is staying home worth it?

[Portia]

I didn't want to threadjack bob's topic too much, so here goes, another response:

Considering how the stay-at-home life worked out for my own mother (dead before her 46th birthday :( !!!), I'm probably going through a cynical phase right now. it really, really sucks to have your entire life be unrecognized and unappreciated. When people were like, "but your great kids had to make it worth it!" I was like "no, no, we don't. We might be attractive and fairly intelligent children, but there is no way that she would have chosen 25 years of drudgery and stress." The father of an Asian guy I went out with met the same fate at a similar age, and the son respected him so much - he was a renowned epidemiologist, well-liked by his colleagues and by all accounts, a great dad. Sorry, but when you're a stay-at-home-mom, your obituary is not going to read the same. It made me really, really depressed to realize that no one outside her small circle really cared. And I feel like it's my fault. (Since I was the wrench in her life plans.) :( /nowyouknowmorethanyoucaredtoaboutmypersonallife

[bobtheenchantedone]

It's a good question, and one that's tough for me to answer. My mother is a stay-at-home mom, and I don't think it's done her many favors. She does enjoy many homemaking activities, such as baking, cooking, making clothes, crafting, teaching children, planning parties, all sorts of things, but long years of little recognition and little chance or motivation for growth in any of these areas has left her without enough motivation to take care of things any more but enough guilt to make her miserable for not doing anything.

However, that said, I think there's something you're missing here (which I admit may not apply in your case, but is worth mentioning) - not everyone desires the praise and acknowledgement of others. There are many people who would be perfectly content having their legacy be their children, even if they themselves are not even a footnote in history. Take my grandfather, who honestly didn't achieve much in the world but is a kind, gentle, and loving man whose last years have been spent living quietly with first one of his daughters and recently myself and my sister. He doesn't care to be known or respected by many. Being a help to those few he can be is enough.

And my grandmother, his wife - now that was a force of nature. I don't know that she ever had a job, but as a stay-at-home mom she cared for and made a large impact in not just the lives of her own ten children but also many other people through her years of service as a Cub Scout leader and probably other things that I sadly don't know about. Most of my own fading memories of her are of parties she arranged, family gatherings she insisted on, advice she would give, and other ways that she continued to be involved in the lives of all around her. Some of her children now remember her as a little overbearing, but boy is she remembered.

[Zedability]

My aunt died of cancer at age 42ish. She taught piano and worked as a bank teller or at the YMCA to make ends meet on occasion, but she majored in something like Home Ec or something and she was always more of "the mom." But over 600 people came to her funeral - they had to put up chairs all the way to the back of the gymnasium in the chapel. When she died, everyone had a similar respect for her and a feeling that she had lived a full life, similar to Portia's acquaintance's dad. I really think it depends on circumstances beyond whether or not you have a career.

When I say I'd be a stay-at-home mom, I don't think it would necessarily be for 25 years or my whole life or anything. Once all my kids were in school full-time, I think I'd get bored if I couldn't work some of the time.

I still remember my mom making me sandwiches and doing crafts with me when I was little. I also remember the occasions when she'd work and someone else would look after me, and I know which option I preferred at the time. At the same time, my mom works part-time now and I know she really enjoys it. It also gave me a sense of greater security as a teenager to know that my mom could switch to full-time work and support our family if anything happened to my dad.

[Defy V]

Portia, I am so sorry to hear about your mom. Sending love and prayers your way across the internet.

So this is an interesting topic for me these days because I am in the throes of stay-at-home momhood (and I am one who does a lot of staying at home since I'm not brave enough to venture out into this new city while my husband is at school). And being another one of "the moms" rather than the "prodigy" who skipped a grade and double majored and then did a master's in one year . . . it's really got me thinking.

Up to this point, all my accomplishments required practice, hard work, and brains. Conversely, all that it took for me to become a mom was working ovaries and a uterus (and a husband). And all my prior accomplishments mean nothing to my baby. In fact, I'm surrounded by other moms who may not have ever set foot in college, and they sometimes seem to be doing better at being a mom than me!

So there are two questions in my mind. The first is, was it worth it for me to kill myself for school just to turn around and have kids for the next decade or so? The answer is yes. I am so grateful that I got as much education as I did, and not just because "in case your husband dies, you can support yourself." The other question is, am I glad that I'm home with a baby rather than using the skills I spent years developing? And the answer to that is also unequivocally yes. I didn't like babies much until I had one and now I've decided that heaven will be filled with babies. So your mom may have chosen "25 years of drudgery and stress" even if she knew that was all she'd get because it meant she got to have you guys.

Don't get me wrong -- it would be really, really nice to have my obituary be filled with accomplishments like "solved the Riemann hypothesis" or "developed a new drug which cures the common cold" or "composed the seminal piano piece of the century." But even if all it says is "mother of four" (or five, or six, or seven, or whatever) I don't feel like my entire life would be unrecognized and unappreciated.

Anyway, those are my thoughts. I don't expect every other mom in the world to feel the way I do. (And don't get me wrong, I've had a lot of lows and some incredibly difficult days the past few months, and I'd still choose this over a job making $70k.) /nowyouknowmorethanyoucaredtoaboutmypersonallifealso

[TheAnswerIs42]

This is a topic I really, really struggle with, to be honest. I feel, like the original question asker, stuck being told that this is "all I'm good for." Sure, some aspects of my life are good and worthy things- teaching my children morals, reading, and everything else are great things to work on - but honestly most of my life is an endless swamp of cleaning toilets and picking up the same toys every day and lots of other stupid, awful tasks. I'm rather a homebody just because I feel like I can't go "play" if I don't have my chores done, and since I am such a terrible housekeeper that's just never the case. So I sit at home and steal a few minutes here and there on the internet (my only adult interaction). Maybe the best way to phrase it is that I like being a mother, but hate being a housekeeper.

Honestly, I really look forward to going back to work when I can. I hope I can pull it off. Because I really did LOVE my job. Teaching high school kids Algebra was thankless, hard work - but somehow it was just what I loved. I felt fulfilled because of that - when someone asked about me, I could tell them about my job. Now I just get to tell them about my kids or my husband, because I (in my mind) don't have a life of my own anymore. Having the patience to deal with 20 poopy accidents from my Autistic son every week without blowing up at him isn't exactly the sort of accomplishment you can feel proud of, even if it took more fortitude than the average 3 credit class I took in college. I am often jealous of my husband, who can talk to everyone about his IronMan or his career or all of his accomplishments, in that way. But for me, it isn't about the praise of others as much as my own personal identity. The appeal of accomplishing something of IronMan level isn't because I want to brag about it, but because I want to feel like I actually did something amazing. And being a Mom isn't a grand achievement - I'm doing mostly the same thing everyone else in my neighborhood is doing, with more or less the same amount of success.

[Katya]

But for me, it isn't about the praise of others as much as my own personal identity.

This.

[krebscout]

I don't have too much to say here, as I'm trying to figure it all out, too, but I am one of those stay-at-home-working moms (my little business, fun as it was, is pretty much dead because I was simply not earning enough money for my time, not to mention the stress of trying to do all the businessy stuff that doesn't come naturally to me. I'm now doing freelance illustration, which pays much better and doesn't include the great burden of being in charge) and all I can say is...it's hard. It's just so hard. I've been every type of mom along this spectrum (if only for a few months at a time), and they're all so, so hard. Life is just hard, and I don't think there's a bright and shiny solution to this one that fits everybody — or anybody — perfectly.

[Portia]

Portia, I am so sorry to hear about your mom. Sending love and prayers your way across the internet.

So this is an interesting topic for me these days because I am in the throes of stay-at-home momhood (and I am one who does a lot of staying at home since I'm not brave enough to venture out into this new city while my husband is at school). And being another one of "the moms" rather than the "prodigy" who skipped a grade and double majored and then did a master's in one year . . . it's really got me thinking.

Up to this point, all my accomplishments required practice, hard work, and brains. Conversely, all that it took for me to become a mom was working ovaries and a uterus (and a husband). And all my prior accomplishments mean nothing to my baby. In fact, I'm surrounded by other moms who may not have ever set foot in college, and they sometimes seem to be doing better at being a mom than me!

So there are two questions in my mind. The first is, was it worth it for me to kill myself for school just to turn around and have kids for the next decade or so? The answer is yes. I am so grateful that I got as much education as I did, and not just because "in case your husband dies, you can support yourself." The other question is, am I glad that I'm home with a baby rather than using the skills I spent years developing? And the answer to that is also unequivocally yes. I didn't like babies much until I had one and now I've decided that heaven will be filled with babies. So your mom may have chosen "25 years of drudgery and stress" even if she knew that was all she'd get because it meant she got to have you guys.

Don't get me wrong -- it would be really, really nice to have my obituary be filled with accomplishments like "solved the Riemann hypothesis" or "developed a new drug which cures the common cold" or "composed the seminal piano piece of the century." But even if all it says is "mother of four" (or five, or six, or seven, or whatever) I don't feel like my entire life would be unrecognized and unappreciated.

Anyway, those are my thoughts. I don't expect every other mom in the world to feel the way I do. (And don't get me wrong, I've had a lot of lows and some incredibly difficult days the past few months, and I'd still choose this over a job making $70k.) /nowyouknowmorethanyoucaredtoaboutmypersonallifealso

Wow, thank you, that was so thoughtful. This has been really emotionally difficult for me. I too was the "prodigy" who skipped a grade. My mom was rather a Tiger Mother and always pushed me really hard (I think because she was young, had lots of energy, had travelled, but never worked, so my success WAS her job), so I've been feeling very depressed that I let her down. In fact, sometimes I've been angry, too, feeling like I'm not her "dancing monkey." I think the whole difficult experience has helped me to understand her decisions even though I DEFINITELY do not agree with them all the time (when I was a young teenager, she had a very quick temper and she has since apologized for the times she would yell at me for small things), I admire her for making the best of difficult circumstances. She never tried to blame others for her problems, and she never complained about getting a TERRIBLE disease (although, um, she complained plenty about other things. She's a touch sarcastic ). Everyone dies and will be forgotten, whether that's decades, centuries, or millennia later. What I want is not what she wants, and we've BOTH had to learn that that's OKAY! Thanks again.

[Katya]

What I want is not what she wants, and we've BOTH had to learn that that's OKAY! Thanks again.

<3

[Katya]

There are a couple of behaviors that really annoy me—the phrase "we're in grad school" when just the husband is, and the propensity of every SAHM with a decent camera to declare herself a professional photographer—but I've realized that both of those behaviors are about trying to claim an identity beyond wife/mother, and that realization has helped me to be more sympathetic and understanding.

[krebscout]

This isn't entirely relevant to the original topic, but hey, that's how we roll. This is from Louis C.K., on the joy and frustration of being a parent:

“Any parent who is honest will tell you, you live with that ambivalence. You look at the face of your beautiful, lovely child and you think two things at the exact same time: ‘I love this kid so much that it ‘s changed my whole life. I love other people more because of how much I love her. I love people that died years ago more. My love has traveled time because of how completely I love her and she loves me back. She’s completely given value to life that didn’t exist before and I regret every decision that led to her birth’. That’s how it feels.”

[Dragon Lady]

Hi! I kind of forgot this board existed. [shame] And... I probably won't spend too much time here, at least commenting, because my keyboard seems to hate the forum at present. That said, I still wanted to comment.

I have found myself, at times, wishing for a life outside of children. Today being one of them. 6.5 hours of a crying baby with no discernible reason? Ugh. It can be rough. I often wish to take more classes somewhere. To develop myself more. To have a life outside my children.

But then I think about who I am now versus who I was 5 years ago. When Yellow and I were dating I recall asking him, in all sincerity, "Am I passionate about anything?" His response? "…. ummm… Harry Potter?" Do you know how lame I felt? I was a recent graduate with my bachelors. I'd spent a semester in China and another in the Holy Land. I had a great job where I was very well respected (they still ask one of my former co-workers and friends what they need to do to bring me back) and I did my job very well. And the only thing I was passionate about was a fictional world. I couldn't even disagree. I couldn't think of anything else. (And the wonderful man still married me!)

Now if you were to ask the same question the answer would be much different. I am an advocate for natural birth. I am passionate about the wonders of the female body. I understand more about myself because I bore children than I ever even considered having an interest in before. I am passionate about my children's education. I want to instill a love of learning. And yes, that means sacrificing some "me time" in order to do learning activities with Dragon Baby and to make sure she's having fun instead of just entertaining herself. It means I spend a lot more of my time talking about the basic functions and the why's of pretty much everything than I do talking to adults about topics I care more about. It means I sacrifice a whole lot of my sleep and I have developed a loathing for everything potty training.

But do you know what classes I would take if I could? Botany. Why? Not to eliminate noxious weeds or to solve world hunger (fun fact: my brother-in-law grows noxious weeds for a living). But because I like to grow pretty plants and want my landscaping to look nice. How's that for an obituary? "DL's yard was always the nicest-looking yard on the block." Or I would become certified to become a Hypnobirthing instructor. Or maybe a cooking class so I can enjoy cooking again (I'm not sure what my problem is there.) Or become a Master Gardener.

I find it quite telling that, for me, my choice of classes I would take to develop myself in areas that I am interested in are classes that would make me a better wife and mother and homemaker.

Then again, as much as I loved my job and was pretty darn good at it, I found myself watching the clock almost every day. I never hated a job, but I never loved a job. I never got excited to go to work. (Though I still dream about waitressing.) I counted down days until I could quit my job and become a mom.

If I had a choice of what I would do with my life, what I would be known as, without having any criticism if I chose to not be a SAHM, I would still choose to be a SAHM. If I could choose what my obituary someday said or what people would label me as, it would be for being a super awesome mom who did awesome things with her kids, was super crafty, and was kind and generous to everyone I came in contact with. My funeral would be full, not because I did some great and amazing thing that the world would know me for, but because I touched each individual person who attended on a very personal level at some point during their life.

I've missed several funerals in my life for various reasons. Whose funeral do I regret missing most? President Hinckley's? A wonderful man who touched my life in many ways? Someone I will always feel a fondness for? Someone I will always remember as my prophet? Someone who achieved many great and wonderful things? Nope. The one I regret missing the most is my school bus driver. Someone who probably would never be labeled as an over-achiever. Someone who was a SAHM and then after her husband died drove a school bus and was responsible for a bunch of rotten kids for 2 hours every school day. She was part of my life for 10 hours a week from Kindergarten until 9th grade. She became my friend. In high school when I drove to school, I would still swing by her bus after school, just to chat. I remember hating her as a young child because of the assigned seat she gave me. I remember her fondly touching the picture of her husband she kept on her dash. I still remember a joke she told me. I remember the pranks I played on her. I remember the look she would give me that was supposed to be stern, but couldn't hide the twinkle in her eye.

That's the kind of person I want to be.