women aren't broken (strong language)

[Portia]

This is definitely coming from a Den of Apostates perspective, so if that is not a place you want to go, consider this your fair warning.

I'm so damn angry and bitter at a lifetime of sex negativity and not-even-subtle misogyny and creepy af messages about "Jesus watches you at all times" and how that has filtered into an almost cellular level of my consciousness and made me feel horrible about myself, when I'm actually normal and healthy and could probably have a satisfying sexual/romantic life, but NO.

I'm angry at the purity culture bullshit that was shoved down my throat and not in a fun enthusiastic consent way. I'm always trying to be so sensitive to everyone and their neurotic desires to be celibate or deep six their sexuality, so it'd be nice if I got the impression that my choices were respected in my social and cultural community.

I'm disgusted that there are Men of Utah from my own home neighborhood that buy into pick-up artist tomfoolery and decide that since I'm returning a DVD to the library after dark, that obviously means I want to join a g.d. bachelor party and do shots while he disregards his wedding vows. Making ME a RANDOM WOMAN the police of your fidelity is the most Cottonwood Heights Preppie b.s. ever -- of course there are cheaters and cads everywhere -- but they don't call women dressed in blazers drinking water "women of the evening." I'm not a f***ing sex worker, you piece of shit excuse for a man. (Thanks to my ex for validating me on this point. You aren't perfect, but letting me cry it out was a solid. You, unlike him, will make some woman happy.) And a real sex worker would agree with me that you have no game and probably would feel uncomfortable with your raging sense of entitlement.

I'm enraged at the junior douchebro who told my beautiful, brilliant, amazing sister out of the blue that if she were on the island in The Lord of the Flies, she'd be raped. Thanks, pussy-grabber in chief, for normalizing harassment. F*** you forever. I'm glad her crush is a liberal non-religious kid from Colorado whose parents are probably TEACHING HIM YOUNG WOMEN ARE HUMAN

I'm disappointed that a family friend I admire and trusted observes the so-called Pence rule. He's a high level professional at my future university, and knowing that if I wanted to request a meeting with him that he'd possibly be thinking about me as both a sex object and a threat to his marriage. This man served as a bishop and seemed to be okay with interviewing preteens about their boners behind closed doors so OOOOOOKAAAAYYYY.

I can't even think about BYU and the Honor Code approach to rape cases. Glad things are changing. Still causes me shame that a Pharisaical interpretation of the Honor Code, which was meant in spirit to be about forming a joyful (inorite) community of support for coeducational learning which at the time was actually relatively progressive has become a bludgeon against Them vs Us. Sexual assault isn't about, most the time, mentally unhinged criminals taking our innocent virgins. It's about bad scripts. Obviously not all rape accusations are true: just saw TKaMB on the Hale Stage, people, this is a known problem, but guess what, doesn't seem to be the arch conservatives who would actually make that process fairer.

I'm sad that all of this seems to have not had one iota of dampening affect on my sex drive but has certainly filled me with instant shame and self-loathing. For everything. For being a woman, for not having a life partner, for having this sense that being considered attractive is just a way to garner negative attention (I was sobbing when I got my junior year yearbook and the committee was arch-ironic and had a woman known for mini skirts leave me the fabric of hers. I thought I was being slut shamed. My amazing Bahai friend gently explained it was ironic, and yet. I still felt somehow both frumpy and singled out for my clothing in a way that all the lessons on "modesty" tell you is the worst offense a woman can commit. That girl in the grade above me is probably an amazing lawyer or ibanker somewhere.).

The one tiny speck of hope in this morass is that I met a great guy who is all the things that broken, repressed men aren't: emotionally available, considerate, fun, completely lacking judgment about what I want or where I'm coming from, but investing in getting to know me better without manipulating me into thinking we need to nail down a commitment (a la Hans). And guess what, he's from that Den of the World of Iniquity, San Fran-effing-Cisco.

I just wish that I didn't feel like I have to rewire myself to get to a healthy, normal place and undo the negative conditioning. Because guess what dudes who think the "golden age" was better and that we're trying to crash your boat into Charybdis -- I am 100% supportive of my friends who choose to not have sex or to have sex only with their spouse. I'm skeptical but keep my lips shut when people take what should be fun and bonding experiences off the table because 1970s Patriarchy. But that choice DOES NOT WORK FOR ME.

I decided to pick up this book on Kindle (it actually was recommended by my married Mormon British friend on Goodreads COME AT ME) and it is making me feel a lot better about how I'm wired (and always have been) and about being able to get to know myself and others without this ridiculous amount of shame and self-hatred.

Thanks for the need for therapy. I'm not broken and never was. This state needs some decent sex ed. Thank you to my Mormon peeps who aren't part of this culture, but understand that for some of us, it is damaging not just sexually or romantically, but dare I say spiritually.

[Zedability]

"shoved down my throat and not in a fun enthusiastic consent way" brb dyinggggggggggggggggggggggg

[Portia]

"shoved down my throat and not in a fun enthusiastic consent way" brb dyinggggggggggggggggggggggg

:-D I feel a lot better today so getting that off my chest (consensually lololol) felt good.