74239 - Telling a friend that they have BPD

[TheBlackSheep]

http://theboard.byu.edu/questions/74239/

Beautiful Joe or Ginger,

First of all, use those years of professional experience to not let yourself get whipped anymore. Set boundaries and follow through. Keep yourself safe. Those who have borderline personality disorder are known for their tempestuous and manipulative relationships (I hate you; don't leave me!), and, frankly, they have no control over that without intensive treatment. You do have control.

Secondly, I think Stego Lily is right when she says to approach the person saying simply that they have had a hard time and that they can seek help from a therapist. One of the distinguishing characteristics of borderline personality disorder (and one thing that distinguishes BPD from the other personality disorders) is that people who experience it are in a constant state of psychological pain. Speak to this pain and encourage them to seek treatment for it. They don't need to hear that you think they have borderline personality disorder. People with BPD often experience complete lack of identity, and if you fill that void with a difficult to treat diagnosis, it may be too much for them to tolerate.

As I said before, nobody chooses BPD or any personality disorder (or any mental disorder). People with BPD lack control over these behaviors, which is what makes it a disorder. The behaviors are what have allowed them to survive so far. You probably aren't going to change it. Rather than just letting them know, which will probably only benefit you emotionally, as it will make them feel like crap and destabilize your relationship without moving toward any real change, you can let them know which behaviors of theirs are unacceptable and then tell them what limits you are setting. For example, "I like that we can talk about your problems and I know that you feel that you can only talk to me, but I feel overwhelmed when we talk about them for so long, and it inhibits my ability to meet other obligations. You can talk to me about whatever you want for 15 minutes every day, but after that I need to do homework, and I will let you know if I have other available time." Another example: "I appreciate that you trust me enough to tell me when you are struggling and I know that you feel I am the only person you can trust. However, I feel confused, overwhelmed, and scared when you tell me you are going to kill yourself. I need to protect myself, too, so if you tell me that again I am going to end that conversation and call 911."

You, my friend, are no victim of this person. You can protect yourself. You don't have to take their nonsense to prove you are a good person. You don't have to be a perfect doormat to be a good friend or prove you are sufficiently Christ-like.

[Portia]

I didn't know anything about this going in. Thanks for the perspective on this and eating disorders.

The name makes it sound ... inconclusive? Unfortunately.

[TheBlackSheep]

Right? I have always thought, Borderline of what?

[NerdGirl]

^The "borderline" between neurosis and psychosis, because people used to think that was what was going on. Which is really not what is going on at all in BPD (it was thought to be on a spectrum with schizophrenia back in the 1930s if I remember right), but no one has bothered to change the name. Maybe they will finally come up with a better name for it in when DSM 6 comes around, but I'm not holding my breath.

[Portia]

^The "borderline" between neurosis and psychosis, because people used to think that was what was going on. Which is really not what is going on at all in BPD (it was thought to be on a spectrum with schizophrenia back in the 1930s if I remember right), but no one has bothered to change the name. Maybe they will finally come up with a better name for it in when DSM 6 comes around, but I'm not holding my breath.

Yup, Wikipedia agrees with you.

[Portia]

Now that I think about it, there is a girl from my home ward whose personality had some striking similarities to this. She may have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder; I'm not 100% sure. It was very sad. She would swing wildly from euphoric goal-setting to destructive behaviors. And this was from a very young age, like, 13.