I have absolutely felt like this. In fact, my roommates know to leave me alone for a while after church because I'm bound to be on edge, and I probably cry in more church meetings than I don't. Also, my frustration with the world is always at its peak after reading the scriptures or attending a religion class. Part of it is that I pay attention to details, so if something is said incorrectly in church, it gnaws at me, and I want to fix it. Part of it is that I hate hearing people's conservative politics preached as religion. Part of it is that when I ponder the big picture of life, which religious study has a tendency to spark, I feel some of the sorrow of the world. Even learning about the plan of salvation, supposedly a very happy topic, brings to mind the contrast between our portrayal of the celestial kingdom and the horrors of this world. Having had as deep of experiences with the misery this world has to offer, I feel deeply unhappy that so many have suffered so much. I retreat into mathematics to escape from the sheer magnitude of human suffering. But I keep going back to church, keep reading my scriptures, keep praying because God has told me to. I have chosen, time and time again, to trust the Lord that my pain and sorrow will be made up to me in the end, even if my own reason says that there's no reason to believe. In some ways, my dedication to the church is far stronger than that of many of my associates because I am choosing to stay in spite of myself and, in some cases, in spite of those around me.And in fact, I find that oftentimes when I'm at church, or when I do feel like a lesson really did sink in and I'm pondering it, it almost seems to fester and to gnaw away at me—in a way that very distinctly reminds me of my former, unhappy, but ruminating self. Some days (probably too often), I also just hate Sundays and lie in bed wishing there was some way I didn't have to go to church. I think there's a vague correlation here, but I can't tell whether there's a part of myself that just wishes that to be true. . . . So I guess my question is this: have any of you ever felt like this? And even if not, do you have any advice on how exactly to manage these kinds of feelings?
My coping mechanism is to allow myself to do something else in church if it's getting to be too much. I write my feelings out, letting my mind go where it wants to. I find someone who understands, who has felt that same pain when considering the world. Sometimes I let myself acknowledge that the perspective I have on the world because of the pain I've been through is a strength. In times of desperation, the world has historically turned to the mentally ill, like Churchill or Lincoln. Most people are overly optimistic, unable to see clearly in such times because it wreaks such havoc on their worldviews. But the mentally ill have already had their illusions stripped away. People loved Chamberlain's reassurances and disliked Churchill's pessimism initially, but they soon found that Churchill's clear sight was accurate. I see problems others don't because of my depression, and so I am able to improve this world at least a little bit by bringing them out and then fixing them. I have no insight on how to stay close to the Lord when those feelings are less prevalent in daily life. I can't say I've ever actually had that happen.
I don't know that I can honestly recommend my solution, since it feels like I'm getting torn apart every couple of weeks. But I have never been able to shake my belief. So, it's true. Then what else matters?
