very nice when you talk to her" seems like a really lame blog. So far the only thing I've got (which I won't post) is, "SIL married my oldest brother. Since then, I've rarely seen her or her family except when they want me to babysit. Welcome to the family, SIL! Hope we see you sometime!" My sister thinks if I post that, maybe she'll take a hint. But I could never post anything like that.

Anyway, I'm just at a loss. And I'm frustrated that I've even put myself in this position. Ugh.

[TheAnswerIs42]

Ouch, that is hard. For all the clingy-ness in my in-law side, my immediate family has a lot of this. Most of it is my brothers just not caring, despite their wives trying to get them to talk to their family, but there are some choice SILs in there too. The thing is, there are people out there who either a) don't care about staying in touch with family or b) never want to truly join someone else's family because they like their own too much. (I have one of each of those in my family.) My mother hears from some of her sons maybe two or three times a year - assuming they called on Mother's Day and Christmas, which doesn't always happen.

Unfortunately, there isn't much you can do or say. I have a feeling a person like that isn't reading a family blog anyway. Do you know anything about her at all? Hobbies or interests? Or maybe could you contact your brother and say that you would like to learn something about her to put on there? I think that saying what little you know and ending with some "we enjoy getting to know her!" comment is about all you can do.

If sympathy is any help, for years I have been the official calendar maker. I try to put 5-6 pictures of each grandkid and 2-4 of each adult in the calendar, and some families are great about getting me a lot of pictures to choose from. But a couple of families never respond. I always get mad at myself for even trying, but all I can do is put in what is provided to me. So they don't get many pictures in the calendar. In your case, it is the same problem. You can only put in there what you are given. Information isn't as concrete as a picture, but the idea is still true. If she doesn't share her life with you, then she will understand that you have nothing to say about her. And the unfortunate truth is that obviously, that doesn't bother her, or she would have tried to contact you more.

[Dragon Lady]

I have a feeling a person like that isn't reading a family blog anyway.

Unfortunately, she does. It was after I birthday spotlighted her daughter in January that I got the angry chat telling me that she didn't appreciate me putting pictures of her family online without permission and to please take them down immediately.

However, partly out of not caring and partly out of spite (because I'm a passive-aggressive sort) I've decided not to take that into account when I do a family post later in the year where I put up all the family pictures since I was a wee one up until the most recent one this fall. And if she whines because her kids' faces are on it, maybe I'll go put paper bags on all of them and make a note, "Sorry for some of the faceless people. My sis-in-law doesn't want their faces on the Internets, never mind the fact that 4 of the 5 of their family have Facebook and that my sis-in-law has her own public blog that she puts pics of her kids on." Ok, I probably wouldn't put ALL of that on there. But I would mention that it was by request of my sis-in-law that I covered up their faces.

Ugh. Maybe I'm just being cranky today. (Ok, there's no maybe there. I AM cranky today.) Maybe by the time I actually type up the blog posts I'll be in a much nicer mood.

[krebscout]

Why not just a simple, "This is my favorite memory of Sally*, and I hope to create more memories with her soon"? Loving and inviting minus the passive-aggressiveness that would probably bring back the cat-claws.

*Name has been changed because I do not know the name.

[TheAnswerIs42]

Wait, she told you to keep pictures off your blog, but has pictures on hers? What on earth is the difference? I mean, I know internet paranoid people, but usually that runs across the board. I have never figured out what they hope to prevent by not putting pictures of their kids online, but this is . . . really inconsistent. Especially if the blog is public, as making it private is usually the first step in internet paranoia. Ugh.

[krebscout]

I think it's more of a permission thing.

[Dragon Lady]

Well, she actually deleted her blog and told everyone she was deleting it. Then a couple of months later, probably assuming no one checked it any more, she started blogging again. So I think in her head, her blog is practically private. But I had it in my RSS feed and never delete things out of it. (And often get pleasantly surprised at the number of people who re-start blogs years later.) So I keep reading it, but I tactfully never mention it in case it freaks her out and she takes it down again. It's the only way I keep up on her kids' lives, so I don't want to lose that connection.

Also, I've never understood the private blog thing either, but I respect other people when they choose to make theirs private.

And I think it is probably a permission thing. But when I talked to my brother he had no clue that Sally (that's a good fake name. Let's stick with it.) had any problems with my blogging pictures and he didn't have any problems with it, but suggested maybe I just leave pictures off to satisfy her. So I suppose I could go ahead and ask for permission, but I feel silly doing so now. Especially since I never ever talk to her. And clearly she hasn't talked to my brother about it, so I almost feel like his permission wouldn't be valid. I don't even know her phone number. (Maybe it's still in my phone? I dunno…) I could email her, but she never replies. And lately she won't even respond to a chat message. (She chewed me out over chat so I apologized over chat and have never heard another thing from her.) So… I just don't put on pictures. It seems the easiest way around it. I may grumble about it, but it seems the best way to keep the peace.

And krebscout, that's part of the problem. I don't have a favorite memory of Sally. I suppose I could mention how she used to let me do her laundry at her place when my apartment's laundromat started doubling their costs. But that seems like a lame favorite memory. When she does come to family things, she generally spends most of her time in her room with a headache. So despite the fact that they got married probably 15+ years ago, I really barely know her. I'll probably go along some of those lines, though. Put what I do know with a hope to make more memories. I'll probably even put the blame on not knowing her well to the 14-year age gap between my brother and I and not make it sound like she's just a jerk to my family.

(Honestly, guys. I would never say anything mean about anyone publicly. I only decided to put it on here because it's anonymous and I needed advice. Though, now when those of you who read my real blog get to a text-only really short bday spotlight, the anonymity will be ruined. So, if you happen to know her in real life, please don't let on to her what went on in the background of writing it and don't think I'm a jerk for thinking it. [sigh])

[Sky Bones]

I know we've briefly discussed this before, DL, but I have some new thoughts, too. As I mentioned to you, your sis-in-law sounds almost exactly like my oldest brother's wife. She always acts friendly and positive when she's around... but the thing is she is never around. Granted, they do live about 3 hours away, but over the last few years I think she's come down to visit with my brother and their daughter maybe once... possibly twice? It's frustrating. How am I supposed to like her and get to know her when she completely shuts out everyone in my family?

Anyway, I've come to realize that she's very much attached to her family and, as 42 mentioned, just isn't interested in joining another family. But I'm finally fine with that. It's her life and her choice, and I'm not going to try to force something that just isn't there. It's sad to think that we may never get over that "acquaintance" status where I feel like I always have to tread carefully around her, but I try not to pull words out of her mouth. I can only guess why she acts the way she is, and I do my best to give her the benefit of the doubt and to be supportive (not that there's much I can do when you rarely see the person). I guess what I'm trying to say is your idea of an ideal family situation is just really different from her idea, so you can only make the best out of what is really there and try (I know, it's so difficult) to not get frustrated.

I have one last suggestion to consider. Have you tried talking to your brother? And I'm not just talking about your situation with his wife, but truly had a discussion with him about his home life? Again, I'm really not trying to fabricate the situation here, but sometimes I wonder if part of the reason my sis-in-law wants nothing to do with my side of the family is because their marriage has been a little rocky and they don't want anyone else to be involved/know...? I don't hardly know any details myself, and I'm mostly judging this based on bits and pieces my brother has offhandedly mentioned and the fact that her relationship status on Facebook has been switched to single with a status update about how crappy her life is (switched back to married soon thereafter, of course) a couple times since they got married 11 months ago. It's difficult not to speculate, but I worry. When things aren't going so well, some people will withdraw from the support of family and even friends. Just throwing that out there...

[Imogen]

as to your blog problem, could you talk about your SIL's generosity in letting you use their home and turn that into how she has a very generous spirit and you hope to be as generous to another as she was to you? it's nice, and true.

[Whistler]

as to your blog problem, could you talk about your SIL's generosity in letting you use their home and turn that into how she has a very generous spirit and you hope to be as generous to another as she was to you? it's nice, and true.

I agree. You have a story. Either that or ask your brother for some help?